Those damn numbers just keep coming: buttock puckering time for two big North Queensland sliders whose fortunes continue to fade.

The final count shows The Mad Katter looks to have used up eight of the feline’s allotted nine lives – he’s squeaked home in Kennnedy, possibly for the last time.

And the Townsville Bulletin remains in the death roll, joyfully being again chomped by those nasty people at circulation.

But that hasn’t stopped the Astonisher again resorting to sneer and smear with a snide little story of which they, and reporter Daniel Bateman should put up o shut - except to apologise.

And in among the other bibs and bobs is a shaggy dog story about a dwarf with a lisp that you’ll be telling all your friends, all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Language Watch, Dept of: apparently, kick backs, bribes, baksheesh, greasing the palm …. all those unsavory things are restricted to the lower forms of operators in countries that are rife with graft and corruption.

But such activity is not for upstanding Aussie businessmen, no siree Bob.

It emerges that our officials and executives, accused of such activities, are mightily miffed at the idea, explaining that what they did was make ‘facilitation payments’.  Which one then supposes will leave them to consider that they may face the possibility of a stretch of ‘involuntary deprivation of sexual preference’, an experience they will share with their 'involuntary confined space co-habitator' an obese bald person with tattoos named Bubba.

Weirdest Headline of the Week goes to our own Astonisher for this headscratcher ...

... which was somewhat loopy even for the sports pages. 

Several callers, laboring under misapprehension that The Magpie ‘knows these thing’ rang to ask what it was on about. The story was about Wayne Bennett not coming north to coach the Cowboys. After deep contemplation, The 'Pie's best guess is that the headline writer is a Seinfeld fan, and the piss-poor photo shopping of Wayne Bennett in a chef’s outfit refers to the (apparently famous) Soup Nazi episode in Seinfeld, where a dictatorial soup shop operator runs a tight ship, and any customer  who transgresses is told ‘no soup for you’. But we all knew that, didn't we?

Torturous, really and doesn't make sense.

By contrast have a look at how it can be done. Cover of the week goes to this effort by Time, for it's elegantly eloquent take on the US fiscal shutdown. 

When it came to the Quote of the Week, it was no contest, this lady was the winner hands down.

Qld Nurses Union secretary Beth Mohle.

"Unfortunately, the Health and Hospital Services are being run by people who know the cost of everything but have no idea of the value of anything."

Queensland Nurses Union secretary Beth Mohle , commenting on the fact that more than 1100 nursing and midwifery positions had been axed by the Queensland Government. She was echoing Oscar Wilde’s famous definition of a cynic, a person who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Ms Mohle was speaking after the Townsville Hospital’s annual report was tabled in state parliament.

This highly selective confection contained a lot of honeyed words, self-praise, rationalisation and nary a hint of the devastation wrought by the wholesale sackings (mostly of the wrong people) in one of a community’s most basic organisations, our health services.

 

Hospital Board Chairman John Bearne

And now imported CEO Julia Squire and Hospital Board chairman John Bearne are about to start ripping off pensioners, hobbling sick people and those who need to make multiple visits to the hospital for vital treatment, by introducing car parking fees. No thought of validating car parking, where patients are given a slip which excuses them from this totally unwarranted and cynical cash grab? Maybe just pensioners?

Even more galling is that it is not as though we are being offered some new you-beaut parking facility to justify this impudent impost. The car park remains completely unchanged, a asphalted paddock with no sun cover. Exactly the same except for the inward and outward boom gates, which will shortly require $5 to open. The ‘they’re all doing it’ mantra that other hospitals charge for car parking ignores the fact that those hospitals are well serviced by public transport, and are not out in the boondocks where a cab ride would be well beyond the reach of the sort of people who require and have the right to public medicine.

Which brings us to the other side of the coin in the Tale of The Chairman, His Squeeze and the Daily Astonisher.

 

The Astonisher's happy snap, which helped put in the boot. 

Last Tuesday, reporter Daniel ‘Master’ Bateman ran this snide and heavily loaded story. The guts of it was that Chairman John’s partner, Michelle Warrington, was the successful candidate for a $120K a year job in the hospital’s finance department.

The opening paragraph set the cowardly tone for this bit of snide wink-wink-nudge-nudge innuendo

'A SIX-FIGURE accounting position, created at Townsville Hospital when more than 200 health workers were sacked, was filled by the hospital board chairman's partner.'

What, pray tell, is the relevance of the 200 sacked health workers in this context – except to obviously poke a stick into the hornet’s nest of ignorant, conspiracy-obsessed readership. The phrase ‘false syllogism’ comes to mind – when two true premises are used to reach an incorrect conclusion (‘All penguins are swimmers – swimmers compete in the Olympics – penguins swim in the Olympics'.)

Here, we have the unworthy, and totally unsupported conclusion that: John Bearne is the Townsville Hospital Board chairman  -  his fiancée is selected for a well paid job in the hospital finance section – John Bearne has somehow engineered this cushy result, despite being instrumental in sacking 200 staff.

After the innuendo has been made front and centre, Master Bateman quotes Bearne’s clear statement that he in no way could have influenced the selection panel’s decision. It is well known that Ms Warrington was working in the hospital finance section well before he became board chairman. What Master Bateman does not say – and it would seem to be relevant – is that, according to a Magpie source Ms Warrington is an experienced finance professional who holds both a BA with honours and a Masters Degree in commerce and accounting (or such related fields) and is said to seeking a PhD. 

So here we have the paper of record slipping in emotive, irrelevant insinuations that have no basis in fact … or if it does, Bateman’s keeping it to himself. Pretty neat effort though, smearing in one fell swoop, Bearne, Ms Warrington, and perhaps most importantly, the selection panel who interviewed all 13 candidates for the position. A smear without a skerrick of evidence.

Astonisher hack Daniel 'Master' Bateman.

Here’s a question, Daniel – what official measure would you seek to have in place to curtail a person’s deserved career advancement because of a personal relationship that has no bearing on that advancement (and therefore is no business of yours or the publics)? Your editorial manager will read any reply with nervous interest.

It is well known that The Magpie has questioned John Bearne’s performance in past posts he has held where public funds are involved, and The 'Pie will continue to do so. But his personal life where his public position is not involved will continue to be no one’s business but his own.

Anyway, the good news for Chairman John and his squeeze is bad news for the Bulletin … the downward spiral continues apace, so fewer people than ever have seen that poisonous little bit of bullsh#t.

Here are the gory circulation details for April/June quarter this year.

This from a comment The 'Pie posted during the week.

Cripes!!

The numerical horror story continues for the Townsville Bulletin, with the latest quarterly circulation figures causing further buttock-clenching down at the Astonisher.

The latest Audit Bureau of Circulation figures for April-June were down 8.3% on the same period last year, shrinking from 24,594 readers each weekday then to 22,551 now. 
And Saturday's flagship is in even worse strife, steaming speedily towards the readership reef with an 8.9% drop in circulation, down from 38,323 in 2012 to 34,898 now. This in a circulation area of roughly 250,000 - good work you guys.


And the carnage on the Coast is even worse.

The Gold Coast Bulletin is down 14.7% on weekday averages (36,378 down to 31,017) and Saturday in a train wreck, shedding a massive 16.6% (dropping from 54,206 to 45,182). Circulation region roughly 600,000.

But even the Big Boys are getting sloppier. Sydney’s execrable Daily Telegraph (circ down more than 11% in the last quarter) appears to be sub-edited in New Zuland by people with less interest in accurate geography than even people in NSW.

Today, the Terror Graph mystified a lot of readers with this front page, confusing the Sunshine Coast with the Gold Coast …

They meant Gold Coast.

Ironic that the paper that loves rabbiting on about terrorists is written and subbed by ‘errorists’.

And on that subject of bikies, resident doodler Bentley believes that the government is convinced that all the unpleasant publicity and tough (albeit unworkable and challengeable) laws will bring about a change of heart to the two wheeled toughs.

From Wild Bunch to Mild Bunch.

From wild to mild could be said of Cut Snake Party founder The Mad Katter. It looks like this term will be a final hurrah from this thought-disordered noisy underachiever.

On Monday, the official announcement of a return to parliament for the member for Kennedy, and that must be the first time since he was first elected that Bob has had to wait more than a couple of hours after polls closed to know his normally runaway result.

Pipped at the post; the LNP's Noeline Ikin.

So we now have the situation where Noeline Ikin is clearly the first preference choice, ahead on primaries by almost 10,000 votes following a massive 17.35% swing against the incumbent. But because Katter’s Cut Snake Party did preference deals with Labors, the Greens and the Palmer Canine Party (PUP geddit), he is returned for another term of getting nothing done for his electorate.  Ikin would've been in the government ranks. Funnily enough, it was probably those deals that prompted the wholesale flight of primary votes in the first place.

Enough seriousness.

And if you thought we have the prospect of some weird, kangaroo poo chuckers and rev heads representing us in parliament, at least we haven’t got a professional wrestler, like Germany now has. 

Well, Australia does have Bronwyn Bishop.

We think he’s the one on the left … but not sure. Incidentally interesting to note that the Greens in Germany, a power for so long, went down faster than the squatter’s daughter at the Shearers’ Ball. One of their policies in particular was not to the taste of Der Elektorate – the Greens proposed a law that the country have a dedicated vegetarian day – each week.

And while we’re overseas,  fast living Norwegians have come up with the ultimate reality TV show … an five hour knitting marathon - live, so anything could happen. Should get Ray Hadley in to call it ...' She's going to drop a stitch ... OH NO, she's pearled one and DROPPED TWO ... she'll need to hold her nerve if she's to hold out the fast finishing Brunhilde, this is knitting at it's finest'. But what The Pie liked best when he spotted this site was the side story headline Reseachers Say LSD Is Good For You. Don’t know about good for you, but would seem somewhat necessary if you’re watching Norwegian telly.

Finally, that promised (threatened) shaggy dog story, which please do not read if a: you are a dwarf and/or b: you have a lisp.

A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.



His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'



'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'



So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.


'A female horth.'



So he shows him a prized filly.



'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'


So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.


'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'


So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.



'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'


The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.


'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'


Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.



The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 



'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

Enough now, it is away to Poeurs' Bar, where the old bird will start making some facilitation payments of his own, in the fervent hope of closing a deal, and that no one finds out.