A clown AND a clairvoyant - Peter Beattie's spooky 2009 prediction - has an Oak Valley, Townsville resident made the best unwitting political statement of the campaign? … and it’s been just one of those weeks for an error-prone Astonisher.

Also, Townsville Hospital to start charging for parking – a callous cash grab or prudent management? (Yes, well, this is meant to be a humorous blog.)

... and Peter Beattie counts on electoral amnesia, to let him eventually have a shot at The Lodge … (Bentley has his say on that one).

All here in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Has one of the most prescient comments on our colorful political times come from a proud property owner at … would you believe? - Oak Valley just SW of Townsville.

While nurdling about out there recently, The ‘Pie was quite taken with this blunt 'up-you-world' statement at the gates of a palm-fringed drive. It personified the old bird’s feeling about the current campaign hoopla. Two garden gnomes say it all about our political gnomes.

... and a-holes all round.

Bums ......

Now to the verbal Quotes of the Week, and the best never actually happened, but is too good to pass up.

Peter Dowling - looking for bigger and better things to slip into?

‘COQ AU VIN’.

SMH columnist Mike Carlton's imagined headline for the bizarre story of the Queensland LNP MP Peter Dowling and his penchant for sexting pix of his penis in a glass of red wine to (a now estranged) mistress. Hell hath no fury etc.

Yeah, right.

'As you know, I've been humble all my life,''

Former Qld premier Peter Beattie, playing for laughs on the announcement of his candidature for the federal election, no doubt prompted by this front page...

Bentley has the same idea.

Kevvy already having second thoughts:
'Wonder if Anna is available'.

'I'll squeeze 'em harder, Peter, if you don't knock off KRudd as leader!'

I think that's a little bit too old to make a political comeback and there would be a funeral if that happened. It would be mine. I think my wife would murder me. I have no interest in going back into politics.

And yeah, yet again ... but let's face it, he is the story of the week ... Peter Beattie, two years ago, confirming that his wife was at the head of a very long queue here in Queensland. We can only hope that unlike her husband, she is a woman of her word.

In the past, Peter and I have had the odd stoush or two. That’s OK, that’s life in the Labor Party.’

PM KRudd with the understatement of the year, and unwittingly summing up the redundancy of the ALP’s theme tune Solidarity Forever.

This one is probably the most prophetic, given it was created in 2009.

Joolya wasn't availe to pose for the cover,
but lent the cutlery

Yes, it’s that Peter Beattie. 

And The Magpie cannot resist just one more on this subject, since the election seems to have come down to 'vote for Rudd, or vote for Rupert'. Social media went to town after the now infamous Sydney Telegraph 'Kick This Mob Out' headline. Two of the best were these mock-ups.

Eddie Obeid

''Eddie will use all his influence and money not to be charged [in Australia]. After all, money can make people bend on their knees.''

Evon Obeid, a cousin of Eddie Obeid, who lives in the Lebanese village of Matrite, where Eddie is regarded like The Godfather ... same name, same morals, too.

And that’s leads us neatly into the trials and tribulations of the Astonisher’s sports section this week.

It is well known and quite sensible that in the name of self-interest (sales) the Townsville Bulletin offers blanket coverage to the Cowboys, almost to the point of overkill. The paper knows full well that the ‘Boys sell papers, and that rare occurrence this year – a win, and at home – would have the bean-counters wetting themselves in warm delight. But last Saturday, the Iditor and his moneymen had more than a little of what those coy TV ads call ‘SBL’ – Slight Bladder Leakage, and it wasn't in delight.

Each weekend, the Astonisher puts together a handy little lift-out guide on behalf of the Cowboys (and no doubt charge a pretty penny for doing so) which among other trivia and (one supposes) interesting sidelight yarns, devotes a whole page each to the teams playing that weekend – line-up, jersey numbers etc -  … in this case, it was South Sydney at Tooth Fairy Stadium. Popular little publication, which no doubt feeds on to Monday sales, especially in the event of a local win. So league fans must’ve been somewhat discombobulated when they turned to the South’s team page to find this ….

That’s the Broncos’ team from the previous week. Much muttering down the MagpieFone ensued, but the mutters turned to maniacal screams on Monday. The paper traditionally prints a half page of statistics for the weekend round, but last Monday, it seems Dr Who was doing the layout ….

… err, that, inexplicably, is the stat page for Round 4 – last year.

But look at the ladder and sigh wistfully.

 Another entry in the In-Credibility Cup.

Mind you, The Astonisher has competition for top points in this category. The challenge comes from our old pals at WIN TV News, whose comic genius extends beyond regular captioning cock-ups to the weather. For instance, it was not only a warm day in Halifax recently …

… but the whole town had magically migrated south to be somewhere around Douglas. And why wouldn’t you move a place that experiences a top temp of 118 degrees?

Also note, Townsville had taken a short swim across to Cape Cleveland and lucky old Ingham suddenly had ocean views for the first time since Yasi brought the ocean to them. Ah, the magic of television.

Other not-so-funny matters.

The Townsville Hospital is to introduce paid parking from October. Patients and visitors will be ‘slugged’ – to borrow from The Astonisher’s file of Favourite Loaded Words – a $5 flat fee.

This cannot be wholly justified, and is in part a callous, cynical and unnecessary cash-grab from mostly those who cannot afford it. But for some cynics, who know the price of everything and the value of nothing – e.g our hospital board and Hospital CEO, none of whom are familiar with financial hardship – the temptation to rifle the wallets of those you have by the nuts and over a barrel is too great to resist.

The spin is a bit breathtaking.

Townsville Hospital CEO Julia Squire.

Hospital CEO Julia Squire, a UK blow-in with an appalling fiscal history back in her home country tried to dress up the much-delayed announcement with just plain silly justifications. The worst argument of all being the ‘they’re all doing it‘ statement from Squire that ‘The Board has decided to implement paid parking in line with most other hospitals’. 

This is the nutty but popular thinking not exclusive to Ms Squire, Board chairman John Berne and board members. There are several reasons this is no reason at all to make the ill pay for accessing the services of the hospital. And is there any reason why we up here should not be a bit 'luckier' to have free hospital parking anyway.

For a start, ‘other hospitals’ are serviced by a decent public transport system, not the lame, busted-arse system in this town. And ‘most other hospitals’ aren’t out in the boondocks, a $50 one-way cab ride away for probably 75% of the population.

There was also the laughable faux-generous ruling that ‘the first 15 minutes will be free’. Sounds generous until you ever try doing anything at the hospital in 15 minute; in some cases recently observed, even reaching the front door. So there’s no benefit to anyone there, especially when in the same breath talking about expanded pick-up and put-down areas to handle quick in and out access.

Here’s a suggestion for the Townsville Hospital Board, remembering that this and other hospital boards were reintroduced  – so we were told - to reflect the community’s wishes in how the local hospital is run. (Funny, The ‘Pie must’ve missed those mass rallies with placards demanding that paid car parking be introduced.) 

What is wrong with ‘validated car parking’ for patients, especially those on various pensions, where $5 is an amount to be considered, particularly if two or more visits to the hospital are necessary each week. The system is simple enough; get your treatment and be given a stamped parking pass, with relevant info on it, time, department and name. This could also be useful in tracking the flow of patients through various departments. 

Ms Squire hinted in an interview with ABC Radio that this hadn’t been considered because it was ‘too complicated’. Ms Squire, if such a simple and widely used system – is it overstating it in this case to describe it as humane and fair – is ‘too complicated’ to implement, what ability can we expect from you on much larger and genuinely complex issues? Your legacy from your last gig in England – where you were forced to resign as CEO the Mid-Yorkshire Hospitals NHS Trust, unable to answer criticism of your financial management and 20 million pound deficit – does not inspire confidence in any of your decisions for this community. Here’s a chance to turn over a new leaf in your new country.

Other matters.

Notice John Andersen in the Astonisher reported a Townsville woman startled by a helicopter drone outside her balcony taking pics  of her unit block. Bit light on details, and the lady conveniently didn't want to be named.  but then Ando tells us it that ‘It turns out that real estate companies are using drones to take photos of sale properties.’

Errr, how do you know that, old mate? Which real estate company (or did they want to remain anonymous – that’d be a first for a donga dealer? And how did your anonymous informant know it was a real estate drone?  But far more importantly, has your Chief of Stuff been asleep at the wheel. The Magpie expects – indeed, demands – a shock/horror invasion-of-privacy-what’s-the-council-doing-about-it screamer. Send Simpo – it’s rather fitting that a drone covers a drone.

But bugger the privacy issue, The ‘Pie is all for the South African’s innovative and highly commendable use of helicopter drones. The organiser of a music festival has created a phone app which will allow patrons in the vast outdoor arena to order beers by mobile phone, which will be dropped by parachute to the buyer, whose location is pinpointed by a chip in the mobile. Although The Magpie has his eye cocked at this one, too, decide for yourself … the vid at the bottom of the story shows a test run.

And finally, if the thought of a beer has made you hungry, fancy a hot dog? If so, DON’T watch this warts and all (maybe that's an ingredient) report  about how America’s favourite sports snack is actually made. You'll never eat one again. 

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs' Bar, where he will discuss that naughty Astonisher and it's wrong insertion ... a mistake he promises which he promises he will never make ... well, not deliberately, anyway, heh heh heh.