Saturday, September 3, 2011

Typo buggers off - at last. Is Jenny Hill thinking of quitting Labor and other bizarre scrabbling behind the political skirting boards and Nanny State buffoonery in pommyland.

So the mail last week was right, Typo has confirmed he is heading back to the Gold Coast to take up the job as editor of the Gold Coast Bulletin from whence he came into our unsuspecting midst three or so years ago.

In other drivel this week, we look at:

whether Jenny Hill is serious about leaving Labor if she doesn't get to head a Labor council ticket;
other jostling in the mayoral race - it could end up a Melbourne Cup field;
that meat-headed Beattie beat-up about a possible foray into federal politics
Julia Gillard's accidental honesty;
and the Poms get this week's medal for Nanny State nonsense - not once but three times! It's all here in this week's nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au .
First, allow the old bird to laud Julia Gillard for a rare moment of honesty and humour, two characteristics many of The 'Pie's pommy mates say are extremely rare in the Welsh.

When confronted with questions about the possibility of Peter Dentures Beattie heading to Canberra to challenge her (more on that tripe in a moment), she delivered one of the most humorously ambiguous position statements of her brief stewardship.

Sounding like an undertaker in a stalled hearse, the PM intoned 'I'm not going anywhere,' during an interview ABC Radio in Brisbane. Quite so, dear, and neither is the country.
As the reporter pondered that one, no doubt suppressing a genteel guffaw, the PM droned on about 'vision', 'prosperity' and the inevitable 'moving forward' before modestly declaring she was the "best person" to be prime minister.
The 'Pie will pause briefly here as you recover composure and wipe the tears of mirth from your eyes. Even Bob Katter could do a better job. When a Labor powerbroker like Graham Richardson publicly says you're buggered, that's the political equivalent of the Grim Reaper knocking on The Lodge door. 
The best response The Magpie can think of to all that is the fond farewell from reporter Nick Bryant, the BBC's man Down Under, giving advice to his successor.
'Don't judge Australia by its politics. It is a far more clever, sassy and consequential nation than that.' He wasn't talking about Gillard's statement above, but he might as well have been. And he could easily have added to 'politics' 'its papers'.
Which brings us back to Typo, his carpetbag packed and ready for departure back south. He made it official on Tuesday, at a  - presumably - teary newsroom staff meeting, where there was - presumably - much wailing, rending of garments and cries of 'Don't go, say it ain't so' when he said that alas, he had to go, to take up his new position on October 5. Whether the many glistening eyes reflected relief or despair The Magpie knows not, but could take a guess. But won't.  
So far, no mention of who his successor might be.
But one could be excused for thinking that Typo has already started directing risible spin into the news columns of the Gold Coast Bulletin, unable to wait to officially start wreaking havoc with his own whimsical world view. 

The Gold Coast paper's hilarious beat-up on Thursday about Peter Beattie doing a Campbell Newman and leading the Federal Parliamentary Party even before being elected to a federal seat has Typo's inky thumbprint all over it. Really, that's a reasonable assumption given our loveable lad's dismal track record of running the Townsville Bulletin into the ground with this sort of twaddle. 

Another Typo fingerprint on this fatheaded fairytale yarn was that the source for columnist Peter Cameron (a long-time Typo mate) was 'an unnamed Labor insider'. Oh, purleese, take your hand off it, Camo, even the desperate state Labor pollies were embarrased to even comment on the such obvious unalloyed bovine waste. 

Geez, just what we need to run the country: a failed premier who did the deal to make himself - on political retirement - the mega-remunerated LA poolside lounge lizard supposedly bringing largesse of US west coast business to the state that he completely rogered before foisting Premier Blight onto us.    

Before we leave the Astonisher's situation, here's a memo to News Ltd supremo John Hartigan: after reading your paean of praise for Typo and his 'brilliant' performance at the helm of the sinking Townsville flagship - every word so modestly ordered into the paper by the editor - The Magpie has but a single question. 

Harto, you on drugs, mate? 

Maybe a hooter full of Peruvian marching powder, the modern metrosexual's sniff of choice? Or maybe just a smidgin of angel dust, so vast was the extent of the hallucination? The view from Toad Hall in Holt Street, Sydney, apparently improves with distance, and Harto was in danger of running out of superlatives.

In an obvious refutation, it would be so easy to rake over the coals of Typo's  handful of deliberate lies in front page headlines, the altering of reporters' copy - as in facts -,  suppression of legitimate news stories ordered by general manager Shrek Wilkins for commercial (ie profit)  reasons, and the blatant political spin inserted into the news columns. But no need, all that's already recorded in gory - and yes, possibly boring - detail in previous blogs. 

On the local political scene, there is much scurrying about as candidates jostle for for a place on the ratepayer-fuelled gravy train.

The Magpie will have much to say on this front in the coming weeks and months, but here's a scene setter for the time being.


There's been the startling news down the MagpieFone involving old Magpie mate Jenny Hill. It is reported The Moaning Mullet is so determined to have another quixotic tilt at the mayoral windmill that she has vowed to put together her own team and run, whether anointed by Labor or not! A go-it-alone ticket would automatically have her turfed out of the party, which seems a bit of stretch. Local Labor is yet to decide if they'll field a team at all, so maybe this is just all blather to sort out the back room boys. 

Then there's ex-walloper Dale Last, who, among other things, is a bit of Typo lookalike. Clr Last has barely managed to hide his naked ambition for the top job, and has been busy trying to line up his support team amongst current Councillors apparently with mixed success. The Magpie will attempt a roll call of sorts in a future  blog. 

Others have questioned Dale's depth of political experience, his interesting confession of not understanding financial matters, and what is reported to be his over-bearing, Mooney-like manner with council staff - they ain't happy, so they tell The 'Pie.

But talk is cheap, and The Magpie knows nout of former Senior Sergeant Last, who is also said to be actively recruiting potential team members outside current office holders. One potential political pal is ... golly, really ... another high profile and popular walloper out Kirwan way, Senior Sergeant Gary Eddiehausen. The Magpie understands he's been approached by Clr Last but although the word is he will man up for the election, it's not known for certain at this time. Care to enlighten us, Gazza?

The third situation is the search for a suitable candidate by the business community. They wanted Dave Kippin, but he - perhaps wisely - decided to sidestep the political circus. TEL chairman John Bearne has said a definite no (at least to The Magpie, anyway), so who is there who would give the business community's interests high priority? Those of any calibre are too busy in their counting houses to bother with something like the mayoralty, but The 'Pie must say that Mayor Lancini has a certain ring to it. Don't think Lozza too interested, though. Not at all, actually. 

There will inevitably be more on this subject - red herrings and all - in coming columns.

Finally, shares in cottonwool manufacturers continue to soar as the Nanny State wraps more and more people in the stuff with ludicrous rulings. Well, the boo-hoo brigade has really gone bananas in the Old Dart.

Remember the idiotic edict of a Townsville school banning kids doing cartwheels for fear of injury. Well, a Pommy school has gone one better, telling their kiddiewink charges that sack and three-legged races are outlawed because the poor widdle snots might get hurty-hurty. At the same time, a council in the north of England has banned flying kites on beaches for fear of accidents, despite not a single incident in 60 years of the time-honoured pastime. And that home of wussy Poms, Wimbledon, closed off a grassed area where people sat and watched the action on a big screen ... because the grass was wet, which made it slippery, which could cause people to slip over, which could lead to them getting hurty-hurty, which could lead to their going to courty-courty for extra pocket money. 

If wet grass is a dangerous no-go zone, all of Britain will be at a standstill for roughly 11 months every year.

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs' Bar to be-bubble a suitable companion to whom The 'Pie will fly his own kite about races in the sack - accidents guaranteed not to happen.

5 comments:

  1. Conan the GrammarianSeptember 3, 2011 at 4:17 PM

    It's depressing at every level, local, State & Federal, looking at the (alleged) political talent. An entire class of people with all the focus of a kelpie in a ball-cage.

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  2. Thank goodness the Bully is about to be Typo free at last!

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  3. Anonymous, save your thanks until we meet the new editor ...

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  4. Deidre - hope you're not suggesting we are getting Typo's brother Plago! THAT WOULD BE TOO MUCH!

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  5. The accountant member of the water watch pensioners better check in for a refresher course.Accounting 101: you can't call borrowing income and deficit is very different from debt!

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