David 'Lucky Starr' Moyle to take on The Kid in Mundingburra, could Jeff Jimmieson become Townsville mayor (yes) and other political disasters.

Would you bloody believe it … all-party clown David  ‘I’ve Been Everywhere’ Moyle is at it yet again … he’s now the candidate for Katter’s Cut Snake Party in the seat of Mundingburra.

More shortly on that goofy saga, which is just part of this week’s grab bag which is worthy of Ripley’s Believe It Or Not … like ….

Good God, it could actually happen … Jeff Jimmieson REALLY  could become Townsville mayor!!!  By default!!  And Jenny The Talking Mullet Hill could lose … on her OWN preferences!!  True!! (Err, you’ve just run out of exclam marks, ‘Pie … readers, insert for self from now on. The Ed)

On the state scene, talk about a Blight on the landscape - it’s becoming a Labor tradition; a final  finger to local government and ratepayers from our outgoing premier.

We also try to analyse a  truly weird cock-up from the Astonisher.

Also, on Julia’s kerfuffle and one-shoe shuffle in Canberra, resident doodler Bentley weighs in with an hilarious new twist to one of the oldest and best of Aussie jokes … it’s all here in the nest this week at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

First, The Magpie doesn’t believe there is much to be said about those shiftless twerps on the lawns of Canberra who would lead their people back into the dark ages. Those who not only choose to put our Prime Minister in a dangerous and undignified position – this went around the world – but would also tear down all those gains made by aborigines over the last 40 years. And let’s be straight about this, Wingnut Abbot said nothing that any person of any persuasion and of any mild intelligence could translate as advocating the tearing down that pathetic humpy in front of old Parliament House. Not one single word, unless you had an antediluvian agenda in a mind informed by the indigenous industry of personal self-interest.

Fortunately, Bentley is a more relaxed chap, and saw an opportunity for a larf to recycle a classic old joke much enjoyed if not invented by aborigines themselves.

On the local political scene, here’s your starter for ten - would Jeff Jimmieson make a good Townsville mayor?

Well, The ‘Pie supposes there’s no good reason to believe so … he‘s only come to any one’s attention because for years he sucked on the Mooney tit, continually getting lucrative council-sponsored event contracts, and found that when life without the warmth of His Radiance was no longer heating his wallet, it was a cold and hard world. So now he needs a job. (Suggestions are persistent and rampant that the cold world may come back and bite him on the bum to the tune of some not inconsiderable debts, but The Magpie has no proof of any such situation.)

Now, for many of us, of a certain age The Big O was that nice Mr Orbison from America’s deep south, who showed his lack of racism by borrowing some sunglasses from that nice Mr Ray Charles. But in this neck of the woods, the crucial Big O is the word ‘Optional’.

That is, as in Optional Preferential Voting (OPV). And while OPV sounds like some sort of unpleasant type of STD, it could have far more lingering but equally unpleasant effects than just those of an unwise one-night stand.

Here’s how the Jimmieson nightmare could unfold.

First, both you readers must untwist your knickers after that intelligence-insulting flapdoodle from the Mullet and  Jester Jeff said that it hadn’t even occurred to either of them to do a preference deal – swapping second choice votes -  but they might think about it.

Yeah, right.

In terms of taking the electorate seriously, that claim is about as credible as the doubling-over guffaw that you two have both repudiated the Labor Party. (Hmmm, what happened to the last person who did that? Oh, that’s right, Tony ’ battler and independent team leader’  Mooney, who is now earning around  a battling $200.000 a year as a very capitalistic shill  for a coal company.)

So, let’s say – heavens, let’s hope we’re not wrong – that the preference deal is in place, where those who vote 1. The Mullet , will then vote 2. Jester Jimmieson. And vice versa.

Dale Last won’t even be last, he just won’t be mentioned.

So here are some of the varied situations when, as looks fairly certain, no one gets a 50% all-over-red-rover share of the primary vote.  And remember, we are talking Townsville and Tanti-ville here, so don’t laugh too hard. (Actually, please do.)

Here’s the first thing to keep in mind. Those who vote for The Mullet will probably give their preference to Jester Jeff. But here’s the thing, as they so tiresomely say in Yank sitcoms: those who vote for Jimmieson in the first place are almost certainly voting AGAINST  The Mullet, and are unlikely to give their preferences to her … or anybody. You see, it’s Optional.

Situation 1:  Dale Last gets the most primary votes but under 50%, Jenny is a close second – Jimmieson is eliminated - and Jenny gets just enough preferences from The Jester to get over the line. Mayor Mullet is home.

Situation 2: Same as above, but Last gets enough ABM –‘Anybody But Mullet’- Jimmieson preferences to just sneak in over our gal.

Situation 3: Here, although Last gets the most primary votes, we see Jimmieson actually get more than The Mullet, she is eliminated and thus he gets her considerable preferences.  Enough for him to beat Last,  and … arrrgghhh … he become mayor.

But it gets better – or worse - or hilarious, depending on your POV.

Situation 4: The Mullet gets the most primary votes, Jimmieson comes in second and Dale Last is eliminated. But on the preference count,  where Last is found to have no preferences for anyone, the two front runners swap their preferences to try and find a winner - Jimmieson gets all The Mullet’s preferences and she gets bugger all back from him …. And ARRRghmageddon … Jimmieson becomes mayor, Jenny having been defeated BY HER OWN PREFERENCES. (Dunno if it could happen, but would be fun, wouldn't it?) 

Situation 5: Jimmieson gets over 50% of the prima … but, no, you’ve had enough laughs for now, folks, let’s save some for later.

Like this.

When it comes to party politics, David Moyle seems to  really be into self-flagellation, handing  himself a lusty six of the best. The six in this case are the political parties he has panted and thanklessly drooled around over the past decade or so, seeking an unforthcoming kind crumb from any one of them (and he’ll have no luck with number six just announced).

A typical political fund friseur.

Years ago, The Magpie dubbed our boy the Lucky Starr of local politics, because he’d been everywhere. Like, the Libs, the Nats, the New Country Party (guess who started that) One Nation, Labor, - in and out a couple of times - then an anti-party independent (oh, don’t your merry japes ever end, m’darlin’) and now The Katteronic Cut Snake Party. Sad that The Greens didn’t want you, which is, you know, a bit of a kick in the cods by any measure.

And all this to now take on your former pal, Kid Crisafulli. Well, here’s your big chance, fella, go for it, might as well make the best of it while visiting the planet.

And your fate will be known on March 24, a date carefully chosen by this perfumed purveyor of political porkies to inflict a perceived benefit to her and maximum pain on all councils and ratepayers in this state. How so, you cry, as you lift up your skirts and run seeking cover (listen, cross dressers are included in this blog, don’t get picky).

Well, it costs virtually nothing to move the local government polling date, despite the fact that - all mealy mouthed, smiling excuses aside,- it isn’t necessary at all. What will cause financial pain will be the effect on councils and ratepayers across the state.  Because now that the council polls are put back four to six weeks, so will the amount of time new councils will be allowed to have over the normal deadline to submit their budgets.

This means rates bills – and as much as you hate them, they’ll keep your garbage being collected and the potholes filled – will go out anything up to two months too late. For that time, council will forfeit the interest on the rates money that goes into council coffers to help run the cities and towns. And we ain’t talkin’ M&Ms here, folks, we’re talking big bikkies.

But the ratepayers cop more than just a passing inconvenience, too, because when they finally cough up for the first half-yearly rates bill, their second will be in the mail just weeks later, to reinstate the normal money cycle… probably just before Christmas.

This is all councils, so don’t go thinking your special (although, in the modern sense of the phrase, many of you no doubt are – why else would you read this load of old cobblers?).

So thanks Anna, all this just so you hope to get a bit of a lift from a flood report. You have managed to shaft us yet again. Well, at least there’s no more bloody state assets to flog off. (Oh, shit, there are? Christ, sorry, folks, toll highways here we come and parking meters to the highest bidder.)

Finally, we visit our old pals down in Ogden Street for this week’s WTF moment. WTF? Ask your hubby dear, but be sitting down.

Earlier his week, the Bulletin published a story about former Townsville  Council CEO Brian Guthrie’s recent stroke and recovery. Worthy little yarn, as these things are.  But somewhere in there was a reference to how the very able Ray Burton had succeeded Mr Guthrie. 

Now, it may have been overwork or lack of local knowledge or both, but a sub editor decided the headline should be ‘Ray’s Stroke of Luck’. It didn’t make any sense, but the offense was immediate, one letter writer asking if the suggestion was that Mr Burton somehow received some benefit from Mr Guthrie’s misfortune. Even if they had got the name right, it was insensitive at best.

But what interested The Magpie was the almost unbelievable swiftnest of a rare and prominent apology. 


This is what appeared ON THE SAME DAY below the story which ran under a more anodyne headline.

Apology: THE Townsville Bulletin wishes to express its regret over the unfortunate wording of a headline published in an earlier version of this story and on page 4 of today's newspaper edition. The error was unintentional and the Bulletin apologises for any offence it may have caused.

Stopping a newspaper run to alter such a blooper can mean only that the person complaining had enough clout – you know, like maybe the head of a billion dollar corporation like the Townsville City Council – to scare the legal shits out of the normally arrogant ‘oh, later, maybe’ management.  The other somewhat distant possibility is that the editor or The Ogre suddenly had a legal light bulb pop on above their head.

The Magpie, who has never seen this speed or prominence of an apology – which amounts to an admission of legal culpability – would have a modest wager that some financial smoothing over has or will take place.

Who knows, but a good guess would be not so modest.

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs’ Bar, where The ‘Pie will seek selection for a party … hopefully, one in which David Moyle has no interest.