Exclusive: Crisafulli's Election Ploy, Carbon Cult Politics, Telly Turkeys And umm ... Oh, Yeah, A Wedding. .

You know, there was a fabulous PR opportunity missed for the Royal Family to use last night's nuptials to re-cement themselves back into the wavering affections of Australians. The Magpie will briefly explain this oversight by the world's greatest family of grifters shortly.

But when a single event so dominates global media - as a fawning editorial in the Astonisher put it 'this young couple has to share it with the rest of the known world', not bothering to explain what part of this planet is 'unknown' - other stories of great moment get overlooked.

Ta da! Enter The Magpie, who this week will reveal that Superman - this is fair dinkum - is renouncing his American citizenship! Local television offers 'multiple choice - suit yourself' news and AN EXCLUSIVE - a sneak preview of Kid Crisafulli's first state election campaign poster. 

We also take a sobering look at Carbon Cult politics and what it really means, it's all here in The Nest.

An Astonisher Cartoon Raises Eyebrows About Timing And Taste - Big Business Corrupting Coppers With Cholesterol - And The Political Pitfalls Of Facebook.

All that, but also, out Jensen way, outraged and aggrieved burghers are furious, claiming the Astonisher has literally gone to the dogs.

Speaking of the other type of burghers - that is burgers - The Magpie looks at `cut price coppers' being 'corrupted' by meal deals.  

We get a horse-laugh from the  pollywaffle over polling, The `Pie has a wee word for Labor hopeful Mark Harrison about the dangers of Facebook and the guessing game has begun as to who will replace retiring Justice Kerry Cullinane in the Supreme Court in Townsville. 

Now, if nothing in that grab bag tickles your fancy, The `Pie suggets you retire to a darkened nook with a feather - it seems that mental stimulus is obviously not your go. But for you, the other reader, plough on here for this week's load of parliamentary-grade old cobblers.

In Mature Media FAB Stands For Fair And Balanced - for The Townsville Astonisher Editorials, FAB Is Just A Laundry Powder.

Also this week, a stark choice faces the Labor pre-selectors as they rummage around for an opponent for Kid Crisafulli - a final field of three contains just one candidate who might make a race of it. But as it is with the faction-riddled party, merit and poll appeal are no guarantee of selection.

Details on that later, but first ....  

If The Daily Astonisher is to be believed (nothing like a laugh to start a column) one would have reason to wonder why we bother living here.

Newcomers to town who pick up The Astonisher (tens of thousands don't) could be excused for believing they have lobbed into a community teeming with paedophiles, violent drunks, deadly marine life, a hopeless council, rampaging teenage gangs, spitters, a hopeless council, arsonists, potential cabbie killers, noble Labor politicians, a hopeless council, bungling businessmen, and garden gnome thieves. And illiterate letter writers. Positive news is tucked away and it's a knee-wade through a sea of sensationalised dross to find it.

So just when the shrinking readership was resigned to the fact that it couldn't get much worse, there suddenly appeared last Tuesday's editorial.

The hypocrisy was breathtaking, the gall undeniable. To laugh or cry, read more.

Labor's 'Self Evacuation' In Mundingburra, And For A Glimpse Of The Townsville Daily Astonisher's Unhappy Future, Look To - Of All Places - Hobart.

Here's a stop press newsflash doo-dah thingamabob: Labor looks to have given up on retaining Mundingburra next election, and have - in the politest of euphemisms - self-evacuated at their own latest polling figures. Giving credence to this theory whispered down the MagpieFone, The 'Pie is informed that one Kiel Shuttleworth, a 20-something former gofer in Lindy's Nelson-Carr's office, is set to get the nod to be creamed by Crisafulli at the polls. While this was predicted by The Magpie about a year ago, intrigue surrounds the supposed anointing of Candidate Shuttleworth. One source said he didn't even stick his hand up.

Indeed, it would be a ponderable choice, seen even by some in his own party more as expendable cannon fodder than new blood, and there just to make up the numbers on the day. Two others are said to be in the mix for the honour of coming out of Goliath's corner against David. But if it turns out that young Kiel gets the nod, The Magpie will give you more on this former JCU student union prattler in the near future. 

Cowardy Custard's Last Stand, And Lindy Finally Agrees That The Magpie Has Been Right All Along

Ho ho wot fun!!

Cuddlepie Wallace, the local political cowardy custard, is making what looks like being his last stand against the circling LNP indians.

But so far, our man has shown no signs of panic, calmly raising his electoral blunderbuss, taking careful aim ... and blowing off not one but both his own feet.

This enthralling display of marksmanship has at least had the beneficial effect of stopping those LNP indians in their tracks, as they scratch their headfeathers in wonder and wait for the next move from Two-Dog ... err, General Custard.

The first shot came earlier in the week, when our Minister for Mean Roads, who one would think had loftier things to do like think up more plausible excuses for not fixing the Bruce Highway, suddenly developed a keen interest in the arts - and even more mysteriously, in local council affairs.