Mrs Cut Snake goes shopping – regally … and News Ltd gives the game away; their latest self-spruiking promotional drive is toe-curlingly embarrassing – and revealing.

And the paper proves it has the same problem in the news pages – yes, another chapter in the touching saga of The Sins of Simpo.

Also, WIN TV News is giving The Daily Astonisher a run for its money in the chronic cock-up stakes …

Dean Martin will be spinning his grave when an Aussie musical clever clogs gives Julia Gillard a homage to the tune of That’s Amore – only it’s now ‘That’s a Pork-kay’ - as in porkie – clever stuff.

Plus an old colleague departs the scene, - Bentley thinks that we’re going to be selling off more than the farm - and an ‘exclusive’,  ‘revealing’ look at Black Caviar getting ready for her foaling duties (document obtained under Freedom of Information laws).

It’s all here all in the nest at ww.townsvillemagpie.com.au

First up, having thrashed everything on the race track, Black Caviar seems now to be looking for a bit of a belting herself behind the mating barn, as our ‘exclusive’ pic ‘reveals’.

And the other miscellaneous matter comes from America, where the Richmond Times Despatch ran a story concerning a dump truck driver who 'who dropped more than 59,000 pounds of treated human excrement  on Interstate 295' and was charged with 'failure to contain his load'. Bummer.

On the home front, let’s first get a quick lesson in what American funnyman Dave Barry terms ‘the proper grammatorical usagality of English, both orally and in the form of words’.

Memo WIN News Director: being an equal opportunity employer does not extend to hiring a chronic dyslexic to do your news captioning. And it’s not just here and there; there have been literally dozens of schoolboy howlers over the past year alone (see Catchy O’Toole from last week). Facebook has regular examples – well done, Cam.

Noted from just a single bulletin, last Sunday night. A rozzer investigating if there was foul play in a Brisbane house fire was captioned as a ‘member of the homocide squad’.  What, was this possibly a gay hate killing?

Noted in the same bulletin was a reckless intro about the gal’s clash between quote, ‘The Pulse and The Magic, the heavyweights of netball’. Some of them certainly bloody big Brunhildes, but linking heavyweight with anything to do with females is courting disaster from all angles except the pub's front bar.

The WIN scriptwriting is none too hot, with the reader telling us that in future, flood damaged bridges would be ‘built more reliable’. 

One hopes that in the future, this news service gets more betterer.

But they’re not alone. Subs are much enamored of their own drollery, and this often blinds them to an obvious idiocy.

This from today’s Astonisher.

Even if it is a play on the word write/right, it’s plain silly – anyway, like the paper's dwindling band of readers, The ‘Pie thinks it’s just another mistake. Regular readers may remember that News Ltd has particular trouble with the word ‘write’ – in their spurious, fruitless and illegal demand of $1500 from The ‘Pie for alleged breach of photographic copyright, (they never once said what pics,were used where and when) their invoice demanded money for ‘copywrite’ infringement. After a year of attempted bullying and threats of all sorts legal mayhem, they’ve dropped off, presumably realizing the error of their ways. The idiocy extends all the way to the bean counters, it seems. Hi, Ross.

More on The Astonisher later, but as we usually do, let’s have a laugh before we cry.

Do have a squizz at this. There are a lot of musical parodies around targeting Joolya, many very ho hum, but this is more a humdinger. Our Prime Minister’s penchant for, as the Poms say, ‘being economical with the truth’ is an ideal subject for musical wit. Haven’t seen better in this genre.

Back to local matters, and a time honored aristocratic term, redolent with all its Downtown Abbey inferences, came to mind in dusty old Townsville this week.

noblesse oblige |nōˈbles ōˈblē zh | the inferred responsibility of privileged people to act with generosity and nobility toward those less privileged : there was to being a celebrity a certain element of noblesse oblige.

The Magpie learnt that the wife of The Cut Snake Party (aka Katter’s Australia Party) founder, Susie Katter, had decided to do a bit of shopping while on a visit to the ‘Ville recently. 

A Magpie mate tells the old bird that a somewhat bemused proprietor of the all-things-nautical store The Navigation Centre in Railway Estate received a hush-hush, keep-it-under-wraps call from a person who was presumably Susie’s PA/minder. She was on her way!!! Why Susie has PA anyway is another question for another time, but said PA advised the store that they were soon be graced with the presence of Mrs Bob Katter. No reason was given for the heads up, unless a 21-gun salute was expected.

A short time later, there was a second call, this time to discuss what Mrs Katter was seeking. Alas the shopping list is not available to The ‘Pie so his curiosity is further piqued by the Centre’s phone book blurb, which tells us that it can supply ‘flags, maps, charts, compass (sic), barometer(sic)’. (Strange to apparently have lots of the other stuff but only one compass and one barometer.) 

The visit was made and now remains shrouded in mystery. Just why the two warning calls were deemed necessary may never be known, although there would be plenty of people pleased to be warned that her hubby was heading their way – they’d be leaping through back windows and off balconies onto their horses if Big Bob was acomin’ to town.

But the question is - is Susie running away to sea, has it all become too much for her? Or have she and Bob decided to chuck it all in, now the kids are out of the house, and sail off into the beckoning Pacific?

Not likely. 

Last December, the Courier Mail ran a wittily headlined article  ‘The United States of Bob’, in which Jordan Baker described Susie Katter as Bob's ‘often embarrassed but fiercely loyal wife.’ Her honesty can hardly be questioned, when she told The Age that she wished Bob would ‘talk less and dress better’. Oh, if only he’d listen to the missus.

And The ‘Pie having made merry of this inconsequential incident, would like it known that while doing his penal servitude at The Daily Astonisher, he had reason to chat with Mrs Katter on a few occasions, and that Bob should thank his lucky stars for her. Mrs Katter was always friendly, unfailingly polite and like son Robbie, seems to have retained her full bag of marbles and has been immune to catching any lunacy gene floating in the Cloncurry air. The ‘Pie reckons we ought to elect her – after all Flo made a pretty good fist of it, and her husband was just as loopy.

Someone not making too good a fist of it, according to quite a few folks, is erstwhile federal treasurer Peter Costello, who is morphing into some sort of political Harvey Norman by promoting a justifiably hackle-raising fire sale of state-owned assets.

The ‘Pie reckons The Smirker might have a Chinese offer for the Great Barrier Reef in his hip pocket for a future surprise (‘They want it to match their Great Wall, see’), but Bentley is outraged (he really is) and as usual, vents his spleen eloquently.

Other matters.

Sad news from England for the old bird this week, with the passing of his old squash partner and top-notch television reporter Desmond Hamill. Certainly one of the best television reporters of his day, Desmond had that trait rare to his professional breed – modesty and generosity about the contribution of others to the finished product. 

Desmond Hamill (r) on assignment in Sudan,
with his cameraman Sebastian Rich

The ‘Pie did several ‘tours of duty’ to Belfast and Ulster as Desmond’s field producer, and watched him first hand in action. He was among the best of a top notch bunch from all channels in that ‘golden era’ of television journalism.

But there are two things for which The ‘Pie will always recall about Desmond: he was ten years older than the brash swaggering young  ‘Pie, but he regularly thrashed this upstart Aussie on the squash court – never got within cooee, all I got was a frequent bruising.

The other anecdote concerns him but is not about his own exploits.

One Sunday shift in the 1970s, with the ITN News not on until six o’clock, we all trooped off to reporter Jilly Strickland’s nearby flat for lunch. The somewhat reserved but friendly newsreader Rory McPherson came along, and it transpired that – possibly with a little chicanery from others – he unwittingly consumed a couple of hash cookies. When the normally staid Rory then took to the newsreader desk for the night’s bulletin, a slightly glazed look was the only inkling of what was to come.

There was a story from Northern Ireland – unhappily in all ways, a rather gruesome and bloody one – and the reporter was Desmond Hamill. Despite reading some grim words of introduction, Rory appeared to smile and even seemed to have a small giggle before he then said the immortal words ‘ … and now this report from Dismal Harold’.

But Dismal Harold he was not, he was anything but.  Desmond is survived by his wife and two children. He was 76, and by his own estimation, he ‘had had a good run.’ This obituary in the London Telegraph shows the broad reach of his professional life, including being kidnapped, and getting Ronald Biggs to kiss the ground.

Indeed you did have a good run, mate, RIP.

From proper journalism to ... well, something somewhat less.

The beating core of any news organisation is just that - news … the breadth, balance and honesty of its coverage of daily events, good and bad.  And if you get facts wrong, or spin them to run some agenda to become commentators rather than reporters in the news columns, the whole publication, even the good stuff,  suffers a crisis of credibility.

When it comes to fair and positive coverage, The ‘Pie reckons that the majority of people in Townsville have about as much confidence in the Townsville Bulletin as Gina Rinehart has in her undie elastic.

Here are a couple of examples. This media release was issued by the Townsville City Council  a couple of weeks ago. This sort of story is meat and potatoes in a small community that wants to be proud of its progress. There was a time when this news of awards such as these would’ve been a front page mention and pointer if not the main story itself.

But the relentless negativity and anti-council agenda of the editorial shot-callers (who by the way, go against the opinion of the overwhelming majority of ratepayers and voters) dictates that stories must have self-indulgent too-clever-by-half headlines with 'news points' that would have us believe we live a alcohol-sodden cesspit of crime, disease and incompetent civic management.

Think The ‘Pie is a bit over the top here? 

Well, this is what happened to the awards story – it was shuffled off to the in-basket of the weekly throw-over free paper The Sun, and in Ogden Street terms, that is in itself a comment of its perceived second class worth. The Bulletin never fails to pinch the occasional good shock/horror stories unearthed by the Sun’s small team, but pushes a lot of ‘unworthy’ stuff to the weekly.

But The Sun wasn’t overly taken with good news either, so what happened? The story ran towards the back of the paper – in the classifieds pages!

That’s News Ltd’s vote of confidence in an award-winning council.

The second matter is even more blatant, and yet again, made ‘revealer’ Anthony ‘Simpo Templeton look like a gormless galoot limping along behind the times. The ‘Pie has already mentioned this matter in the comments area during the week, but for those who don’t get the subscriber’s email automatically sending comments, (log on, it's free and non-fattening) this is worth airing again – sorry to those of you for whom this is a double-up.

Written by The 'Pie, the following is as posted last Wednesday:

Look, there's just so much insulting nonsense going on in The Daily Astonisher, The Magpie will now make comment to subscribers (recommend it, its free) when and as necessary - daily is likely - and won't save all the paper's excesses up until Saturday. (There'll still be plenty left over).


Two matters deserve mention today, both involving ace 'revealer' Anthony Simpo (as in Simpleton) Templeton.


Yesterday (Tuesday) all media outlets received this release from the Townsville City Council,


which details the closure hours on Castle Hill for annual maintenance work on the road and the various tracks and some infrastructure As the release explained, the work is done historically around now because it is nominally the end of the wet season. 



Clear, timely and unambiguous.

Today (Wednesday) enter Simpleton. 



It is clear there is a wrong-headed mind-set at the Bulletin, and particularly with this reporter, that there has to be friction, some sort of confrontation, which can be used to make anything 'news'. Especially if,  for unfathomable reasons, it can give the council an undeserved kick.

This is 'metro-think' and ignores the reality of who this paper's audience is. So click here to see what we got from Nth Queensland's ace 'revealer'

.

Even with this mob, you'll have to wait a long time for a more fatuous and dishonest headline than 'Council urged to cut hill overgrowth' - something the Bulletin was clearly informed about 24 hours earlier and knew was already happening. But no, we had to have some disaffected whinger - or possibly, some mythical person dreamed up for the exercise, pretty safe name since there are more than 70 J Smith's in the telephone book - ramping up the perceived dangers lurking in the undergrowth.



Then Simpleton goes on to quote from the media release or tediously (many councillors will now not take his calls) have those who will speak to him repeat the media release verbally. Yet another example of setting up a story with a bogus out-of-date complaint and then ingenuously knocking it down with what they already knew further down in the yarn. It just makes the paper and reporter look juvenile and silly. 

This really is insulting bullsh-t of the first order.



But wait there's more, as the steak knife man said to Kevin Rudd. 

In another story involving Simpo, a headline screams 'City leaders demand port windfall be spent in north'. 

Trouble is, they said no such thing. They wouldn't be silly enough to-presumably.



The headline, probably written elsewhere, was just there to whip up some faux indignation about a hypothetical  that is a long way off happening, if it ever does. Simpo did his job well enough,(well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day) getting a good cross section of 'informed' comment (God bless Carey Ramm, he really filled in what the paper should have been pointing out for ages), but the closest we got to 'demands' was a mild and mousey quote from Chamber of Commerce head Dawson Wilkie- quoth he '... we would hope to see some of the proceeds come back to North Queensland.' Some demand!



TEL and ratepayer 'salary rorter' David The Kipper Kippen made some confused comment about local investors having a chance for some of the action, which leads one to ask David, mate, maybe you were a bank manager, but that obviously doesn't mean you have an inkling about economics, does it? A lunch with Carey Ramm would be of great benefit to you, and would give some veracity to your public comments, old son. 

Check the story here



 The Pie offers the links because he feels if you rush out and buy the paper, it will only encourage them, as a kid is encouraged to be naughty to be noticed.

Finally, consider the following.

Talk about outing yourself.

The current promotional campaign by News Ltd for its regional papers – Townsville Bulletin, Cairns Post and Gold Coast Bulletin – has the theme ‘We’re for  …’ with a suitable location inserted.

Like this, in Cairns, where they didn’t hold back, with a special wrap-around front page to promote themselves.

The Townsville Bulletin was a tad more restrained, and modestly donned the mantle of being '... For  North Queensland’.

Err, chaps, this really does beg the question - what else could you be - unless you've perceived that you're not seen as local champions.

This is passing strange, to say the least. It seems a bit like saying ‘We’re for motherhood’, or ‘we’re for breathing’. The laughable lie that these papers are ‘for’ their various communities should be a given in normal circumstances, and we should not need any reminding or convincing of the fact. Of course, we’ve all long known through swingeing ad rates, mass sackings and agenda driven commentary parading as journalism that these pathetic headless chooks of publications are about reefing as much dough out of the community and sending it south to the Murdoch’s Sydney counting house, leaving not a skerrick behind.

When any newspaper in a defined circulation area has to start spending valuable in-house space promoting itself as being ‘for’ its community, then it follows there must be some awareness that this isn’t the opinion of the punters. Now, those of us who are numbered in the tens of thousands – based on who doesn't buy these papers – already know, there is a question mark over any real connection to the communities when Murdoch papers are managed by venal fly-in teams of editorial and management carpetbaggers from the south. They give bugger all back to these cash cow regions, if anything at all. They don’t even give us thoughtful, intelligent reporting, which cost just the same as the heavily spun agendas and space-filling boring columns written mainly by kiddies with bugger all life experience. 

They feel the same down on The Coast, where Peter Typo Gleeson is now the sock puppet editor for former head journo and the local mayor’s campaign manager Bob Gordon. No wonder that paper is taking a lop-sided view of issues, especially the destruction of the last bit of natural seafront, The Spit, which Mayor Tom Tate wants for a cruise ship terminal (sound familiar?).

And the paper's detractors are none too subtle about it, either. We'll give this week's last word to them.