So, who gets the Steggles Egg On Face Award this week? Foolya? Wingnut? Maybe that intellectual hunchback Howard Sattler? Nope, a total dark-horse gets the gong.

The Magpie confidently presents his Steggles award to a lesser-known Labor MP who flew under the radar to put forward what has been called ‘the most boneheaded proposal’ to date – he's seeking a ban on journalist’s making predictions.

And in so seeking, our winner managed to hang not only himself in the noose of his own idiocy, but also opened the trapdoor under his own Treasurer Goose.

And on the local front, Mayor Mullet appears to come up with a cunning plan, and The ‘Pie must say, it is a sneaky but clever have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too effort.

A top American spook has ‘em rolling in the aisles with his waterboarding of the English language, and resident doodler Bentley has come up with a great idea for How To Vote cards at the up-coming September massacre. All here and a lot of other pointless and speculative drivel in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

It’s been a week of idiots, even for Mr Rabbit’s namesakes.

Quote of the Month goes to US TV satirist John Stewart commenting on aging Lothario Michael Douglas’s claim that he contracted throat cancer through cunnilingus – and then said that the same activity was the way to cure the virus. 

When Douglas was forced to retract his novel medical prognostication, Stewart suggested that Douglas had suffered a huge ‘slip of the tongue’.  That quip has now been taken up around the globe although African readers don’t know what all the fuss is about.

Huh? What? My head hurts.

Our man Bentley is somewhat in the same vein this week, in offering his novel idea for How To Vote cards for September (as if we need any).

That Matter of the Misguided Menu is now history , but a couple of sad observations in a week of sad observations.

Even when presented with what looks –looks – like great ammunition for Labor to mount another smack-down on wannabee coalition opponent Mal Brough, desperation again won out over caution for the ALP’s headless chooks. Labor’s Wong, Plibersek and Treasurer Goose got rough with Brough too hard too soon, but some of the mud was bound to stick. The fake menu containing lame and aging internet ‘jokes’ about Joolya – which were about as funny as a fire in an orphanage – was - on virtually no evidence - said to have been on the tables at a Brough Brisbane fundraiser a couple of months ago.

Brough had the smarts (this time) to take responsibility for the matter although he insisted he hadn’t seen it on the night. Joe Hockey said the same. Wong led the charge in demanding Brough be disendorsed, (m’dear, you can’t run your own party and you want to give sage advice across the dispatch boxes – get real, as the kiddies say).

But suddenly, she and her chums were put in the bad-look position of all but calling the restaurateur a liar when he admitted the menu was a kitchen in-joke, not seen by any guests, only by staff. He said it was posted on the web by a disgruntled and dismissed employee weeks after the event.

Poor old Labor, so desperate they can’t even get the gifts right.

The ‘Pie would like to point out that the Labor trio’s thinly disguised charges of ‘set-up’ and ‘coercion’ of the restaurateur are nothing more than that rarely seen menu item, tripe.

C’mon, if that menu had actually appeared on the night that more than 100 attended the dinner, do you really think that not one person would’ve immediately given it to the world? If not one of the guests, who could reasonably be thought to be on-side with the coalition, then what about the staff, some who would surely be sympathetic to Labor and/or generally-held sensibilities?

Then the west went weird, with radio coprolite (look it up, look it up) Howard Sattler being a complete tool in asking Joolya if her partner Tim – on the strength of his being a hairdresser, for gawd;s sake – was gay. Under the spurious guise of ‘wanting to put some rumours and myths to rest’, Sadler then asked the Prime Minister of Australia obliquely if she was a lesbian – what he actually asked, which was possibly even more offensive and intrusively unforgiveable, was if she was in a heterosexual relationship with her partner.

The slogan says it all.

Sattler makes Alana Jones look like a shy, retiring tongue-tied novice. Sattler could be at least said to be consistent if he had ever asked  ‘Prime Minister Howard, just wondering, is your missus Janette a lesbian?’ He never did ask that question, and he obviously never asked the old bedroom bandicoot Bob Hawke the same question – one imagines we’d be discussing the late Mr Sattler if he had done. 

Arrgh, Bob, where are ya when we need ya?

While all the frothing and frenzy was swirling across the countryside (more on that in a sec) most would have missed the jug-headed idea to come from a Labor frontbencher yet.

Dr Andrew Leigh, Dip. of Stick

Andrew Leigh, who labours under the twin burdens of being a former Professor of Economics and an idiot (but The 'Pie repeats himself) as well as being touted as a future Labor leader, told The Drum website that he'd like to pull the media into line in no uncertain terms.

‘We’d either like to see a ban of forecasting, or if you are going to engage in punditry then engage in punditry where we can gauge your track record.’ !!!! (The ‘Pie exclaimers).

Talk about a gotcha own goal.

Dr Leigh was apparently disapproving of his own Treasurer. Courtesy of the man called the Rinestone Cowboy, Andrew Bolt, , we learn the following about the Treasurer’s form on the punditry which so concerns Dr Leigh.

The Great Predictor

Wayne Swan, May 2010:

We now expect a surplus in three years, three years ahead of schedule.
Wayne Swan, August 2010:

Well, we’re getting back into surplus in three years. Come hell or high water.
Wayne Swan, April 2011:

We see the surplus in 12-13 as being absolutely fundamental.
Wayne Swan, May 2011:

We’ll be back in the black by 2012/13, as promised.

Wayne Swan, August 2011:

I believe we will attain those forecasts, coming back to surplus in 2012/13.

Wayne Swan, February 2012:

I am determined to produce a surplus in 2012-2013. We have got our colours nailed to the mast.
Wayne Swan, March 2012:

Despite the tough global conditions, we remain determined to return the budget to surplus in 2012/13, and we will get there.
Wayne Swan yesterday:

Wayne Swan has vowed to return the federal budget to surplus within four years, with his government poised to announce further deep cuts to spending.


But then, as recently as January this year, another senior Labor man was gazing into the crystal ball and predicting that a surplus this year ‘was certainly possible’  And our Nostradamus was none other than –ta da – Dr Andrew Leigh.  You can see here why Leigh not only was but still is a boofademic or an acadil , take your choice.

Over in the U S of A, the land of the mis-speak and other niceties for lying, a witness at a congressional hearing into the massive government electronic snooping scandal has attained a place in the history books. Caught out in a blatant lie, this bloke wanted credit for giving ‘the least untruthful answer’ to a question.

It would be a laughing matter but for the fact of who this galah is – no less than the almost correctly named James Clapper, the Director of National Intelligence.  While trying to back-track on his original lying testimony, Clapper said the following:

Top spook James Clapper
- an 'r' instead of an 'l' and you've got it.

‘First-- as I said, I have great respect for Senator Wyden. I thought, though in retrospect, I was asked-- "When are you going to start-- stop beating your wife" kind of question, which is meaning not-- answerable necessarily by a simple yes or no. So I responded in what I thought was the most truthful, or least untruthful manner by saying no.

It’s worth looking at more of this  - see it here – because the brazen lying makes one wonder just what blokes like this believe they can get away with. Alarmingly of late, the answer seems to be anything they like. On top of all that, Clapper is a retired Army general. Yikes!

Now here’s something out of the ordinary; The ‘Pie is going to give Mayor Mullet the benefit of the doubt and admit that, if his maunderings are correct, The ‘Pie will credit her with a truly clever cunning plan.

A casual moment -
Mayor Mullet gives the Astonisher a preview of her special Townsville Cup race day hat.

Friday’s Daily Astonisher carried this story, with ace revealer Anthony Simpleton basing his yarn on a ‘leaked’ copy of the Crocs basketball mob’s business plan.  The plan, a pretty sensitive document at this stage, was given to the council in confidence, so councillors could consider whether it was worth chucking some ratepayers hard-earned at attempts to resurrect the flailing club’s fortunes. The business plan, as required by law, contains some gloomy risk assessment material, which when quoted starkly in the Astonisher, makes it a bad look for ratepayers money to go in that direction.

Now, given Mayor Mullet’s predilection for running council debates in the paper before they sometimes reach the council chamber, it is not unfair to suggest it may have been her who slipped the business plan to her political go-between Simpleton. Mayor Mullet runs this type of ploy to counter the fact that she doesn’t have the numbers in council votes, and can only hope that the Townsville First lot will succumb to public if not political pressure on any given issue.  The Iditor usually honks and squeaks on in her favour. Now politically, that’s not altogether wrong – kinda smart, actually - and knowing what a good run she gets from the paper, the mayor flogs the ploy for all it’s worth.

The only time this gets a bit CMCish is when confidential council documents bob up in Simpo’s breathless ‘revelations’. Townsville First folk were asking some pointed questions about Mayor Mullet’s pre-budget ‘comments’ to the paper. So it is not unreasonable to ask if the business plan came from Her Worship.

Now the question is being asked about the ethics of the leaking of a business plan, since it was given to the council in strict confidence until the directors chuck their begging bowl onto the table and plead for ratepayer support in a week or so. This episode may make other people doing confidential business with the council somewhat nervous.

Those two risk assessment paragraphs are the telling ones. Mayor Mullet must surely know that even some of the public wavering towards generosity will have been given pause reading the following :

'But it also noted several risks to the club's future financial position including the potential breakdown in relationships with sponsors, the cost of hiring a playing venue, the league being financially viable, failing to increase memberships and a lack of community support.

"The Crocodiles however are in the entertainment industry rather than the professional sports industry," the report said. "Any dollar that is spent on entertainment in the region is a dollar not being spent with the club. Therefore, competitors can be seen as the circus, a touring band or concert, restaurant, cinemas and other forms of family entertainment."

So, what a clever Mullet. Here’s how it works. Public sentiment will probably oppose what many would see as throwing good money after bad and will probably let their councillors know. Mayor Mullet can make suitable empty noises about supporting the Crocs, hoping to retain the affection of the faithful, all the while knowing that if the request for help is voted down, Vern Veitch and Townsville First will be subjected to a Text the Iditor barrage as she sits simpering on the sidelines.

Clever stuff – except leaking a potentially damaging document such as this one , given to the council in good faith, could merit closer examination and possible action on behalf of the LGAQ … and maybe even the CMC.

Down on the Coast, as noted in the comments during the week, Typo Gleeson has been tapped to take over the Sunday Mail editorship, with former Townsville hoofer Cath Webber getting her crack at the editor’s chair on the Gold Coast.

One does wonder what is going on with the News Ltd masterplan, given the horrendous 11% fall in the Gold Coast Bulletin’s circulation – the second biggest drop of all Australian regionals – over the past year under Typo.

Maybe there was a bit more of this than just one recent instance –

An aerobics pic for you - bend neck one- two.
Dumped Gold Coast Bulletins.

…. a forlorn pile of unsold and unpacked Gold Coast Bulletins, all copies to be counted as circulation to present to advertisers. Yechnology and time beat The 'Pie on this one.)

Just so we can keep track, note the Sunday Mail’s current circ figures, which stand at 423,488 – a drop of 28,000 or 8% in the previous 12 months - and we’ll watch hopefully for Typo to weave his special brand of illusive magic in his new job.

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs’ Bar, where the old bird will again be-bubble a suitable lass, awaiting the right moment to inquire if a good old tongue lashing is on the menu. Of course, suggested to the wrong Brunhilde, and The Pie could be put completely out of circulation for quite a while.