The Townsville Bulletin completely sells out – but not at the newsagency counter.

Yes, without a whimper but the rustle of mega-dollars, The Astonisher surrenders its last vestige of credibility with an Australian first in the newspaper industry.

Indeed, The Magpie goes all Media Watchy, because in the past few days, the Daily Astonisher has been so - well, astonishing, let the old bird count the ways ... 

... and the dangers of zoo poo: the Darwin Awards start rolling in for 2014.

All that and a lot of other trinkets here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Here’s a little newspaper lore. 

It is an unwritten rule but rock solid and well-established practice for almost as long as serious newspapers have been published in Australia that the most valuable real estate under the direction of an editor is pages 1, 2 and 3 of any issue. This is where the solid, important information is supposed to be found on any given day, and sets the general tone of the publication - such as that may be.

Editors have forever been at odds and go to war with bean counters and advertising executives when the back-room boys try to pile in too many ads on those pages. It is accepted that the credibility and gravitas of a paper of record is tied up with these all-important upfront pages.

Certainly, there have been what are called ‘wrap-arounds’ – dummy front and back pages of advertorial or promotional material – but once the wrap-around is removed, you have the paper proper. So it was no small amount of –indeed, astonishment – for The ‘Pie when he started his onerous daily duty of wading through Friday’s edition of the Townsville Bulletin.

The front page was OKish, your stock standard missionary position mix of newspaper fare, albeit with an actual story for a change.

But turn the page and what do we get – this :

That would be page 2 on the left, page 3 on the right.

Page 2 was given over to a full page, paid ad for Coles. And that The Pie believes, and so do many of the disbelieving journo colleagues in Sydney and Melbourne, a first in Australian papers … and one of the biggest sell-outs of a time-honored and  credible tradition in the newsprint industry.

And not a one-off – today, Saturday’s issue had the same arrangement with Coles, an ad that could easily have had the same impact on page 4 or later, given the front page pointer. But the deal was without any doubt a matter of money, with page 2 being sold off for anything up to five or six times the value of any other full page. National companies can afford that, and it seems mighty like a toe in the water.

Editors like Mick Carroll and John Affleck would have gone to the wall over this one, they may well have resigned if they were walked over like this (Typo Gleeson would’ve done what he was told, administering the relevant knob polish and not troubled himself with the scruples of his job).

So the advertising department had to wait for the arrival of Lachlan Heywood before they found someone they could walk right over.

'Page 2 for an ad, no worries, go for it.'
Iditor Lachlan Heywood

They must’ve recognized that Lachy was, in Paul Keating’s immortal phrase, a shiver looking for a spine to run up. He's said to be too nice to be an editor, but The Pie will sit that one out, he's never met the bloke. However, he appears to have been a pushover, and the sad thing is, despite it being a bad look that even the average reader would wince at, it is a precedent. So, with the paper in full 'show us the money' mode, it's surely not the last time we will see this downgrading of Townsville news (such as it is anyway) in favour of a cash windfall. News and community information has been gazumped.

But The ‘Pie isn’t going to suffer a throbbing temple and rampant reflux over this, because it came at the end of a couple of interesting weeks of change at the Townsville Bulletin.

First there was their apparently failed experiment of the Behind The Bully blog, an obvious misadventure which was widely lampooned. It disappeared a few days ago after little more than a week without explanation. Indeed, maybe it was just a staffing problem and may be back, but that seems unlikely, so one would think and hope it has gone to wherever wrong-headed ideas go to die.

But it's timely to shine a little light on how The Astonisher does a nice little job of ignoring its own high faultin’ rules and ‘ethics’.

On Wednesday Feb 12, when Corbymania was slipping into top gear, we were treated to this page 8 story, lame headline and photograph.

And a closer look.

The free plug for Corona would’ve kept those back-room boys happy. But this pic caught the attention of more than one person, and one seasoned journo was so outraged that they thought the Press Council should be notified.

Why? Well, pix of Corby post-prison are, or were at that time, as rare as rocking horse poo, and this certainly is a photo-shopped effort as illustrative ‘colour’. 

So what, you chorus?

Well, just this, not from The ‘Pie, but from that light-hearted, laugh-a-minute thigh-slapper, the News Corp ‘Code of Conduct’

18. Photographic enhancement and manipulation policy

18.1  Images prepared for publication should meet the following guidelines. It is the responsibility of staff to produce true and accurate representations for publication. The credibility of our photographs is all important to the integrity of our newspapers and online sites. Enhancement of photographs is acceptable. However, this should be limited to simple procedures which improve reproduction quality, ie; auto enhancement.

…and then this …

18.2 Colour alteration, over sharpening and image manipulation is prohibited.

 …and then this …

18.5 Any image that has had the subject altered or added to should be clearly acknowledged in the caption as  “Digitally Altered Image ”.

Well, what did we get? This.

Whomsoever Rick Carmichael may be, someone is lying on his behalf. One chum checked around and that image wasn’t used anywhere else that could be found in Oz – in fact, if it was genuine, you can bet it would’ve run everywhere in News Corp papers. On the front.

So this had to be another moulting feather in the rapidly fraying cap of iditor Lachlan Heywood, who would’ve had to have approved it.

Then there is the matter of letters to the iditor. All sorts of wild accusations, unproven and slanderous claims (who do they think they are, The Magpie?) and blatant unfounded politicking, mainly by Labor’s well organized wailing Greek chorus of sore-loser letter writers, get through. One major boo-boo, concerning a prominent local real estate agency, has already been reported here.

Remember seeing this little Astonisher homily sent a letter writer a couple of weeks ago, reminding her that ...

‘Feedback will be rejected if it does not add to the debate, or is a purely personal attack, or is offensive, repetitious, illegal, or meaningless, or contains clear errors of fact.’

So, at random, let’s take Jabberwocky Jacob, wannabee councilor, co-founder of the Lovable Laughables the Townsville Ratbags Association and shallow self-promoter. 

Paul 'Jabberwocky' Jacob

He insists in the paper he has ‘evidence’ of council’s presumably illicit dealings with ‘developers’, but has steadfastly refused to reveal any proof of questionable deals. He has also made unfounded - and in The 'Pie's opinion actionable - claims amounting to criminanlity against Planning Doo Dah Tony Parsnip. He no doubt hopes that he can give everyone a spray under the protection of the an official inquiry for which he is calling. 

Given the tetchy attitude of the investigative spooks in Brisbane, The Jabberer might find himself in hot water for 'vexatious and frivolous claims'.

He, by the way, is the economic and social genius who wrote to the paper a couple days ago suggesting that the Queensland Act of Parliament granting bore water rights in the Black River/Bluewater area to Yabulu Nickel Refinery be repealed, and the refinery be made to pay the Townsville Council for water. Big win for the council, he hee haws. If that was even hinted at in George Street, how long do you reckon before the already flakey Fatty Palmer pulls the plug and 1500 people are out of a job. Thanks Paul, you’re a deep thinking giant among we midgets.

Moving on, but a final matter regarding the paper this week that momentarily alarmed The Pie, but he was mistaken (yes, it happens).

His first glance at this page  …

Given the headline beneath the image and The Pie's faltering eyesight, for heart-stopping moment he thought that the Astonisher  had decided to fight back at the old bird's slings and arrows, and drag out an old file photograph of him from years ago. It taken on an infamous night on the tiles by your correspondent down Flinders Street East.

But no, the subject was sitting up, not lying face down, so it wasn't him. Phew.

Then it occurred that the Astonisher could in fact be raking over old coals regarding anther famous night in Canberra a couple of years ago when newby MP Ewen Jones was noted to be ‘tired and emotional’ in extremis.

But then on closer inspection …

… the headline below belonged to another story and the baby dumbo had taken a tumble in India. No story without the pic, but it’s a beauty.

(PS A couple more reporters’ report cards next week.)

Moving on.

Given it is the by-election time in Queensland today, the following seems appropriate no matter what the outcome.

From the Resaders Digest Gallery.

Funny if it wasn’t so true.

The week’s wet weather put The ‘Pie in mind of this other Readers Digest ‘toon.

And one wonders if some of those making the top ten of the Darwin awards in the past year will end up sending us blurter bolts from on high. 

It would poetic justice if Hans Klunziger, a German zookeeper starts fluffing from fluffy clouds, given the manner of his demise. Seems Hans was being Hans-on, giving a constipated elephant an olive oil enema to clear the blockage. The move was so successful that Hans hadn’t time to get out of the way and copped the full force of an evacuation bigger than Dunkirk, hitting him so hard he fell back, cracking his head. It still isn’t clear if he died of brain injuries or suffocated under the continued rain of zoo poo from the much relieved elephant.

The Pie wonders who and how authorities broke the news to Hans missus - without laughing.

The other award The Pie noted this year was the burglar in America who fell headfirst through the ceiling of the store he was breaking into. He died when the torch he had been carrying in his mouth to keep his hands free shattered the back of skull.

Both a bit hard to explain at the wake.

Finally a chart with mixed messages. First, it is self explanatory BUT is only of relevance to those who have jobs. (Grumpy, you’ll love this one, its from your pals at the right wing think tank IPA.)

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs’ Bar, where the old bird has promised to show an exclusive pic of a aircraft prang involving his former girlfriend (the cruel one who broke his heart). Seems after the break-up, she took flying lessons, but got lost in the recent rain, resulting in a stack-up. Fortunately, the aircraft was carrying very little fuel. So there was no fire, and she just suffered bruising from a small fall.

Here’s a seek preview of what the old bird will be showing his chums.

Scroll down.

 Bit of a new look next week.