This week, the latest installment of the continuing gory story you’ll never see in the Townsville Bulletin; yup, the latest circulation and readership figures show the paper will soon be on life support …. but it just gets worse for the readers, as the now-daily run of cock-ups and unethical ‘reporting’ continues apace.

Also, a low blow - Mayor Mullet’s makes a subversive attack on The Magpie's credibility ….

... an hilarious real-life defamation case that depends entirely on fiction to prove the offence … it’s a corker for the legally minded …

…. And Tony Abbott’s verbal disappearance up his own fundament has captured Bentley’s wicked eye; all that and some other amusing odds and … errr … sods, all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

First a question; what’s the difference between Cinderella  and an Australian batsman? Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

And that will be the last word on THAT subject.

The last word Tony Abbott’s minders wanted to hear features in the Quote of the Week.

At least he doesn't eat his earwax.

‘No one is the suppository of wisdom.’

Well, certainly not you, chum. A self-evident comment from Mr Abbott, proving the closest he will come to it is being a dumb arse when speaking off the cuff. 

Bentley is of a similar opinion.

And a digression on the same topic: a pissed off Pom had a helpful turn of mind – and phrase – when dealing with a bureaucratic shiny bum.

But it alleviated a week of ducking and weaving (read 'lying' rom all and sundry, and prompted some much needed social media photoshopping. these are the ones the SMH found.

The front page of the week – well, it was spotted this week, anyway – goes all the way to bonny Scotland.

Give thanks that The Astonisher likes three word heads.

But then the Scots have that way about them, especially when dealing with authority. The honesty of this speaks for all who have come up againmst petty authority.

This last one wins the Last Straw Award.

And truth in advertising held no terrors for this whisky fancier. 

And never, never, never ever let certain Scots work out their notice.

Back to the local scene and some stuff which is not so funny, but you can bet prompted multiple of those F bombs down at the Astonisher.

The 'Pie speaks of the latest episode in a serial shock/horror story of a slow, agonizing death, but you won’t be seeing it anytime soon in the Daily Astonisher.

The latest circulation and readership figures are in for the Townsville Bulletin, and it’s a gory story indeed.

The bottom two entries are the salient ones.

The Saturday Bulletin is in freefall,  pissing off another 3,364 former readers, dropping an eye-watering 8.9% and plummeting  down to 34,898 papers. Three short years ago, Saturday’s were at a healthy-ish 42,000.The Monday to Friday circulation continues to suffer cardiac arrest, shedding 2,045 editions to drop 8.3% to an embarrassingly woeful daily average of 22,55. The population of the circulation region is close to 250,000.

As dramatic as these figures may be – prompting idle thoughts of just when are advertisers going to revolt and move more and more to television if the rate card isn’t suitably adjusted to the new figures – there is some cold comfort in there for this headless chook of an outfit:  believe it or not, the Townsville Bulletin is among the only six out of sixteen Australian regionals to record single digit losses.

As you will see here, Typo scuttled off from the Gold Coast Bulletin before the extent of his  bumbling and blustering stewardship was revealed, with the Coast's flagship Saturday rag’s circulation down a whopping 16.6%, while weekdays 14.7%..

Readership figures remain an arcane art - supposedly divining just  how many people are estimated to read each single paper - tend to confirm the circs. The Sat Bulletin is knocking on the door of a 20% drop in just the last year. The details are here .

But The Astonisher doesn’t appear to give a hoot, letting spin rule the news columns.

'Just say the word, Jen, luvvy, and I'll write it.'

Today, ’revealer’ Anthony Simpleton (who insists on calling himself Templeton for some reason) donned calf-high white booties, a powder blue lycra cheer leaders mini skirt and waved his verbal pom-poms to put blatant comment into a news story about Townsville’s  proposed super stadium.

Despite this being a project nowhere near the design stage, Simpo used some sophisticated visualisations like this …

If only ....

…. to trot out statistics and quotes in a story that’s mostly recycled predictable guff and appears to have no point   …. until this:

'Townsville now needs to unite and pressure both sides of politics to ensure the superstadium gets built and provides an economic stimulus for the city during what are expected to be a lacklustre few years for North Research conducted in the planning phase of the project found 76.5 per cent of Townsvillians wanted a new stadium and convention centre in the CBD.Queensland'.

WTF, as we apparently say nowadays.  That's Simpo talking. 

This in the middle of a supposedly objective news story?!?  Fine sentiment if you agree with it (The Magpie in fact thinks it’s a great idea if the finances stack up), but this is a subject that will need balanced debate for some time to come. There are plenty who see big downsides.

Objective news reporting it is not; the Astonisher and spinners like Simpo and the Iditor firmly believes that News Corp knows best and you should heed their instructions on what is good for you, dear reader. Oh, yes, you can have your say in Text The Iditor - it is a wonderful forum for sober, educated and intelligent debate. 

And then, as a kicker of confirmation for the spin, this;

'Research conducted in the planning phase of the project found 76.5 per cent of Townsvillians wanted a new stadium and convention centre in the CBD'.

This has been trotted out before, but no hint of who did the survey, who paid for it, how and where the sample was taken and how big it was. The odour of rodent is hanging heavily in the air, because it is well known that some local survey mobs are so tied up in the ageing ‘old boys business club’ that they get their riding orders – the desired outcome – before they lift a phone or pick up a clip board. The questions are worded to get the desired result. There are a couple of reputable firms around town, but the Dodgy Brothers are alive and well in this industry, so it would proper for us to know who did what for whom.

But it’s not all heady stuff from rotating reporters that makes one suspicious of everything in the paper, the average person can’t rely on even what they see as a simple service statement. They even supply photographic evidence of their incompetence.Things like this, funny if it wasn't so regular.

Sorry about the resolution, suffice to say same add for a lost dog, but the repeat ad features a 'much loved' jalopy.

Even when the paper tries to look diverse and encompassing, it manages to cock it up and no doubt lose more frustrated readers.So, more galling for some people was this. Friday’s Astonisher carried this free plug in the regular feature, 10 thing to do this weekend. (‘Read the Weekend Bulletin ...  please’, may shortly be one of them.)

‘Stand Up With Pride Marriage Equality Rally SUN, 1pm, 1.30 start, central Park Townsville.’

See, no prejudice at The Astonisher, fair go for everybody. No, just careless stuff like putting in ‘SUN’ instead of the supplied ‘SAT’. The event is now in disarray, with an expected small march on Sat and no one knows who will now turn up on Sunday. But all will know how the stuff-up happened. 

Although it is trumpeted as the future of the industry - and the local product - the electronic version of the paper is, quite simply, a mess; understaffed and generally not rated worth beefing up.  It lists Skene as a columnist (she left more than a year ago) and Amanda Gray is still in there,too, although she has been mercifully choofed off for weeks now.  Even the Iditor’s editorials get the slipshod treatment  ….

…. and serves him bloody right. But not the RAAF firefighters. 

Somebody at the paper really needs a suppository ... in the form of a good old fashioned rocket. Fat chance. 

Moving on.

The Magpie greatly misses the rounds of the court here in the ‘Ville, in great part because the humour that was always to be found there was heightened by the general air of pomposity of some of the po-faced practitioners. When the untoward happened, it generated the same sort of glee enjoyed long ago by little children knocking off top hats with snowballs.

So it was with great delight that this week The Magpie received a missive, which at first mystified him and then, when he twigged, had him stitches. But it is a very real case, although it mixes fact with fiction.

To distill down a very long document, here’s what’s going on.

There was some bad blood between a couple of solicitors down in Brissy when the waters became muddied in a family court custody matter. Insults flew as they so often do, made all the more pointed because one of legal bods was the father-in-law of the estranged woman in the matter.

But in a rare move, the aggrieved lawyer was apparently so erratic,  (The ‘Pie is informed one never uses the word incompetent in such a situation) he was ‘restrained’ from acting the case by the court. In other words, the judge kicked him out.

Now, he is suing the other lawyer for defamation – because among other things, he was referred to in an email as ‘Dennis Denuto’.

Dud defender Dennis Denuto (Tiriel Mora)

Remember him?

He was the bumbling, incompetent,  solicitor in the film ‘The Castle’, brilliantly played by Tiriel Mora . In the movie, DeNuto freewheeled through the law and the courts, referring judges to ‘the vibe’ of the matter, listing 'small stuff' among the services he was happy to render clients, and claiming  as proof of his success, he could ‘afford a European sports car’ and so on.

Our real-life plaintiff reckons by just calling him by that name that he has been defamed. Where it gets funny is when the court document ‘Statement of Defence’ detail the failings of Dennis Denuto, and quotes the fictional Mr Denuto’s claims to competence in all its comic detail. But in the nature of such genuine documents, it is all played with a straight face and a straight bat - to the uninitiated and knowledgeable alike it will be a bit bewildering at first.

This is one of the funniest legal matters The ‘Pie has ever come across (Conan, you’ll just love this). You can read the full Defence Statement  here, for those with a legal bent of mind, it is worth it.

Other matters:

Now look here, Mayor Mullet, just what do you think you’re playing at? 

The Magpie has been nothing if not a generous biographer to you, letting readers into the little known corners of your public life, detailing your exploits that you yourself have been too modest to discuss – how’s the Brisbane-bought council car going, dear?  – and ensuring your name is ever before your adoring public

And after all that thankless effort, painting an accurate picture of you for posterity, does The ‘Pie get an ounce of gratitude? No, not a skerrick.

Jenny shows off her new 'Councillor Calmer'.

Yesterday morning, you go ABC Radio talking to Paula Tapiolas about this week’s meeting of Queensland mayors at the Townsville Convention Center, and to not put too fine a point on it, had you been into the breakfast boubon, m’dear, you didn’t sound at all yourself at all? You were reasonable, argued your point very well, not a hint of whining, you sounded almost –well, statesman-like is probably overdoing it, but you actually sounded like a leader, well versed and well armed with facts – and all in all, being the sweet voice of reason.

Even when The Mauler, herself sounding a bit taken aback, swapped over to the issue of park vagrants, your firm but non-belligerent points had been thought through, making your point of state and federal responsibility on this issue all the more compelling.

Which raises The Magpie’s question – what the bloody hell are you up to? God, woman keep this up and The Magpie will be out of business  - a Magpie’s Nest with Mayor Mullet won’t be worth a cracker. So have a bloody heart, get back to moaning, you’ve been having too many of these lucid, mature type of moments lately.

It must be driving your deputy Vern Veitch mad, you heartless harpy. Just stop it. Now.

Why is this man called Cliff Richard?

Some one else we’d all like to see stop it is the self-promoting Northern Beaches serial pest and media street-stroller Paul Jacob.  You remember him, don’t you? He’s one of the founders of that Dad’s Army Comedy Troupe aka the Townsville Ratepayers Ass. (the abbreviation is more accurate than Association.)

Just before the nanna nap.

He and Dave The Desperate Moyle (look at me, Mum, look at me ….Mummmm….waaaa!!’) founded that group of lovable laughables the Shadow Council. Each Ass member shadows a councilor in each division, then they shuffle off in their socks and sandals and Best and Less floral-print frocks into small meetings where they tut-tut their way through copious amounts of Monte Carlo Cremes and innumerable cups of Bushels Extra Fine.

Mr Jacob is known around Walker Street as Cliff Richard, since he’s the front man for the Shadows.

It isn’t surprising that he cons both The Astonisher and little sister The Sun into quoting – as we know, they’re none too fussy where they get their alarmist claptrap from.

If Anthony Simpleton is a cheer leader, then Jacob is a jeer-leader.

Townsville TAFE building

So in this week’s Sun, under the headline Council Decision Doesn’t Rate, Jacob appears to exist in some sort of dark parallel universe, directly contradicting with no offered evidence the united council’s reasons for the deals on the derelict Flinders street West rail yards and the purchase and leasing of the TAFE building in the CBD.  Both are, on the known evidence, excellent risk averse deals, if the council insists into going to the development and property leasing game. Ratepayers are bound to benefit from both deals. The rail yards knock-down price of $20,000 is a steal for anyone.

But not according  to this blowhard political failure.

Jacob and his fellow loons start from the shaky basis that they would be better than the elected councillors, despite the fact that both he and Moyle have been emphatically told by voters that they’re seen as total duds. So the next council election is going have a lot of sideshow fun while the real game is played out in the main arena.

Pathetic and embarrassing, boys, but the ego pull of those suffering Relevance Deprivation Syndrome lead all sorts of people down dark deadends. Cliff/Paul, take a Summer Holiday - a long one.

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs' Bar to dispense pearls of wisdom in the hope that the night doesn't turn out to be a bummer of the Abbott variety.