Mayor Mullet goes the big whinge and as a result, could now be in legal strife. And The Astonisher could be in the poo with her.

And that ‘secret’ report Mayor Mullet accused her CEO of withholding from her? A report that allegedly may have found the necessary savings to allow the populist promises of a fiscal incompetent to be passed by council?  The Magpie will tell you a few things that The Astonisher and cub reporter Anthony Simpleton won’t.

But ever worth a larf, the paper’s addled on-line presence raised a few chortles this week.

There were also a couple of great headlines over the last few days, and Bentley weighs in with one of his best biting cartoons ever, so it’s a mixed bag in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie     

It now appears to be official – Jenny The Moaning Mullet Hill has engaged the public relations firm Simpleton and Potter, to put her side of any story she may wish to fool the public about. The firm’s principals are Anthony Simpleton and Lachlan ‘Harry Potter’ Heywood.

The firm, with offices in Ogden Street is also known as The Townsville Bulletin, which Mayor Mullet has been – or so it would seem – an associate editor for a while now, such is the unbalanced and unquestioning tripe written about her unchallenged assertions. Her attempts at boosting herself as a master politician are dazzling examples of the ego rampant.

But this time, our gal may have gone one step too far in her relentless and underhand pursuit of council CEO Ray Burton. – and the Bulletin might go for a legal ‘burton ‘with her, if the matter follows a certain course.

 Mayor Mullet's agenda has been aimed at sacking Ray Burton and installing a more Mullet-malleable CEO, a development that you can bet your life will not occur under the current council.

Knowing full well that a majority of councilors would knock down her irresponsible promises (which they duly have done), The Mullet scurried off to the paper on the eve of the budget with the breathless news that that that nasty Burton person had sneakily withheld a vital report from her – vital because it showed how sufficient savings could be made by sacking about 270 council staff which would allow her opposed measures to be passed. In the process of making this desperate, unsubstantiated and – if Mr Burton so chooses to test it – libelous claim, The Mullet also basically alleged that the CEO was a liar when he denied any such withholding.

Bentley at his absolute best.

The clear inference was that The Mullet wanted the recommendations in this report, done by outside consultants, should be implemented.

Huh? Now just have a think about this.

Jenny Hill is and always has been a member of the Labor Party, a devious political manipulator in her own interests, and she has forever been simpering on about being the battler’s defender and champion. But here we have her, for reasons of pure ego and fiscal incompetence, trying to shore up her position – by sacking workers!! If ever anyone was driven by hubris, it would be she.

Haven't heard from the unions on this yet. 

But despite a clear statement from Mr Burton denying her allegations, (‘I am not a liar’ was a dignified and straightforward response) she decided to press on with her view that he was indeed a big fat fibber.  

Ray Burton

That was finally too much for the CEO, who is heartily fed up with such unfounded attacks on him and his senior staff. He has reported the matter to the Crime and Misconduct Commission (CMC). Anthony Simpleton continued in his role as The Mullet’s PR shill, selectively reporting all this but without, it would seem, the slightest attempt at background research (he’s getting quite a reputation for this modus operandi).

And then, The Astonisher's editor, Lachlan 'Harry Potter' Heywood, decided to mince on to the scene, letting go a mighty squeak, a thundering falsetto broadside that agreed, as always, with The Mullet’s view. In a possibly ill-advised conclusion, our boy indicated that no matter what the CMC decided, Burton was in the wrong. So much for the CMC.

Well, in the real world, if the CMC decides that Mr Burton did not withhold the document in an underhand or improper manner, The Magpie is advised he could well pursue the matter in the civil court, seeking damages for libel. And - in the highly unlikely case of this happening - The Bulletin and its boy editor would be co-defendants as the publisher of the damaging statements, compounded by Heywood’s open agreement with them.

But what of that report?

The truth is that this $50,000 report was commissioned by Mr Burton last year and was paid for with money allocated to his control for operating the council. That’s all above board in that department, and the council knew of the move last year, although it didn’t have to vote on it. The CEO had the right to seek such outside views.

But what you haven’t been told is that this report by a firm of Brisbane consultants was never supposed to be presented to council for consideration or comment – let alone voting on the contents - simply because under the rules of governance, it was none of their business. It was simply a tool for the CEO to get an alternative outside point of view and outline possible pathways to savings. There would have been no point in presenting it to council, because councilors have no say in the hiring and firing of council staff – that is delegated down from the CEO, and is dictated by the operational budget council gives him. That’s his job. So there was nothing to be withheld from council that they should have seen. That goes double for a belligerent, petulant and vindictive mayor who is going around the bend over the fickleness of the democratic process that sees her as a lame duck figurehead in a fully functioning council.

But certain elements of the report have been acted on by the council, when the CEO brought them forward individually for discussion and decision.  Much of this imbroglio is the complex wash-up of the forced amalgamation brought on by the lovely Peter Beattie.

And just before we leave this matter, a couple of  things.

The Magpie happily takes the occasion to congratulate those eight councilors who withstood several pathetic attempts at bullying and hectoring – publicly and privately – urging them to go back on their pledges to the people to oppose The Mullet’s populist nonsense. this was one tail that was not able to wag the dog.Anyone with any brains and a modicum of financial nous should be slapping these folk on the back, and not slapping them about the ears, as The Astonisher has already started to do.

les Messagebank Walker

And is there sad news out there for Labor councillor Les Messagebank Walker, former kids’ prison screw, pizza shop operator and union heavyweight? Poor bugger seems to have early onset dementia, or Old Timers Disease, because it appears his memory is failing him. During the budget discussions, he rose majestically and in a roaring, blinking admonishment, took the councillors to task for coming in with a deficit for each of the past four years – conveniently forgetting that four years ago, the council was down the deficit tube to the tune of $56 million. Irresonsible and incompetent was the gist of his tirade.

Oh dear, Les mate, you poor coot, loss of vital memory is a cruel blow. Or is The ‘Pie mistaken? Did he miss you ever rising to deliver the same forthright sentiments when you were part of Mooney’s Walkerr Street One Armed Aerobics Class – you easily could have for each and every year you were on council, for each and every one of those years featured an ever expanding deficit.  However, there may be an alternative clue to your bizarre behavior. The ‘Pie is unreliably informed that before each council meeting, you kiss Mayor Mullet on her cheeks – all four of them.

Other matters.

Two entries in the Best Headline of the Year category.

From the NT News in Darwin, we get the yarn about a local who ended up in hospital with painful burns to his buttular region. He was  tall tale-ing some visiting Queensland mates and decided to demonstrate the reputed toughness of the locals by letting of a firecracker while holding it in a non-traditional manner. The headline tells the tale ‘ Why I Stuck A Cracker Up My Clacker’.  If this is your go, read the story here.

And from England, a Daily Teleegraph headline that does what headlines are meant to do: give you enough salient facts to make you read the story. The ‘Pie defies you not to head for this link when you see the headline ‘Lady Funeral Director Groped By Embalmer’. There's obviously some jokes in their involving the word stiff - make 'em yourselves.

On the local front, the entirely unintentional fun came from a week-long series of bizarre cock-ups from the Bulletin’s on-line site.  News Ltd’s new head honcho Kim Williams has been wittering on about drastic changes needed to better serve the on-line presence of his newspapers. Well, it won’t come a moment too soon for The Astonisher. (And The ‘Pie prefaces the following with the genuine belief that all the cyber errors he mentions are not the product of ignorant journalists but of grossly over-worked scribes operating in an atmosphere of insecurity and anxiety about their jobs).

On Monday, everything was tickety-boo on-line,  (somewhere back there was a breathless story – this is true - where the headline did not entice one to read on, which essentially proclaimed ‘Dog Bites Cat’. Really? ) 

Anyway, come Tuesday, there was a bit of a whoopsie when all but two of that day’s yarns were repeats of the previous day. 

Things more or less got back on track Wednesday – except that is, for the thundering editorial spot.  

It was the one from the previous day.

In fact, that particular editorial aka Harry Potter’s Year 10 Essay of the Day, remained in the editorial spot right through to Friday.  But it disappeared on Saturday – and here, it appears congratulations are in order for Benny Vernon, who seems to have been elevated to the editor’s chair, because if you go to opinion on the menu bar, hit editorial, you get funnyman Ben’s column. Making this even more interesting was Ben’s ‘Rude Bloke’ headline ‘Dealing With The Witless’ that earns the Irony Award of the Week. 

But then, there’s not much difference between Ben and Lachlan Heywood – both are clowns but only one is intentionally so. When this hits the in-boxes, that matter will no doubt be rectified lickety split so have a quick gander now and see if you can catch it.

On Thursday, there was another deeply mysterious episode, and it wasn’t for the first time that a puzzling corrective formula was used.  

In a headline, the word was spelt ‘budgett’, a minor matter now so commonplace in this rag that it wasn’t going to even rate a mention. But in the comments from readers,  one said‘ Loved the typo in the headline’. 

Now this raises a couple of WTFs. 

Wouldn’t you normally reply to the reader, thanking them for the heads-up and correct the error? Why in God’s name would you publish the letter, AND then leave the mistake there?  But eventually, someone got around to dropping the  surplus ‘t’.  BUT they didn’t delete the email pointing out the mistake, so readers would be left fruitlessly searching for the now non-existent typo. If they could be bothered. 

You can get all this fun and hilarity and the full on-line Bulletin for a subscription of  $30 a month.

You can also subscribe on-line to one of the best and most meticulous newspapers in the world, the non-News Ltd New York Times, for $15 per month.  

As tiresome youth says ‘go figure’. 

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs’ Bar, to be-bubble some bright-eyed beauty, where the conversation may stray on to the subject of cock-ups, but it'll have bugger all to do with The Bulletin.