Typo infuriates Canberra... and other perils of premature ejaculation.

Yup, what a week of cock-ups, one landing a bloke in court and the other landing Daily Astonisher editor Typo Gleeson in deep do-dos with, of all people ... the Governor General of Australia.

Yep our boy Typo down in Ogden Street, who you'll remember a few months ago couldn't get the date right on the front of his own paper, showed during the last week that he is still wrestling with getting dates - and ethics - right. Unless, of course, it was just yet another cock-up.

More on that shortly but first, we look at the unexpected perils of modern airline travel, in this week's Magpie's Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

What a week for the airline industry, and no, not just Qantas and its adventure into Asia. No, the real news was much more prosaic, all pulling and peeing at the grass roots level.

Coming close on the heels of froggy film star Gerard Depardieu's personal fire-hosing of the cabin aisle in a taxi-ing aircraft after being refused permission to use the loo before take-off, good old North Queensland can now claim to have gone one better. (In one of the better on-camera break-ups of all time, have a look at this video and story).

In the Townsville Magistrates' Court during the week, one Grant Abrook discovered that the law is not the only thing you cannot take into your own hands.

In a prudish turn of phrase, a coy Daily Astonisher reported this week that Mr. Abrook 'pleasured himself' openly in front of at least one passenger on a flight from Mt Isa to Townsville. 

In a story full of quote grabs in inverted commas, The Astonisher left the reader to work out that Mr Abrook had masturbated during the flight, although that word did not appear once in the story, despite it being a court yarn where blunt accuracy is generally required.

Given the prim prudery of senior female editorial manager, Attila The Hen, the reporter's copy was probably cleaned up in her best wowser tradition. If the court had heard 'penis', the reader would have read 'wee wee', and it was a wonder that we didn't see some entertaining Ben-Vernonesque euphemisms such as 'whacked off', 'tugged the todger' or 'doing the job on Johnny'.

Seems Mr Abrook is a miner - a leading hand no doubt - and one can only assume he is an impatient sort of fella; he couldn't wait to get home to the missus and was probably tired of waiting to join the mile-high club in the traditional manner, so took the matter into his own hands.

Best quote came from the 'thoroughly disgusted, traumatised' female passenger who spotted our boy in hard concentration. She told the police that she didn't report the matter to the flight attendants because she feared it would 'excite' the man. What, to the point of him asking for a helping hand?

The Magpie idly wonders what precautions other passengers could take if they found themselves on a flight with both Messrs Depardieu and Abrook. Umbrellas and wet weather gear sounds the most prudent.

But ya gotta feel for our bloke a bit, so here is something The 'Pie came across in an overseas advice column which may be instructive (you'll see from the grown-up wording it wasn't in the Townsville Bulletin).

Quite. 

Staying with The Astonisher, Typo could be in what Attila The Hen would call 'Number 2s' (ie shit) with Government House in Canberra. 

Here's a bit of background. Embargoed releases (advance information with a strict release-by date, given in advance to media outlets as a courtesy to allow time to prepare coverage) are a time-honoured part of journalism, and it is a trust that is rarely broken. It can be serious - in 1969, Great Train Robber Ronald Biggs escaped by just minutes ahead of Melbourne police because of a broken embargo - but generally, it is ethically held that embargos of any sort must be adhered to.

So, during the week, The Astonisher received such a release. This is what the clear directions were at the top.

22 August 2011

AUSTRALIAN BRAVERY DECORATIONS

EMBARGO

0001 HOURS AUSTRALIAN EASTERN STANDARD TIME

MONDAY 22 AUGUST 2011

STAR OF COURAGE (SC)

BRAVERY MEDAL (BM)

COMMENDATION FOR BRAVE CONDUCT

GROUP BRAVERY CITATION

This advance copy of the Commonwealth of Australia Gazette is issued for the

convenience of the media on the following conditions:

NOT TO BE published in the Press, on the internet, or broadcast over radio or

television stations before 0001 hours Australian Eastern Standard Time on

Monday 22 August 2011.

The information contained in this document about an individual recipient is

NOT TO BE communicated to any other person before the expiration of the

publication embargo. Please pass on to any affiliated outlets information

containing recipients of awards in their area. The embargo constraints

continue to apply until the release time, although each recipient is already

aware that he/she will be receiving an award.

Recipients of awards announced in this Gazette will be invested with their

insignia at a later date by the Governor-General at Government House, or at

Government House in the various States by the State Governor or

Administrator as appropriate.

Stephen Brady

Official Secretary to the Governor-General

Commonwealth

of Australia Gazette

No. S123, Monday, 22 August 2011

Published by the Commonwealth of Australia SPECIAL

Cat. No. S12311

ISSN 1032-2345

© Commonwealth of Australia 2011

Government House

CANBERRA ACT 2600

22 August 2011

AUSTRALIAN BRAVERY DECORATIONS

The Governor-General is pleased to announce the award of the following Bravery Decorations:

And then followed the helpful list of recipients.

All very official, all very clear.

Last Tuesday, a full week ahead of the embargoed release of the advance information, The Astonisher published a story directly and deliberately lifted from the the release that two Townsville-based blokes had received medals. Compounding this unethical cardinal sin of journalism, the story quoted comments by the Governor General Quenny Bryce which - technically - she hadn't made, and will not until August 22.

Two separate Canberra contacts told The Magpie that this break with protocol went far from unnoticed among the hierarchy in charge of Defence and of the Commonwealth Gazette ... and, in the inner sanctums, there was more than one temple with a throbbing vein. Checks quickly showed that the Townsville Bulletin was the ONLY media outlet of any type in Australia that broke the embargo.

So what could happen? 


Well, the only sanction would probably be that the Bulletin, the sole general newspaper in this garrison city, will be taken off the list for future embargoed releases - or any releases at all, a fact that won't be missed at Toady Hall in Holt Street, Sydney. If that happens, notch up another service to the community from leading Townsville temporary resident, Typo Gleeson. (Latest is he's going south - or somewhere, anywhere! - around Christmas).

Enough, it is now away to Poseurs' Bar, to be-bubble some compliant companion, with Sinatra in the background singing Come Fly With Me. The Magpie trusts that once home, he doesn't have to follow up with Puccini's La Boheme aria 'Your Tiny Hand Is Frozen'.