It is no contest … this week's Chicken Little The Sky Is Falling Award takes pride of place on Townsville Bulletin's crowded awards mantelpiece.

It’s been an all-round hilarious week on several fronts for the Astonisher … The Magpie counts the ways …

… the biggest mystery about a mystery Chinese visitor to Townsville recently is why was it a mystery? …

… Is one of the Townsville Ratba ...  errr ... Ratepayers Association leading lights in for a hiding … perhaps that should be whipping – in court later this month.

And exclusive … the pic the paper missed out on which graphically shows the devastation of Cyclone Dylan …  all that and other odds and sods unearthed during the week here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

A picture is worth a thousand words, and on Friday, the Townsville Bulletin could have run the following pic and then got on with the other news of the day.

Even Bentley was a bit of an old worry-wart, figuring we’d been pretty lucky.

We’ll return to The Astonisher's stellar week soon, but other matters. 

Remember this gormless galoot?

Yes, none other than one of the Lovable Laughables aka the Townsville Ratepayers Association, Daniel Whipps, who mows lawns for a living and is alleged to make threatening phone calls as a side hobby. At least, that’s the charge he’ll be answering when he appears in the Townsville Magistrates Court on Feb 28. The ‘Pie will respect that the matter is before the court and leave it at that for the moment, anyway, the bird has no reliable information as to what it is all about. Our boyo will be quite familiar with the court complex, because he appears to answer a speeding charge there on the Feb 21^st.

Mr Whipps is usually a publicity seeker extrordinaire who one sometimes suspects has a kangaroo loose in the top paddock, but he might not like this glare of the public spotlight. Especially since there is some sort of back story from another court appearance a year or two ago, on an unknown (to The Magpie) matter, when he is reported to have gone slightly bonkers and among other things, allegedly accuse the prosecutor of stealing money from him – while at the bar table!!! Not sure if that bizarre matter is finalized, but hey, you’re a regular reader, Whippsy, send us in the details of the truth of the matter.

Moving on.

The poor old Astonisher – over three days churning out something like 20 over-written pages of speculative shock/horror stories about Dylan, ranging from the informative to the alarmist to just plain dopey and dangerous. They did their best to conflate a king tide with the extremely remote possibility that Cyclone Dylan would have the exquisite timing to arrive in a handy three hour window for the paper's desired maximum disaster outcome. Fair enough to point out the dire consequences if that should happen, but it was dopey, when it didn’t happen, to pose a bloke fishing in ankle deep king-tide street water in front of his house – made him look like a goose. And it was downright irresponsible to pose a 5 year old kid up to his neck in water in Twelfth Avenue … so much for all those ringing editorials about youngsters and water safety. At least next time when some young naïve daredevil gets swept away in a flood drain, they will have picture to illustrate what kids shouldn’t do – not to mention the health hazards.

Yesterday and today, the paper had painted itself into the corner of endlessly rabbiting on about what DIDN’T happen. Or about what DID happen – in Bowen! 

It is rumoured some people in Townsville have heard of Bowen. And vice versa.  

But salty water or no,  there was a distinct piscine odour in the air, laced with an equally distinct whiff of desperation. And why wouldn’t it be a fishy pong, emanating as it is from a mullet and a kipper.

The Pie refers to this curious story The Astonisher ran under the unproven  headline ‘Chinese Trade Visits Paying Handsomely’, which goes on to say no such thing by any measure. Indeed, despite being written by the generally astute Tony Raggatt - who probably didn’t write the headline - the article raises more questions than it gives information.

For instance, the assertion is that because a Chinese businessman who met Hill and Kippin’s during their recent China junket visited Townsville recently proves that the ratepayers thousands that went into the trip has already proved to be worthwhile.

As is so often the case in The Astonisher, the dog whistling subtext was that those mongrel Townsville First councillors have egg on their faces now for questioning the value of that junket. If the Mullet and The Kipper say it was, then it must be so. 

TEL's David Kippin

Albeit that Mr Raggatt reported the unnamed bloke was in Australia to visit his son in Melbourne anyway, an increasingly desperate Kipper was hailing the drop-by as some sort of significant business coup.

"This visit by such an influential investor is a great outcome from the very successful trade mission," Mr Kippin said.

Huh? What utter tosh, and you can almost smell the desperation for relevance – and justification - from this prince of rorters.

But the questions raised by omissions in the article keep coming.

At no stage in the story was this visitor named during his two day stop-over last weekend. Why was that?

Businessmen of any stripe, while perhaps not seeking publicity, rarely if ever ask to remain anonymous if it’s going to spruiked in the media anyway. If this gentleman did, why? If he didn’t, why couldn’t the Mullett or The Kipper proudly - and typically - parade his presence by name. And if he did want to remain anonymous, why didn’t Mr Raggatt follow normal journalistic practice and say so?

Which leads to another question: if these vastly inflated and self-serving claims of worth in the visit are to be believed, why wasn’t the media (or at the very least The Bulletin) alerted to this fabulous, kudos-attracting couple of days. Be great publicity rather than an un-illustrated story three days later. Surely Mayor Mullet and The Kipper – both top shelf publicity hounds - would’ve done a selfie or two which they could slip to the paper on the quiet, or better still, whack it on Facebook (that would ensure the paper got it – that’s where the Astonisher get most of their stories).

If it was all that hush-hush, did it actually take place at all?

Then there is the claim that both the Mullet and the Kipper had ‘in-depth discussions’ with this fella over the weekend (you start to feel sorry for the poor bugger who was no doubt yearning for the 'fasten seatbelt' sign and a double Scotch after a couple of hours with this pair). What could possibly be ‘in-depth’? This is clearly hokum of the first order, and smacks of an inventive ‘what I did on my holidays’ report to class on back-to-skool day.  Seems the mutual back-slapping is a sign of being ultra desperate to justify their Asian jaunt.

While Mr Raggatt clearly pointed out that this bloke – let’s call him Mr Hu Dat Man – was a big noise in the cotton industry back home, what wasn’t said was that the visit  included a look around the Burdekin at possible cotton growing properties, which is likely to be his only interest in this region. 

And good luck with the Greenies, cane farmers and the Government in starting up a large scale water hungry and saline-inducing cotton industry in the Burdekin.

But subsequent investigations by The ‘Pie reveal that  while protocol and politeness are paramount in Asian business culture, the Deputy Mayor Vern Veitch and the Planning and Development Committee chairman Tony Parson – let alone anyone else on the council – were not invited to meet the honored guest. In fact, the Deputy Doo Dah thinks he may have been informed of the visit only after the honored guest had departed. If Hu Dat Man was so important that he  justified the ratepayer-sponsored China junket, surely an reciprocal and inclusive bit of a knees-up would’ve been both polite, prudent and possibly productive.

After all, as the Astonisher keeps lying to us, Townsville First councillors are the divisive element in council, so hasn’t the mayor missed a golden opportunity to show her mature and inclusive leadership?

(Pause, until the tears of mirth are dabbed away … snurffle, ah, sniffle … that’s better).

A small but relevant digression – remember when His Radiance Mayor Tony Mooney refused to represent the Townsville community when John Howard, the leader of our country at the time, came to town to gift us Jezzine Barracks? He snubbed the PM on purely the party-political grounds that it was ‘just going to be a Liberal love-in’.

Seems Mayor Mullet is victim to the same ALP political attitude in this matter, but in reverse,  grabbing the (dubious) glory for herself by excluding others.

Rather than mature inclusive leadership, this honorary editor of the Daily Astonisher seems to take for her role model this lovable character.

Ja'amie, the schemer of Summer heights High.

And just when you were starting to think she’d woken up to herself.

That might be a bit sad, but another person who has hilariously not woken up to himself is council reporter Anthony Templeton aka Simpo Simpleton. He apparently sucks his thumb and has a blub to anyone who will listen about that nasty ol’ Magpie ‘saying fings ‘bout me .. sob’. You sook.

In one of the most bumptious bits of boofheadedness he has yet come up with, Simpo has taken it upon himself to ‘rate’ the performance of all Townsville City councillors in today’s Astonisher. 

And these assessments would indeed be astonishing if they weren't so predictable.

Maaate!! You loftily ignore the glaring fact that these ratings are done by a person who is utterly distrusted - with good reason - by the majority of councillors who won’t take your calls at all or only with special pre-conditions, and believe you are clearly in Mayor Mullet's pocket – so they’ve rated you, old son, and its been like that for a year or more. 

So you expect us to take seriously your assessment of their worth? You're an A grade goof if you do. 

Condescending codswallop that it is, Simpo, you lose any credibility when with your rating of Les Messagebank Walker. Giving away your poorly hidden agendas, you pompously write ‘Clr Walker’s role is to support the mayor and get into the political scraps with the Townsville First majority.’ (!) Funny, The ‘Pie thought they were all independent, including the mayor, working for the good of their constituents, and putting party politics aside. According to earlier statements from you, 'politics' is what those nasty Townsville First lot do. So it’s Messagebank’s job to stir up the paper’s much ballyhooed myth about ‘deep divisions’ in the council, is it? 

Well, thanks, at least now we know.

Still proving he;s Messagebank Walker.

That is as it may be, but there must be some faces purple with rage out Wulguru way when you write

‘He is readily available for residents with concerns.'

You have to be kidding.

Here’s a little history lesson for you, Simpo.

A few years ago, a number of residents in Les’s division were so frustrated with being unable to contact him … ‘leave a message at the tone’ resulted in the most apt nickname of ‘Messagebank’ … that then councillor David Crisafulli was approached by half a dozen disgruntled residents with requests for help in various matters. Crisafulli gained a lot of political brownie points for looking after those matters promptly, but Les wasn’t even shamed into getting off his lazy arse to rectify the situation.

And guess what? He’s still doing it!! Two councillors have received several calls in recent weeks complaining of his non-contactability. And when he accidentally lets one slip through to him, he shuffles it off to someone else to administer the inevitable run-around.

Have a chat around Walker Street and perhaps you might learn about this for yourself, Simpo. Les is the laziest councilor this city has ever seen … his record on various council committees over the years is proof positive that this is the case. Just lately, though, he'd go to the opening of an envelope if there was a photo op in it; it's said he wants to run in the state seat of Burdekin to continue his gravy train journey.

We all know your favourites Simpo, so you and the paper both get a big fat F for this risible effort – F is for Fail …. and also for … umm, ‘cusa me folks … Fuckwit.

A chum sent this into the nest during the week, when a friend sent in a letter for publication in the Astonisher. This was the automated reply.

Chum’s comment was a shame they didn’t apply those rules to their reporters. The Pie reckons some of the total rattbaggery that gets into the letters and texts columns could bear a second look under those rules, but that’s unlikely as long as Ann Attila the Hen Roebuck has a say in the letters published.

Finally, this from a comment posted during the week.

.

'Anatoly, mate, good on yer, cobber.'

Don't be surprised if Bob Katter makes a move to have Charters Towers 'sister-city-up' with the Russian city of Sochi, host the Winter Olympics. Seems the mayor of Sochi, Anatoly Pakhomov, is a Mad Katter soul mate.

Sochi has told the BBC there are no gay people in his city, an identical claim to the one Bob made about North Queensland.

Under closer examination, though, the mayor started to squeak and babble just like Bob, with some wonderful contradictions of which the member for Kennedy would be proud.

Sochi mayor Anatoly Pakhomov
Too cold for a Gaytime.



Asked if gay people had to hide their sexuality in Sochi, he came on all Katteresque by saying ' No, we just say that is none of our business, it's your life. But it's not accepted here in the Caucasus where we live. We do not have them in our city.' Cripes, has old Anatoly been reading the Northern Miner?

When it was pointed out that there were two gay bars in Sochi, was he certain ther was no gaydom lurking about? 

'I am not sure, but I don't bloody know them,' he said. So he stopped short of saying he would walk backwards to Moscow if there were any, just as Bob said he would reverse his way to Canberra if there were any up here in NQ. 

But his boss Russian President Vladimir 'Vlad the Imputer' Putin was in a more - ummm - embracing mood. He has said homosexuals would be welcomed in Sochi for the Olympics, but then revealed his Aussie connection to Senator Corey Bernardi by adding the caution ' just leave the children alone’.

The 'Pie notes that Anatoly's name sounds suspiciously like Pack 'Em Off.