Rupert said to be lurking around the 'Ville today, not sure, couldn't hack his phone - and Britney Spears - pirate slayer.

Last week, The 'Pie quoted the old saw 'Everybody brings a little joy in other people's lives, some by arriving, others by leaving.' So you'll never guess who else is back in town, and just when you were starting to believe it was safe to buy the paper again.

The Astonisher reveals its secret recipe CBD success, and ladies, a graphic demonstration of what happens if you overdo the botox.

All that, plus Bentley here in this week's nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au 

First, the Quote of the Week, which could be the quote of the year, comes from truly weird news report you may noticed during the week.

Tanker captains travelling through the pirate infested areas near Somalia have found a foolproof way to repel would-be hijackers. The ‘Pie didn’t believe this story at first but since it has been picked by reputable outlets, one supposes it is true.

'They're doing WHAT with my songs?'

The ships blast out at high volume music by Britney Spears, when they spot any naughtiness on the horizon. Apparently these pirates are Muslim, who hate anything western and particularly women and music, and they piss off quick smart when they get a few bars of  ‘Oops, I Did It Again’ and ‘Baby One More Time’. A few experiments showed that Britney was the best choice. You can read one of the versions of the story here, and a crew member said they point the powerful speakers away from the ship itself ‘so as not to disturb the crew’- in itself worthy of quote of the week status. 

But the quote of the Week/Year came from one laconic skipper.

‘I imagine using Justin Bieber would be against the Geneva Convention.’

'So that's what being impeded is like?'

The other quote of the week came from Jolly Joe Hockey, after he had been blocked by demonstrators when visiting the Victorian Parliament. Shrugging it off, he told reporters ‘They just impeded my passage.’ 
Now that would be a protest - try getting that image out of your head. Anyway, makes a change from the foot-in-mouth passage so many politicians (read Clive Palmer) manage to self-impede.

Another quote, in the form a merry jest, came The ‘Pie’s way the other day, and very timely, too

Research has uncovered the alarming fact that fully 25% of Australian politicians are being treated for mental illness. The shocking news is that that means 75% of them are going around untreated.

Newman and Bleijie would certainly qualify, with their unbending idiocy of wrecking basic tenets of democracy, and taking Queensland back to the Joh days. Bentley is unimpressed in this Melbourne Cup week, and wonders if the Queensland judiciary is headed for Newman's Knackery.

Other matters.

So, with Rupert Murdoch reportedly gracing the ‘Ville with his presence today (Sat), that might put a few of us in a mind to check out the developments in the London phone hacking scandal court case.

Well, good luck with that if you’re scanning the hybrid Astonisher/Curious Snail website. Not a dicky bird about the story that just about everybody else has been hammering the bejesus out of. The joke used to be ‘Limited News’ but with the change over to News Corp, one supposes it is now …..,

But instead of anything on phone hacking, with that particular talent of News Corp for the lying insult, the Courier Mail served up this warmed over load masturbatory self-adoration about their in-house awards, attended by the Great Man, with the delusional and dismissive opening line

'THE country's brightest media talent gathered at Brisbane's City Hall to celebrate the excellence and creativity of News Corporation's journalism.’

Well, they’re right about creativity bit, but perhaps not the way they mean it. And doesn’t say much for all those Walkley award winners from Fairfax, APN, ABC et al. And as Nana used to say, self praise is no recommendation.

But you can always depend on the Astonisher’s editorial for a laugh over breakfast, and this week they served up a real corn flakes-sprayer. 

On Thursday, an Astonisher editorial waxed lyrical about the rejuvenation of the Townsville’s CBD, which included this mysterious conclusion …

'Couple that with the opening of a Pie Face franchise and the city is motoring along at a rate we haven't seen since they reopened the mall to traffic.’

So pies are now proof positive of progress. But the twaddle didn't stop there.
 

'The success of events like the Townsville Fashion Festival parade held along Flinders St on the weekend prove we have what it takes to transition from country town to thriving city.'

And after that condcending pat on the head, and after telling us the CBD had a ‘terrific future ahead’ which is undoubtedly the best place for futures to be, there was this nice little cherry in the form of one of the tirest old clichés with …

'A superstadium and department store would be the perfect additions to the CBD landscape and would cement Townsville as a city which had truly come of age.’

Smarm at its best.

While we’re on matters Astonisher - and smarm - the town was plunged into alarm and despondency when Anthony ‘Simpleton’ Templeton safely returned from a holiday annoying the Ethiopians. Apparently his annoyance level in Ethiopia was not sufficient to prompt Addis Ababa to do any favours for Townsville, and he was allowed to leave the country and come back.

The Ethiopians demanded a ransom or they'd give him back.
Unwisely, we didn't pay, and here he is ... back here.

And while that silly editorial was upbeat and cheerful (if a little starry-eyed), Simpleton wasted no time in getting back to his stock-in-trade negative news. 

On Wednesday,  the council released the results of a survey that showed that 92.5% of the 1000 people surveyed were happy with the council’s performance. Simpo could hardly ignore this, but then drew back the longest of bows when he pounced on this statistic: 14% of people were unhappy about ‘council in-fighting’.  Umm, guess that would mean …err, let’s see … 86% thought it was a non-issue. This half-arsed attempt at divisive reporting conveniently ignored the fact that it is Simpleton, acting as the mayor’s personal PR and his paper who have fabricated this negative scenario, which nowadays, is even denied by Jenny Hill. 

In the paper, this happy snap was photoshopped with a rip down the middle.
Pathetic.

But never fu#k up a story with facts, so on Friday, replete with a photoshopped torn photograph, Simpo alighted on the thinnest story he has ever managed to invent. A minor matter regarding the length of council committee meetings suddenly became the issue du jour. It originated with some publicity-seeking puffery from Messagebank Walker, who also has Simpos ear.

Those cheery sentiments in that editorial will always be suspect as long as The Astonisher unquestionably continues to print this pap.  

Just while we’re with the council, independent councillor Pat Ernst is mightily miffed at both the Astonisher and the letter writer and political sideline waffler John Nankervis. 

Clr Pat Ernst

The Magpie asked Clr Ernst  about a claim in an obviously unchecked Letter to the Editor, claiming the councillor received campaign money from one or more developers. That’s not true, Clr Ernst told The ‘Pie, only two personal friends, local business people and not developers had chucked in for him. “A phone call like yours to check it out would have been easy, and failing that, a look at the ECQ website,’ he said. Clr Ernst was the only real independent to run for council, so the issue is important to him. The Bulletin used to check things like this but now, close enough is good enough, apparently. Great for a paper of record (ha!).

A beaut little book came The ‘Pie’s way this week, from his pommy mate Nick in the Old Dart. 

Written by journo Robert Hutton, ‘Romps, Tots and Boffins: the strange language of news’ takes us through the meanings of what is now known as ‘journalese’. And it is side-splitting for one particular reason – it is all true. Hutton’s wry, dry commentary and translation of certain universal newspaper techniques just adds another delightful dimension. The premise is that short words, particularly in headlines, are the preferred method of dispensing information – and always has been. Space demands it. But things have become a bit twisted along the way.The results can be hilarious when we find out what some words and phrases really mean. Three examples as a sampler:

Guru – we are using this word only because ‘charlatan’ is too long to fit into a headline.’

‘Little Jack: this enables readers to distinguish between this six-year-old and other, larger six-year-olds who have jobs and mortgages.’

And a good one for The Astonisher, which specialises in mawkish recreational grief about brave (or last week ‘heroic’, for God’s sake) six-week-old babies  ….

‘loved one: the good news is that if we have referred to you this way, you’re unlikely to be in a condition to care about it.’

The book has just been released Britain, but keep an eye out for it – definitely one for you, Conan – Grumpy - Bully Boy, MK, all of you, in fact.

This week’s blog is being written by an ailing Magpie, who has a nasty bit of ‘flu, so apologies if this next has already been posted, the old bird can’t recall. But it doesn’t really matter, it is a beaut for the gals – especially if you over-indulge in botox.

And that said, The ‘Pie will eschew his usual trundle along to Poseurs’ Bar – the only thing he could raise right now is a wan smile. What? No he meant he couldn't raise a glass, you grubs.

 
 

australias-top-media-talent/story-fnihsrf2-1226751621666