A shambolic week, from the PNG Solution (Gawd, if PNG is the solution, what could’ve possibly been the problem?) to discovering why an infuriated Townsville RSL ripped down Townsville Bulletin advertising at it's big race day at Cluden.

A Mooney-era chicken comes homes to roost, a chicken so big it would keep KFC supplied for a year, but the ratepayer’s won’t be laughing when they hear the details ….

… and neither were ratepayers in Port Melbourne, footing a $9000 bill for dog biscuits …

… also, Bob Katter’s hilarious ‘mind map’ for a new NQ state …

Plus a local magistrate reflects community sentiment in our fine array of Quotes of the Week, which also includes one of the funniest radio slip-ups in years - and Bentley reports on Masterchef PNG-style, all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Tony and Kevvy on the campaign trail this week.

The floundering around on both sides of politics has taken up much of the week … well, bloody all of it, actually. The merits or the lack thereof of borders and boats policies have been bandied about with gay abandon (are we allowed to say that these days?).

Just one small sobering note. The Indonesians were upset they weren’t consulted by Kevvy about the PNG idea, because if it works and stops boat people heading south, they are moaning they will be stuck with 10,000+ refugees. That for The ‘Pie is a clear admissions that these double-dealers are aiding, abetting and turning a blind eye to the southern illegal migration. Exporting their problem in fact ... just like KRudd wants to do in PNG.

The Indonesians also say they won’t accept boats turned back by the Australian navy because they are no longer anything to do with them once they reach international waters. Really? They are Indonesian boats, crewed by Indonesians and emanate from Indonesian ports. They are your responsibility start to finish, you twisting little hypocrites.

But the concerns of the citizens were the delight of cyber space.

Bentley has gone all culinary for his take on the one of the PNG refugee outcomes.

And alas poor Mustapha.

And when and if settlement takes place, how long will it be before the new arrivals start demanding a change to the currency, certainly to the 20 kina note.

 

This is obviously PNG's special banknote for pork barrelling.

And then we received a sneak preview of a delighted PNG Immigration Minister arriving on Manus Island for some one-on-ones with newly arrived future citizens.

 

Actually, he may be from Horn Island.

Nostaligia for better times past were never far away. At least one movie could be revived as topical.

 

"Rammed another one, skipper!'

But within the political maelstrom here in Australia, The ‘Pie was most taken with a political billboard advertisement which appears to be in either the Philippines, Malaysia or Indonesia, which would be refreshing if adopted locally.

 

Wonder if got elected?

This is in direct contrast to Bob Katter's latest missive from Wonderland. The 'Pie at first thought it was a joke - and of course it is, but the Cut Snake is serious about it.

This is Bob's grand vision for a new state of North Queensland, with such advanced features of the location of a new purpose-built capital (just east of Charters Towers) and connected to Townsville by a six-lane 125kph super highway. A croc and an emu the likely animals for the shield, and Bob cheerfully allows that he won't be the premier but he'll be around to lend a hand - and then some. 

The blokes in the white coats and armed with butterfly nets can't be too far away, given Bob's final quote 'Whether I am or whether I'm not (premier), I can assure you, I'll be running the show.'  Memo Mrs Katter: The 'Pie recommends only plastic cutlery for Bob from now on.

Now to other Quotes of the Week.

'We've tickled all the boxes'

A hurried Senator Sue Boyce on ABC radio, scrambling to make her point before being cut off by the hourly news bulletin. The Magpie was tickled pink.

‘Where's the extra punishment for this (if it runs at the same time)? The sentence should be cumulative on the indecent treatment charges.’

Magistrate Peter Smid taking a refreshing view - rare in the judicial world - that concurrent sentences (serving sentences for different offences at the same time) are no sentences at all. The offender in this case was a child molester serving nine months jail, and the extra charges of assaulting police and breaching probation arose when gatecrashing a party while out on early release. He’ll now serve an extra six months for his violence.

'It’s just one of those things that happens now and then in an ever-changing economy'.

Economist and NY Times socialist columnist Paul Krugman's shoulder-shrugging assessment of Detroit's billion-dollar bankruptcy.

'Pollie Wants Crackers'

A clever Astonisher headline (well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day) on Senator Macca Macdonald's weird call for the re-introduction of 'cracker night' - an unexpected notion not judged to be a cracker of an idea by critics of the call.

But The Astonisher wasn’t so clever last Thursday with a lazy and sloppy piece of malarkey that has the local RSL incandescent with fury. When Jupiters ended their sponsorship deal with the local race club, the RSL decided to pick up this year's naming rights for one of Townsville’s most popular sporting dates, the ‘marquee’ event of the Winter Racing Carnival, the Townsville Cup, run at Cluden today. It has become the RSL Townsville Cup.

Last Thursday, there was a good little yarn covering the barrier draw BUT then someone dozed off and this was published ….

The RSL had paid tens of thousands of dollars to support the event and garner good publicity for the club, that’s the way these things are meant to work. So no wonder they were less than amused ....

... and a bit closer ...

The paper doesn’t give a continental about pissing off its shrinking audience of readers, but it is almost a capital crime with News Ltd to get advertisers off side. And RSL members who contacted The ‘Pie were generous in their wide range of language while issuing their character readings of whomsoever was responsible. With the sort of money they'd ponied up, the RSL brass were in no mood for honeyed words once the error was had been made. So maybe you didn't notice, but the usual Townsville Bulletin red and white logo was not to be seen in its traditional position on the winning post at Cluden ... the RSL had it removed. 

While in this inevitable neck of the woods, one would be excused for thinking that some staff have been affected by paint fumes in the Astonisher’s brand new offices on Flinders Street West known aka FSW (could stand for F#cking Silly Writing). This story from today’s (Saturday’s) paper started out:

‘Works will commence on Monday to upgrade the old four-lane Barnicle Street boat ramp in Railway Estate.

Townsville City Council is managing the upgrade with contractors CivilPlus Constructions Pty Ltd on behalf of the Department of Transport and Main Roads.

The $530,000 project will include reconstruction of one half of the ramp, an extension of the other side to lowest astronomical tide (LAT) level, as well as patching of the shoulder embankments.

Infrastructure Committee chairman Cr Trevor Roberts said the ramp would be unavailable during the works.

“The old boat ramp will close from Monday for approximately six weeks while the works are undertaken,” Cr Roberts said.’

And so on for several more pars. Straightforward, tightly written, grammar and spelling fine … in fact, it was that lack of the usual twaddle made the old bird suspicious. So a brief troll around turned up this presser from the Townsville Council, which, as you will see, began thus:

‘Works will commence on Monday to upgrade the old four-lane Barnicle Street boat ramp in Railway Estate.

Townsville City Council is managing the upgrade with contractors CivilPlus Constructions Pty Ltd on behalf of the Department of Transport and Main Roads.

The $530,000 project will include reconstruction of one half of the ramp, an extension of the other side to lowest astronomical tide (LAT) level, as well as patching of the shoulder embankments.

Infrastructure Committee chairman Cr Trevor Roberts said the ramp would be unavailable during the works.

“The old boat ramp will close from Monday for approximately six weeks while the works are undertaken,” Cr Roberts said.’

And so on ....

Lazy and one of journalism’s seven deadly sins (or used to be) ‘Thou shalt always rewrite press releases and seek fresh angles, background and information - but, verily, if a release is printed verbatim, NEVER claim a re-printed work as your own - there should be no byline'.

So here’s the strangest part.

You may have noticed that this weighty yarn required two reporters, including our old mate Anthony Simpleton, (never heard of the other bloke, possibly a work experience kid … yup, even they get bylines in this paper). Nothing unusual in that, shared stories are a standard practice when merited.

But one falls into deep contemplation when you realize your two bucks has bought you, word for word, a Townsville City Council press release, which makes up 80% of the story. If you consider that another 15% was the result of a quick troll through archives for a couple sentences of background, our two news hounds managed to produce one or two far-from-riveting original quotes from Clr Roberts, no doubt over the phone.

If only you could write like that, Simpo, but well done anyway, no one will know, you ace revealer you, you must be exausted. A Walkley can’t be far away.

On council matters, here’s another heads-up for you Astonisher types (good to see you caught up with the Vine 21 story, folks, albeit three weeks after The ‘Pie put you on to it).

The ghost of Mooneys Past have started to re-visiting the current council. This week, they’ve voted for an absolutely necessary $8million upgrade to sub-standard pipes out at the Cleveland Bay poo ponds, aka treatment works. It transpires that this work is necessary because the initial work was not done properly. If The ‘Pie recalls correctly, Tony' His Radiance' Mooney was erratically presiding over the dying days of his empire and descending into his own demented world at this time. In an attempt to garner votes for the up-coming amalgamation election,  he pulled a substantial amount of money from the now faulty project for some other feel-good vote catching (possibly to boost his disastrous budget bottom line). The work now has to be done because the fumes are more than unpleasant – it’s feared chemical reactions will produce deadly gases.

That’s as bad as it is, but The ‘Pie reckons this could just be the tip of the iceberg, there’s worse to come, a problem possibly so big only the state government will be able to write the cheque for a greater overhaul – or change its environmental laws. That is merely speculation, but let's see how close the old bird is.

In the meantime, someone might like to ask Mayor Mullet and Messagebank Walker why back then, as a couple of Mooney’s Mousketeers they voted for such a ticking time bomb of pulling money from a vital infrastructure project. Just askin’, ya know (chew, twirl hair). One for you, Simpo heh heh heh.

Our deputy doo-dah, Vern Veitch, is an avid dog lover, as are many ratepayers around this burg. But one doubts that even he would go as far as our old chums down at the Port Phillip Council in Melbourne. This is the crowd that brought you the ‘smile police’ we discussed in a recent blog. They also printed a political booklet aimed at six-year-olds which was in reality dog-whistling dogma for adults. Now they’ve outdone themselves, recently passing a motion to allocate $10,000 for dog biscuits! Don’t believe it? Read it here.

They certainly do things different in the Sin City of the South, and if you think things couldn’t get worse than giving ratepayers’ readies for Rover to have a snack, try this. 

Yarraville Centre - sponsored by Centrelink.

Over at Yarraville, newly arrived migrants taking federal government-sponsored English lessons don't get ordinary text books, they have been given admiring and uncritical life stories of Kevin Rudd and … give us a bloody break  … the Greens Christine Milne. The course notes read like party puffs for the respective party leaders, without a single blemish. Some top-notch investigative snooping by the Quadrant outfit resulted in the story.

Some think this may explain why the electorate covering this area of Melbourne, home to many African and Vietnamese newcomers, is one of the safest Labor seats in Victoria.

Finally, in a thinly disguised pander to the base animal appetites of blokes, we last week gave you the Aston Martin ad featuring one of the longest pair of shapely legs seen for many a misty-eyed year. So as a square up this week, here's a larf for the gals, featuring the perennial dilemma faced by men ... the gulf between perception and reality.

And with that, it is away to Poseurs" Bar, to see what comes up or more likely, what's going down around the place.