He said it, then he didn't say it - serial stirrer Larry Pickering makes a claim that that when he was Premier, government wasn’t the only thing Peter Beattie was in – Larry posted that Beattie was doing a bit of a Bob Hawke - but the post has now disappeared.

 But the salacious post had suddenly disappeared. The Magpie peers into this particular campaign can of worms.

… and here in the ‘Ville, is it Mayor Mullet for the Senate? Has our gal  started the long game to get on the Labor ticket in three years, using ratepayers money along the way? …

…. and CCTV security cameras, are they worth the time and effort? Well, they are machines and need human attention, otherwise no.The Pie EXCLUSIVELY REVEALS (cop that, Astonisher) an intriguing exchange of emails between an aggrieved ratepayer and ‘an amused’ Mayor Mullet. It is a great read, hilarious if it wasn’t true … and you thought Catch-22 was just a theory.

All that and quotes of the week in this edition of the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Beattie a bedroom bandicoot? With two mistresses?

Cor, nothing like a bit of dirt and vitriol to liven up a dreary election campaign – the latest claim from the Larry Pickering mix’n’match rumour factory would have us believe that Premier Dentures was a bit of a bedroom bandicoot. Pickering claims that during his years of steering MV Queensland onto the rocks, his was getting his own off with the occasional extracurricular activity.

Larry's poisoned pen now used for text as well as cartoons.

AND Larry tells us in one instance, to quote James Thurber ‘ the union was blessed with issue’. Crumbs, that thought will keep you awake at night! At least in the unlikely event that such a 'love child' exists, the mother could not have been Anna Bligh – any off-spring of that coupling would be easily identified by its 115 teeth, perpetually bared in a insincere grin.

Given Larry Pickering's vitriolic and unrelenting hatred of all things Labor, the timing of these very detailed allegations makes one raise an eyebrow, but if it is a campaign hoax, someone had a lot of time on their hands. It is easily the most detailed one, naming names and provided links to a series of excerpts from purported diaries kept by one of the women.  Both women were said to be journalists, which raises questions of taste and preference on both sides, heh, heh, heh.  

The Pie’s view, borrowed from John Cleese/Basil Fawlty, is that he ‘wouldn’t trust Beattie or Rudd as far as he could throw a wet mattress up a spiral staircase’ but that is only from the political point of view. He is not privy to their private predilections, which after all, is nobody's business but their own. It would all seem a down'n'dirty - and for that matter, wholly unnecessary - ploy in one of the weirdest federal campaigns we've ever seen. 

But there's no denying Pickerings penmanship when he sums up current political matters.

He has Beattie ... ummm ... going down in a different way in one of his latest offerings.

Given the PM's love of the limelight, suppose this is a sort of Kevin Karcrashidan?

Essendon's James Hird reckons he's got of lightly compared to some others.

Best clarification of the week comes from a letter in the London Telegraph, explaining in simple terms the situation in Syria.

That's what they mean when they say the enemy of my enemy is my friend -
if you can figure out who's who in this vicious zoo.

Bentley has a simple take on this dreary election campaign and unenlightening debates.

Quote of the Week;

‘He isn’t to be trusted, he just plucks an idea from here, pulls another policy out of the sky, and then suddenly another one pops up out of nowhere, all untested, all unworkable.’

'Pot' Kevin Rudd’s thighslapper about 'Kettle' Tony Abbott, on the very day PM KRudd  unexpectedly announced a policy to move the Navy out of Sydney Harbour to Queensland, a couple of weeks after revealing his ill-fated ‘special tax zone’ for northern Australia and a month or more after doing a shonky deal with PNG over boat people.

The issue of northern Australian development also featured here in the ‘Ville in the past week, but in a vastly different context. The Magpie’s over-active nose suddenly picked up a distinct odour of rodent, in more ways than one.

Cairns Mayor Bob Manning has a cunning plan.

The Mayor of Cairns, Bob Manning, has come up with a cunning plan to set up a ‘Northern Australia Mayors Alliance', to lobby Canberra with a stream of wish lists for the region. The mayors of Mackay, Townsville, Cairns, Darwin and … for God’s sake … Roebourne in WA would have whine-fest every so often then take the results down to the Canberra shiny bums to contemplate while they sip their morning-break slow-fermented, hand-reared pear cider with chia sprinkles.

Not surprisingly this loopy idea was immediately and enthusiastically embraced by our own Mayor Mullet, who suggested it would further advance our claims for a super stadium. And the mayors’ claims to many a free junket.

Loopy maybe, but not everything loopy is rejected – otherwise Bob Katter would’ve been booted out  years ago. But when loopy means ratepayers footing the bill, loopy takes on a more sinister aspect.

Here’s how Simpo Templton reported it in Wednesday;s Astonisher.

TOWNSVILLE City Council will partner with four local governments across northern Australia to push major projects for the region, including the superstadium and convention centre in the CBD.

The council will partner with Cairns, Mackay, Darwin and Roebourne - in Western Australia - to produce a strategic plan detailing the most important projects for each city and then deliver the document to Canberra bureaucrats in charge of managing the policy to develop northern Australia.

The group will be known as the Northern Australia Mayors Alliance and will hire independent consultants to produce detailed economic analysis on the projects before they are sent to the Federal Government for funding approval.

Roebourne? Population 857 (last census 2006). Powerhouse stuff, this. But then again, maybe a trip to Roebourne would be instructive – the town’s tourist centre could prompt a few architectural ideas for our super stadium ambitions on the east coast.

This is the Roebourne Tourist Centre - yes, truly, it is.

But The Magpie would like to be perched in the rafters at the first meeting, to observe the love-in between the mayors of Mackay, Townsville and Cairns, communities which have seldom had any cooperative interests in common and aren’t about to, whose aspirations have always meant bitterly opposing each other for slices of the public funding pie. The Magpie understands there will be seed money of around $40000 from each council to get this square ball rolling.

Not much, but that’s the thin edge of the wedge – ‘independent consultants to produce a detailed strategic plan’ means megabucks. A lazy quarter of a mill wouldn’t even get you the morning tea list for gouging consultants from the south.

But other idle speculations have put The Pie into deep contemplation.

At last count we have the Dudley Do Nothings at Townsville Enterprise sucking an undeserved $700K annually out of the ratepayers, isn’t this sort of malarkey exactly what they’re meant to be doing anyway? Their last call was an impudent request for $25000 from the council for a preliminary study of a possible report on a suggested plan on the feasibility of an economic report on the super stadium. (That was in Mayor Mullet's budget - she's deputy chair of TEL -  an item that the council correctly knocked back tout suite.)

Notwithstanding TEL, we also have the council, an active Chamber of Commerce, a federal MP and a senior, highly respected senator, and that’s just Townsville. But now, the ratepayers will have to dig into the piggy bank again, being told to overlay all these other public bodies and representatives with this 'mayoral alliance' white elephant. 

As the tedious young used to say ‘get real’.

But one suspects Mayor Mullet sees a long game in this. She probably believes this will give her ‘cred’ down south, a walk-on part on the national stage (fat chance, darlin'),  ingratiate her with her Labor betters, and provide her with the launching pad for a shot at the Senate in a few years time. Nice to be subsidized by the ratepayers to further personal political ambitions – if you can get away with it.

Seeking the senate? Who knows?

Perhaps madam would be better paying closer attention to things closer to home. Like these things.

The following exchange is lengthy, but makes for compelling reading – Mr Jones has a nice humorous touch, but he soon realizes the outcome of his request for council assistance in a vandalism matter is  hardly funny – or ‘amusing’ to quote Mayor Mullet. This Pilgrim’s Progress through the jungle and quicksand of various bureaucracies is a tribute to Mr Jones dogged persistence in his fruitless quest for justice.

From: Paul Jones


Sent: Wednesday, 24 April 2013 2:20 PM


To: Mayor of Townsville


Subject: Townsville Vandalism

Hello, My name is Paul Jones, I am a Townsville resident and a happy one at that.  However, I feel that I have a duty of care and obligation to bring to light an recent issue which I am sure would test the best person.

Following 7 cars being broken into and vandalised at the national park boat ramp near railway estate I was stopped by a policeman, hiding in a bush around the corner of the entrance to breathalyse me.  Not an issue, as I never drink and drive, but maybe his time would be better served chasing the people who only hours earlier had ruined the weekend of 7 families.

Now to this weekend just gone.  I thought I would go fishing with my brother in law on Friday night and to be safe, park the car and boat at the Coastguard ramp.  On arrival at approx 5pm, most of the parks were occupied by single cars, not one with a ticket.  We did however find a spot in the bottom car park, to the left hand side facing Jupiter’s Casino.  We had a great trip and were rewarded with a few Cod and Grunter.

When we arrived back at the ramp I approached the car only to find that my brand new light bar and roof rack had been ripped off and stolen.  I travelled to a police station on Charters Towers road but it was closed.  I then phoned police Link who recorded the offence for me and a forensic police man turned up who was excellent, courteous and informative.  He found two full palm prints and took them away for examination. 

On Monday, I travelled to the Coastguard ramp to see if there were any surveillance cameras and this is where it gets very exciting!!! 

I entered the coastguard and spoke to the officials who informed me that quite a few people had been there because they had vehicles and trailers vandalised, lights and other equipment stolen.  The officials pointed out the four big white surveillance cameras but apologised as they have no access to them.  They also stated that the police had been in to enquire about the cameras but they too, could not get access, perhaps there was a six inch deep creek in front of them?.

I then travelled to the Fisheries and Marine services department across the river, where I investigated and was told that they were not their responsibility and had no idea, but pointed me to the Port, as they own the car parks and the Coastguard offices, goodness me, it would be easier to smash a camera and wait for the owner to turn up!.

I then travelled to the Port and could not get access.  I followed up with a phone call and the office new nothing of the cameras and said I should talk to the duty officer.  I did, he of course knew nada and he pointed me in the direction of “the tower”, guess what, they didn’t know either.

Suffering from a bit of a headache I then phoned the council and spoke to “Sue”.  Sue informs me that she thinks the council own these cameras but I would need to lodge a “request for information form” to the council at a cost of $40.50 which would probably take a week or so for an officer to look at.  I told Sue that I was not overly happy with that option and could I speak to a supervisor, Phew!

I was then put through to Linda Horton, the Council Insurance Claims Officer, a lovely lady who genuinely tried to help.  She agreed with the info from ‘Sue’ about the cost of the form but then thought that she should speak to Paul Blackman in the Council Security department to double check who’s responsibility the cameras fell under.  After a bit of a wait on hold, Linda came back to tell me that the security department had informed her that the cameras are not the councils responsibility and I should speak to Jupiter’s Casino – Arghhhh..............

By this time I was in a kind of quiet place with a calm fuzzy feeling.  I got to speak to Haden, who promptly put me onto the Security manager Rick Bradley.  Rick informed me that, yep, blah blah blah blah and speak to the Police. I couldn’t draw a full circle any better with a compass!

You know that deflated feeling you get when your favourite team is annihilated at home on your birthday by Manly, yeah I’m a beaten man.  I went home sat in my garage looking at me bare naked car and toasted it with a belly full of happy ale.

Give up, its all too hard, lucky I love Townsville eah?

Regards,

Paul Jones
Service Supervisor

From: Mayor of Townsville


Sent: Friday, 10 May 2013 8:27 AM


To: Paul Jones


Subject: RE: Townsville Vandalism

Hello Paul

Thank you for your email, which, while very amusing to read,  it concerns me a great deal.

I have spoken to Paul Blackman and have requested that he visit the Coast Guard to investigate

this issue.

Paul is familiar with the installation and operation of these cameras and has advised that there should

be a digital video recorder on the premises, which would be connected to the cameras.

I will contact you again once Paul has been to the Coast Guard.

Regards

Cr Jenny Hill 
Mayor of Townsville

From: Paul Jones


Sent: Friday, 10 May 2013 4:31 PM


To: mayor@townsville.qld.gov.au
S

ubject: Fw: Townsville Vandalism

Hi Jenny,

    Not the best news unfortunately.  I had a call from Paul Blackman of Townsville council who has been to the Coast guard building.  He informed me that he had got access to the security system but it only has a small 16 gig memory running all four cameras.  He thinks it would only have a recording loop time of approximately 2 weeks.  Considering this happened on the 19th April it’s a long shot that it still has the record of that night.

Mr Blackman explained that the camera's were privately operated and maintained as the Coast Guard building was not Council owned or on council land and therefore does not fall under the councils responsibility. He also stated that the security camera company who maintain the cameras were given a contract back in 2008 and the contract is still active.

I must say that I am very confused and frustrated at this response.  The Coast Guard building is rented from Townsville Port and sits on Townsville Ports land (going by all the Townsville Port signs around). 

Please can you answer the following:

1. Is the Coast Guard privately owned by the Coast Guard and if not, by whom?

2. Does the Coast Guard building sit on Townsville Port land and if not, who's land is it?

3. If the cameras on the Coast Guard building are owned and maintained by a private company, what obligations do they have to the land/building owner and are there records of compliance?

4. How much does it cost to pay a private company for four cameras on the Coast Guard building?

5. If the Council issued a contract to a private company 5 years ago, is there an annual contract renewal date and is this put out to tender?

6. If the council has indeed issued a contract to a private company for four cameras on the coast guard building 5 years ago, how come no one that can be reached has any knowledge of it?

7. Is Townsville Council responsible for the Port of Townsville actions or is it a private entity who do not need to answer to the council?

I took the call from Mr Blackman whilst driving and he also asked me to give him a call back to give him the date of the incident.  It took me approx. 8 minutes to find the date and I returned the call at 3.45pm.  The receptionist for Mr Blackman informed me that Mr Blackman had left for the day.  She could not give me his mobile number, as I am not a council contracted company or staff member.

I've decided that I am not just going to sit back and let the damage to my car and theft of my roof rack and brand new light bar (which I had for my birthday and have worked and saved very hard for) go unchecked.  If Townsville cant help their tax paying, working and contributing community, then I guess people will take matters into their own hands, especially when there is little to no chance these people will get caught through following the proper channels.

Its no wonder why crime is so high in Townsville if this is the response even after the long road I have been down.

Paul Jones 

From: Paul Jones


Sent: Monday, 3 June 2013 1:43 PM


To: 'mayor@townsville.qld.gov.au'



Subject: FW: Townsville Vandalism

Hi Jenny,

            Please could you let me know if you are intending to respond to my enquiries, as it has been a fair while since you last contacted me.  At that stage, you where waiting for Mr Blackman to inform you of the issue.

I’m afraid I went on a bit in the last email (dated 10^th May 2013), but its because I felt that Mr Blackman was very reluctant to give out any details of the security contractor or how it works between the council and contractor, perked my curiosity and hence the questioned asked. I only want to know if I could get to see the footage of who damaged my car and stole the roof rack and light bar.

If you would respond to this email and also let me know if the footage of the event has been retrieved for inspection by the police I would be very grateful.

Regards,

Paul Jones


And that, kiddies is where the matter rests. So turn the light out, and go to sleep, in the full knowledge that our council, police, casino and port authority are looking over you, and will catch the bogey men who bother you.

Or, as they say in the Army, what a clusterfu$k.

Finally, an astounding moment of self awareness seemed to have arrived at the Townsville Bulletin, when The 'Pie spied this headline ...

... but what seemed a moment of great insight alas, just turned out to be a story about a crocodile named Bully.

(Although with that baleful attitude and ability to slash and chop people, Bully could be a candidate for a post at News Ltd ... maybe Managing Editor at the Astonisher).    

That’s reason enough to head for Poseurs Bar, where the old bird will seek his own alliance, but remembering to be very PC about ... he's not seeking to bebubble a comely companion who is 'been around' and is said to be 'easy'. No, he will be seeking a 'previously enjoyed companion' who is 'horizontally accessible'. But knowing his luck, he will end up with a 'light haired detour off the information superhighway'. Yup, you got it - a dumb blonde.