A question: What’s the difference between a well-done pork chop and our mayoral Mullet Jenny Hill? Nothing much, both have been heavily grilled to the point of turning grey, one on a BBQ, the other by the CMC.

Yup, the heat is on: those cheery chaps and grimly smiling  chapettes from the Crime and Misconduct Commission arrived in town during the week, unpacking their portable car batteries and interrogatory jumper leads to look into charges of bureaucratic impropriety at the Townsville City Council.

All this in a week when Townsville City Council CEO Ray Burton garners a top gong for a job well done.

The ghost of Mooney’s Past momentarily haunts local newsrooms, while another Townsville mover and shaker Rabieh Krayem gets into the national press – for all the wrong reasons; 14 million reasons, actually.

Campbell Newman’s government – seeking to do an Alice Through The Looking Glass with the language – is deserving of an elegant motto for Queensland. The Magpie has the answer.

And in a not entirely unrelated matter, have you seen that deeply weird TV commercial for poo paper?

It’s the usual mix of the sublime and the ridiculous here in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The Moaning Mullet was more of a grilled mullet this week, reportedly spending a whole day behind closed doors having a pleasant chat with those nice CMC folk. 

Think of the fish as Mayor MUllet and the tomato as CMC officers.

They were curious about her claim that CEO Ray Burton kept secret a specially commissioned external report that would have, had she known its contents, allowed her to sack up to 270 council workers so she could fund her election pledges of a rates freeze and a water rebate. Funny how she didn't know about it, all her other fellow councillors are said to have been well aware of the report's existence since last year.

Not surprisingly, Mr Burton didn’t take too kindly to such suggestions, and, as required to under the Local Government Act,  reported the matter to the CMC himself for adjudication. If they find he has done nothing wrong, Mr Burton will not only have cleared his name but also his path to court for a civil damages action, if he so chooses.

The CMC gumshoes also had lengthy interviews with Mr Burton and then members of his senior staff. The ‘Pie understands the only councilor to face the CMC’s verbal cosh was Deputy Doodah Vern Veitch.

Now back in Brissy, the CMC bods are considering the fruits of their northern labours. The ‘Pie idly wonders if they will note that Jenny Hill has form for crying wolf to them on at least three previous occasions. All her carry on was deemed on each occasion to carry no weight, even hinting that the complaints verged on the vexatious and/or frivolous. In fact, The Mullet was such a pain in the arse that the CMC issued an edict warning local government politicians not to try to use them in political campaigns or for political purposes – or else.

We now wait to see if this time, Mayor Mullet has finally got her tits caught in the legal wringer.

Ray Burton, Public Sector Professional of the Year.

Maybe, maybe not, but her well known cheerful disposition took a bit of a hit when Ray Burton picked up the prestigious Public Sector Professional of the Year Award at a glittering ceremony (why are they always glittering?) in Brisbane mid-week.  The annual award is made by the Institute of Public Administration Australia. The reason for Burton’s win can be seen here in the submitted nomination - the last line about a small surplus was correct at the time of submission, but even a $5 million deficit isn't bad going. 

Oh, by the by, if you missed this Townsville-boosting award in the Bulletin, you didn't look hard enough - you would have found a few small, dismissive paragraphs on page 21 of today's edition - with an irrelevant and gratuitous mention about the CMC investigation. Wonder if the paper's associate editor Mayor Hill had won an equivalent award (ha! as if!) where the story would have appeared ... The 'Pie's guess is 20 pages earlier - with a headline like 'Hill's Hoist' - plus simpering pic. Plus a self-pleasuring editorial from Lachlan 'Harry Potter' Heywood. 

And it doesn’t end there for The Mullet this week, she must have been momentarily alarmed by a council media release last Thursday.

One of the council’s senior media men, the cheery Tony 'Chopper' Wode – the voice of Cluden on race days – has just returned from a lazy sojourn in France, and must have been still dreaming of Jimmy Buffet’s ‘French wine and cheeses and soft summer breezes’ when last Thursday, he dropped this into the in-boxs of media outfits around towns (note who is available for interview).

6 SEPTEMBER 2012

ATTENTION >> NEWS EDITORS / CHIEFS OF STAFF

TSUNAMI EVACUATION GUIDE LAUNCH

The Townsville Local Disaster Management Group is set to heighten the ability of residents to prepare and respond to a tsunami emergency, with the distribution of a Tsunami Evacuation Guide.

Group Chair Cr Jenny Hill will preview the guide – which will be sent to residents from tomorrow - at 11am tomorrow, Friday September 7 near the Picnic Bay Surf Lifesaving Club on The Strand.

Cr Mooney and the Townsville City Council’s Emergency Management Unit manager Allen Morris will be available for interview.

Err, Cr Mooney, Chopper? Dreamin’ of the good old days, mate? Ah, well, right now, you ain’t alone, pal. 

(Ever the gentlebird, The Magpie will abstain from comment on the appropriateness of Jenny Hill being the head of a local disaster management group. Bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, really, under the current circumstances, innit?)

What The ‘Pie would like to point out is that Mr Wode and The Magpie have been on friendly terms for years, and his work has been fair and balanced as long as the old bird has known him – this is just a jest-worthy slip almost equal to the numerous ones The ‘Pie makes himself.

There was another reminder of the Mooney past, when His Radiance’s affable but luckless mate Rabieh Krayem yet again landed in the financial poo. As you will see in this column item from the Sydney Morning Herald’s CBD column (4^th item down headlined  ‘More Bad News …’) Rabieh’s Humanis recruitment outfit – which briefly employed His Radiance after his demise as mayor - is down the tubes to the tune of a cool $14 million.  

Rabieh Krayem - always smilin' through.

The gods seem to be conspiring against you, Rabs – first was your stint at the fledgling Cowboys, which was $13 million around the S-bend in the red before News Ltd stepped in. Then more recently, the Fury soccer team was kicked over the sideline when losing a couple of mill a year in their second year. Ah, well, they say things come in threes, so, maybe next time around, things will go better for you. Hey, did you know there is a revival of Roller Derby up this way at the moment?  Could be a big opportunity there, mate.

Speaking of being in the poo, perhaps Rabieh needs the financial version of being ‘grippled’.  

This is a word that clever clogs advertising types hope will enter the language. It probably will, but it will almost certainly be in the pejorative sense, and long after the product has gone down the loo of television history.

This ad extols the nonsensical virtues of a new toilet paper with ‘gripples’, or corrugations that presumably grip that which ordinary loo papers don’t. The ad encourages – nay, forces - the viewer to conjure up some rather unpleasant images, as a little pup wanders around trying to sniff people’s bums but backs off when he detects that someone hasn’t been ‘grippled’.

It is purposely tasteless, and somewhat unsavory, especially if viewed as your tucking into your evening take-away vindaloo and stubby of Fourex Gold.

But The ‘Pie fell into deeper disturbed contemplation on hearing the closing slogan ‘’ … help spread the gripple effect’. Spread?  Now, surely there must be a law against this unhygienic and anti-social suggestion, which hitherto had been an activity restricted to institutionalized mental patients trying to draw attention to some real or imagined grievance. And to politicians, of course.

Be interesting to see how long this ad lasts before it is … err – wiped. All round, a daggy bit of advertising, and a bummer that’s on the nose. (Boom tish!)  

Distorted euphemistic language was to the fore here in Queensland during the week, as Campbell Newman and his numerous gofers did a Red Queen number from ‘Alice’ – words will means whatever I want them to mean.

First, both Newman and Lawrence ‘Gomer Pyle’ Springborg galumphed on that they had not pulled a swifty during the campaign when they promised not to cut frontline public service jobs. See, what they really meant was they weren’t going to cut frontline ‘services’. You old sillies, you, what did you think he meant?

Well, one has to guess they’re right, because just sacking the backroom back-ups to frontline services obviously means said services won’t be cut – they’ll be slowed down to an even more confused snail’s pace, will be longer and about as reliable as a Qld Health Department pay computer.

Newman’s local gofer up here, chairman of the new hospital board John Bearne smacked his riding crop against his black jodphurs as he announced there wouldn’t actually be any sackings, but zere vould  be ‘ein realignment’.  Realignment? It is more a ‘join the linement’ - to Centrelink - after death by a thousand euphemisms. 

Realignment now apparently means 'the sack'.

Well, political ghosts waft back into view after election campaigns. Anna Blight had her secret of asset sales, now Campbell Newman has his ‘public servants have nothing to fear from me’ pledge. To quote another politician of a similiar far right persuasion, ‘please explain’.

Remember when the Newman government dumped the cringingly inaccurate number plate slogan ‘The Smart State’ (no wonder they wanted to get rid of that ) and was shopping for a new one. May The ‘Pie humbly suggest to the Brisbane Bantam that you pinch the motto of the Royal Society of London, which would add a bit of swisho Latin to our state’s image while being absolutely accurate.

Nullius in Verba would fit – it means ‘Take nobody’s word for it’ or in a more prosaic translation ‘ Don’t trust authority’. Or campaign statements.

There ya go, spot on.

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs’ Bar, where The 'Pie will discuss offering his assets for free to any suitably bebubbled gal who will, in return, offer her frontline services. Then it will be away home,  to hit the realignment together.