Saturday, July 13, 2013

Ever tried to read a broadsheet paper in a crowded train or bus? Not easy, but that will seem like a doddle when you discover what you face in the voting cubicle … you’ll be spoiled for choice in a way you don’t want.


The weird and wonderful world of political hopefuls ... and they're all real and they're registered ....

... PM KRudd still refuses purse his pink lips a la Alana Jones and name the date, ignoring that the delay is playing merry hell with business …

Bad news on that front here in the ‘Ville …

Quotable quotes of the week turn up some absolute pearlers …

… Bentley is hilariously all alather about pregnant woman taking Viagra and possible unforeseen side effects ... 

... it looks like the best ever hilarious TV hoax has been pulled off on US television during the week ... 
...and cover the kiddies eyes, folks, the Cut Snake Party’s campaign poster is enough to scare the bejesus out of you. All here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au


Hey, cop this … with 47 political parties registered and another 17 waiting in the wings for approval, it is projected that this year’s ballot paper will be … wait for it … more than a metre wide! True.

Here’s how Crikey.com’s Sally Whyte reported the emergence of this monster ballot paper:

Voters may be snickering at the 1.02 metre-wide paper -- and the Australian Electoral Commission-issued magnifying sheets to read the six-point type -- but there are serious problems being flagged. The supersized ballot papers may lead to more informal votes, and extra work in counting.

Magnifying sheets? Kerr-ikey.

And we’ll have more choices than a box of Mackintosh’s Quality Street lollies, although that’s as close as the word 'quality' can be associated with this lot, and most of your choices will likewise involve nuts.

But you’d think the Electoral Commission would try to force some amalgamations to avoid the overcrowding.
Corey Bernardi having impure thoughts?
Thinking about pussy perhaps.

If Corey Bernardi was involved, the Animal Justice Party could merge with the Australian Sex Party and the Outdoor Recreation Party.  (Question: does Tom Waterhouse and his mum Gai have anything to do with the Australian Stable Population Party?} The Australian Fishing and Lifestyle Party will probably lose their deposit, being too busy ‘fishing and lifestyling' (nudge nudge wink wink) to turn up on the day.

The award for the best idea would have to be the Voluntary Euthanasia Party, although given the last three years, The ‘Pie more fancies creating an Involuntary Political Euthanasia Party; there’d be a spot there for Joolya. 

The old bird also likes the Future Party, whose slogan no doubt is ‘Ah, well, next time’. Then there is the baffling ‘how can it be a party’ party called the The Australian Independents, which begs the obvious question ‘if you’re an independent, how come you’re in a party?' Anyway, good politically honest slogan would be ‘I’m in it for me, you mugs’.

Then here’s the touch of mystery parties.


For instance, you can cast your ballot for a crowd calling itself The Pirate Party, which seems an honest name for those seeking political power.

Then there's the briefly titled The 23 Million (no idea, them or me)  and a ‘your guess is as good as mine' entry The Coke in the Bubblers Party (don’t even ask). Really,why anyone would want to put a sticky soft drink  in water fountains is beyond The ‘Pie. 

(Hey, don't pssst me, I'm busy writing here ... err, what?  It doesn’t mean that? They what!?! Bullshit - why? So they ... nah, get outta here, I don’t believe it.)

Anyway, in case you think some of those names are made up, here’s the list of the already registered parties, and here is the one of those awaiting the nod.

Political parties of all persuasions are right now busy photoshopping, airbrushing and polidenting candidates posters, to give the voters their best political come hither look. 

Err, well, maybe not all of them. Warning: Parents, this is where you pull your children close and cover their eyes.

The poster below was stuck under windscreen wipers of cars parked around the V8 SuperPests last week.
 
Typically, the world is all black and white to Bob.
And amateurish.

Kinda makes you want to rush out and vote Cut Snake immediately, don’t it? But Bronwyn seems to have the right idea, suggesting that perhaps the best thing to do would be to shoot him.

Onwards.

Quotes of the Week.

'Figjam' Seeney 

‘I work hard, and I’m worth (the pay rise)’  
Deputy Premier Geoff Seeney’s arrogant and ignorant self-praise just 24 hours before an embarrassing back down on the obscenity of Queensland politicians proposed pay rise. And this left-over galumphing galoot from the days of the squattocracy wonders why he’s the most disliked politician in the state. Even his colleagues would like to see the back of him. – and that is a fact.

Well, at least his dignity is intact.

 ‘I don’t want to look like a fool’

Local Government Minister Kid Crisafulli looking like a fool when he allegedly used this as a reason not to take questions on the pay rise. It is alleged The Kid said he would only front the media if they restricted their questions to flood recovery and not ask about the pay rise. Now that’s a bit more than naughty, coming from a former journalist who would've – back then – never have agreed to such a face-saving manipulative dodge by a politician.

For The Pie’s money, this whole thing has the odour of rodent wafting off it. 

It all looked like a carefully timed set up, with Newman sloping off on hols just after the MPs pay freeze was publicly announced as illegal, then letting his deputy make the oh-so-predictable mess of it, and then the Brisbane Bantam returning from holidays to denounce the wicked Anna Bligh and assure people that the rise won’t take place … well, sort of. With a boofademic (or maybe he’s an acadill}appointed to head an 'independent' salaries tribunal for those serving at the George Street trough,  the snurfflers may yet get a 50% to 60% pay rise, who knows? ( That would certainly be possible if JCU's boss Sandra Harding was in charge and used her recent increase into the neighbourhood of three quarters of a mill as a yardstick. 

But pray tell, this wouldn’t have anything to do with countering the Brisbane Bantam's recent dip in the popularity polls would it? Not half it wouldn’t, because a 42% pay rise after sacking 14,000 public servants  - or anytime for that matter – ranks as one of the biggest ‘what were they thinking? moments in Queensland political history.

Other quotes:
‘Never touch the stuff, somebody’s stepped on it’. 

Townsville construction bod John Kennedy’s reason for refusing to drink wine with lunch at the snazzily revamped Townsville Yacht Club.

And the ultimate serendipity of language, which even The Pie thought was a weak joke until he looked it up and now appreciates its brilliance..
He found the perfect word.
SMH journalistPeter Hartcher

‘This is more than a detail. It is central to the Rudd recrudescence. It is the rubric for his new approach to his old job. It is what might be called the ''meta-message'
Peter Hartcher in the SMH Tuesday.

You have to admit that 'recrudescence' sounds like a comic invention, but it's even funnier because it is an obscure but real word so fittingly applied. Here's what the dickshunary says:


recrudesce |ˌrēkroōˈdes|
verb [ intrans. ] formal
break out again; recur.


Thus a forgotten but real word finds its moment in the political sun in the most apt manner.

And some country wisdom on the same subject …

‘Yesterday when we rang …. Joe kindly volunteered his assessment of Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's plea to his colleagues to be "kinder and gentler with each other in the deliberation of this parliament".
"He means you should stun them before sticking the knife into them," Joe quipped’.
Bushie Joe Moore reading the political tealeaves and 'quipping' for the Astonisher’s John Andersen.

And if you want to know where those frequent spelling errors in the Astonisher come from, the answer is right from the top … that is, the real TOP.

'Hmm, wonder if they need anyone in Townsville?'

Australian public now totally disgusted with Labor Party wrecking country with it's sordid intrigues. Now for a quick election.
— Rupert Murdoch (@rupertmurdoch)
As Crikey reports: ‘Tut tut, Rupert. There is a major problem with this tweet. You would think the world's most powerful media mogul, who commands newspapers across the globe, would know how to use "it's". Fail.’

But he’d get a job at The Astonisher any day.

And silliest joke to land in the inbox this week was from a pilot chum. He says following the crash landing of the Asiana airline flight in LA after clipping a seawall at the end of the runway, the names of the crew have just been released.
Capt. Sum Ting Wong

Vice Capt. Wi Tu Lo

F.O.  Ho Lee Fuk

S.O.  Bang Ding Ow


The flying fraternity has always had a questionable line in drollery, but as the pilots’ axiom has it, it is always fun until someone gets hurt. And boy, has someone got hurt. It turns out that those comic names are involved in one of the best television hoaxes ever pulled off.  The word is that someone from a rival TV outlet wormed their way into the production system of this US regional channel, and the newsreader blithely went ahead with this report. A short time later, when the penny dropped, there was this attempt at a facesaver.  Presumably, the news producer who put the late report to air was a new Asian recruit to the channel and was a relative of one of the crew, Wot Dey Fook.

Bentley has had his mind somewhat below … or maybe just above … the belt this week, bemused by the possible unintended side effects of Viagra on pregnant women. The boffins have come up with the idea that blood flow to the womb could be increased if expectant mothers take the traditional little blue pill, which has long been used to stimulate growth, but not of this kind.

This treatment they hope, could prevent many premature and underweight bubs being born.

But Bentley is a worried man, concerned about the Law of Unintended Consequences.


Maybe doctors won’t be holding newborn baby blokes up by the feet any more for that first smack. Ah, science.

Speaking of pricks, KRudd’s creeping jesus delivery of new ALP leadership rules showed in a way what is really wrong with the system.  His reforms for leadership knife fights in the ALP are OK as far as they go, but they just don’t go far enough – they should apply to all parties when in power, and should become law. If a party in power is for whatever reason fed up with its leader, an election should be called and we, the great unwashed, be allowed to decide just who we want to lead Australia. C’mon Wingnut, you’d be in that wouldn’t you, Malcolm’s still standing in the shadows, tapping his foot and cracking his knuckles.

On to local stuff, grim though it be.

Whispers around town suggest that the long wait for an election is having a bad effect on businesses, as it is around the country. Folks are squirrelling their money away and not spending. This has caused a few unhappy outcomes. The Pie hears that when Myers opened here, they signed up 280 staff, but only gave them six month contracts. The unconfirmed word this week is that the store has now refused to renew 160 of those contracts, putting much of their staff on a week-to-week basis. Or out of work. And The Pie hears that a high profile winer bar/eatery on Flinders Street has turned up its toes in the past week, but no names since that is also unconfirmed. (Hey, Raggers, give the old bird a ring and he'll tell you all about it heh, heh, heh).

The Pie is also looking into the details of some solid information out of Ayr, where the Burdekin Shire Council is taking legal advice about the wisdom of suing Murdoch’s Ayr Advocate for libel. 


PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS JUST ILLUSTRATIVE AND THE COMMENTS
BELOW DO NOT RELATE IN ANY WAY TO THIS STORY OR THE PERSON IN THE PHOTOGRAPH.

It’s apparently a long-running saga, with overtones of extracurricular canoodling, involvement of animals (that is the registration thereof, not the Corey Bernardi-feared canoodling variety) and other personal relationships affecting outcomes. You will know the details as soon as The Pie does, but it’s bound to be juicy if it ever gets to court.

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs’ Bar, where the old bird will seek members for his Let’s Party Party perchance to morph into The Slumber (Afterwards) Party.

REMINDER:

T'S EASY - FIND YOUR VOICE AND A NAME

FOR THOSE WISHING TO MAKE A COMMENT, HERE IS THE PROCEDURE.

1. Click into the comment box at the bottom of the blog (and below existing comments if any) and write your comment.

2. Click on the menu button next to The Daily Astonisher field below the comment box.

3. Scroll down that menu until you reach 'name' and 'URL'.

4. In the 'name' section type your name or whatever monicker you want to go by (IGNORE the URL box).

5. Click continue.

6. Click publish.

The 'Pie will then do the rest - checking for legals, taste, language, idiocy - and then publish your gem.

ANONYMOUS IS SOOOOO BORING.
    


29 comments:

  1. A silly TV anchor actually repoerted the Sum ting Wong stuff

    ReplyDelete
  2. A US tv news crew took that pilot name email a bit serious..

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIOiVHnM9Jc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

    ReplyDelete
  3. Honky?? As in Text the Iditor Honky? As in the Honky that thinks Stalin, Mao and Dear Leader are right wing nut jobs? As in that complete moron? There goes the neighbourhood...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No mate, not me. rarely read the paper, let alone those stupid texts.

      Delete
    2. Grumpy, you are very witty.

      Delete
    3. I did not think that fool would be game to show his face here...

      Apologies

      Delete
  4. I notice a small snippert in the T/B 13 July " MPs to enjoy Flight Perks" Jet Setting State Govt Ministers have been given the all clear to use frequent-flyer points accured on Taxpayer -Funded travel for Private Holidays. Previously any loyalty benefits from air travel have had to be used to off set the cost of other Goverment trips !! but this has been found to be ineffective . Dept of Premier and Cabinet Director-General Jon Grayson said the changes would apply to MP's ,ministers,and public- sector employees. In the case of Govt Ministers outside of Brisbane these accured points would be quite substanial for themselves and i would presume that their familys would be able to utilise them also.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Regarding all of these wannabees and the current batch of incumbent clowns is best summed by "Anyone who aspires to become a politician, by that very aspiration disqualifies himself" and also

    “He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.”

    ReplyDelete
  6. Regarding the right word or phrase for a situation, Shari Tagliabue wrote a pretty good column about politicians travel rorts in the weekend Astonisher, but sadly managed to use exactly the wrong term for this practice when she wrote

    'We, the people, are funding this rort, and although there are moves to gradually phase out this extreme form of pork-barrelling, it won't be soon enough to stop this blatant example of the abuse of taxpayer funds'.

    Pork barrelling actually means precisely the opposite 'the use of government funds for projects designed to please voters or legislators and win votes'.

    But know what she means and agree 110%.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Yep I wondered about her understanding of Engrish! Pity she did not mention Prince Peter, the former Laird of Herbert and his junket before he "retired". It struck me as strange it wasn't in her piece since it was only a few years ago and caused such an outcry - selective memory or political leanings perhaps? These trips are legislated pollie entitlements but so morally wrong! But hell politics and morals aren't bed mates are they?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Always good and entertaining. Pie.
    Miss Lou.

    Place your bets. A boy or a girl?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Either way, Miss Lou, The 'Pie is inclined towards the view of Scottish MP Willie hamilton who rose in the House some years ago to offer congratulates on the most recent Royal whelping with the words 'I'm sure we all welcome this latest blood-sucking burden on the public purse'.

      Poor little bugger though ... looks like he won't be getting that knitted kangaroo unless KRudd puts down the knifes and picks up the needles.

      Delete
  9. Speaking of Rupert M, did we watch media watch last week on the conversation? A must watch.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Today's Astonisher website is so bland both visually and in content.

    Most of the content appears to be from a different state. Nice to see tantrum crying shooter Megsie back after the birth of a child.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Well, looks like the Sunday Mail is to rise from $2.00 to $2.50, cheaper than a cup of coffee, Typo tells us. But once Typo is finished with the paper, will it be worth it or will a cuppa be the better option. I reckon a cuppa would be the safest bet

    ReplyDelete
  12. You're paying for his betting payrise. He loves the dogs.

    Let's face it, his wife is or used to work for Labor. You can't tell me there's influence?

    ReplyDelete
  13. The SM paper is good for cleaning windows.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Remember, Typo will try and sabotage Clive Palmer's campaign as he's a die hard labor supporter.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Like Micheal Shrek (I've worked for No News for 25 yrs) Typo is the same, unable to have a empathy for his staff and is lazy arse.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Poor little Kevvy Kardashian! He looks like Harry Potter gone to seed but Magic has obviously slipped from his grasp. He can't even explain why the taxpayers of Australia have to pay $58 Billion over the next few years for the " Non delivery of an invisible substance to no one" to quote Tony WingNut.
    He had to leave the explanation to Penny "The Knife" Wong with her hands still bearing that "damn'd spot' of her sister Julia's blood!
    Can he feel the chill between his shoulder blades as he awaits the day when she next beholds that Dagger?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Parson BlossomnoseJuly 16, 2013 at 7:36 AM

    Memo Astonisher:

    Re front page 'SEAVIEW CARNAGE.

    From the dictionary -

    carnage |ˈkärnij|
    noun
    the killing of a large number of people.
    ORIGIN early 17th cent.: from French, from Italian carnaggio, from medieval Latin carnaticum, from Latin caro, carn- ‘flesh.’

    Please stop it, you chuckleheads!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Pie, could the photo of the kid Crisafulli be changed to Money instead of spaghetti. That will have the true meaning of greed and politicians

    ReplyDelete
  19. Know and agree on the symbolism you're after Woodduck, but bit unfair on The Kid ... yes, The Pie used to know him personally and can say he would be the first to defuse this Bligh left-over timebomb. That said, if anyone deserved any more bucks (no one does though) Crisafulli's would be up there with a work ethic of 4-4.30am starts, late finishes, regular gym work and runs to stay so effectively on top of his job - a regime which he started on council and continues to this day. He would be way more deserving that gurgling, arrogant galoot Seeney.

    Despite the comments in the blog - published because The Kid should've known better - The Pie recognises that DC found himself between a rock - outraged consitituents - and a hard place - loyalty to the party line of the moment. He's too smart of a pollie to do a Bill Shorten and say he doesn't know what his leader will say next, but he'll agree with him, so he made opted to duck questions rather than give the usual non-answers.

    In context, just one of the very few 'missteps' he's made during these early stages of his climb towards the premiership in years to come.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have to agree - all three local members have been an improvement on the previous ALP trio of twonks. Perhaps if, as a community, we backed them and disregarded the comments of the useless alternative's 'propogandists' we could improve the lot of Townsville residents and become 'Townsvillians' again.

      Delete
    2. To The Elephant. How right you are, comments like yours will not see the light of day on this blog unless you are able (unlikely) and willing (ha!) to, for instance, offer some sort of proof - time, date, location - of any such lunch or lunches and offer some sort of arguments about politicians performances rather than a vague unfocussed spittle-spray of yesterday's loser-slogans.

      And re those mythical lunches ... so what if they did take place?

      And how wrong you are - The Magpie doesn't have any 'mates' - pah, the very idea, you pachyderm poltroon. Gad, sir!!

      Delete
    3. Ex health workerJuly 20, 2013 at 1:23 PM

      Rather disappointed in the comments from TD. I have lived in Townsville for 28 years now and have seen many different MP's, both state and federal. Pie, you mentioned DC's starting times and how hard he works. I don't think it matters who it is or how hard they work. If they are not working to full potential of the position they hold or work in then they are not are not right for the position. Past MP's, from both sides have had their ups and downs but in my time here in Townsville I don't think I have seen a group of MP's that have upset the wider community as much as the three current sitting state members. It's not anything they have particularly done themselves either. It's what they haven't done that is of most concern. Out of the three I think Cox has preformed the best, but that's just me. Crisafulli being a minister and all should have had guts to confront the media on the pay rise issue but decided not to. It's something he will be remembered for, or maybe not. The one thing I will remember them for is when I contacted Crisafulli and Hathaway's office for a meeting pending the job cuts I never even received a response. As I mentioned, they can work as hard as they like but if it's not in the best of their community then what good are they?

      Delete
  20. ALERT ALERT ALERT - SERIOUS NOTIFICATION

    WATCH OUT FOR THIS ONE

    Received this a few minutes ago - checked with the ATO who knew instantly what I was talking about and confirmed it is a scam. Probably triggered by the time of year, and by someone who doesn't understand that the ATO doesn't alert anyone to money they owe to you! Especially not to credit cards.

    This is a notice that a recent attemp to refund a payment to the credit card you have on file with Australian Taxation Office has failed.

    Invoice Date: 18/07/2013

    Invoice #: 7280926

    Amount: $978.28 AUD

    Status: Unpaid/Pending

    Please log in to your Client Area at Tax Refund E-Portal to receive the refund manually. During the payment process you will be given the opportunity to update the credit card that is on record.

    Note: This email will serve as an official receipt for this payment.




    Australian Taxation Office for the Commonwealth of Australia

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hi Pie. Great read as usual. I really hope the boats stop. Rudd is our saviour.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Randwick ; Race 8 Sat 20 jul # 11 Whitlam By Elusive Quality from Weaver of Words.

    ReplyDelete