That was the year that was – test your news knowledge with this special Magpie Mindbender Quiz about the biggies of 2013.

The ‘Pie also reports on a looming legal kick in the nuts for slovenly editorial management at – where else? – the Townsville Bulletin, which could cost them a pretty penny …

As we emerge from the silly season, we look at a couple of the silliest yarns you may have (mercifully) missed in the past few weeks …

… and not all the trash talking in cricket is out on the pitch; language is a minefield of exploding metaphors and limping language in the commentary box, too.

All here, along with the party trick of the season, in the first nest for 2014 at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Don’t be surprised if the Townsville Bulletin is the subject of censure early in this new year by the Press Council, which now requires offending newspapers to publish its findings on complaints. And although we’ll probably never know for sure, it looks like the paper will have to raid the defamation cookie jar for a tidy little payout settlement.

In an astounding piece of irresponsibility and/or sheer bloody ignorance, the Bulletin has not only allowed an anonymous letter writer to make unproven and damaging allegations against a high profile Townsville real estate agency, it printed a follow-up letter taking the allegations further. That the allegations were in on-line letters (the second was also printed in the paper itself) is no shield for the Bulletin, they are liable as the publisher if any ‘injurious falsehood’ has been committed – which there can be little doubt has happened.

Here’s what unfolded.

Being the season when real stories of any substance are as rare as rocking horse poop, new chum reporter Harry Brumpton did a yarn about Bowen Road motel owners having a bitch about unit owners renting out their properties on short term leases, but not being subject to the substantial rates and water charges motel have to cough up. Nothing wrong with the story (apart from as usual being pretty boring).

The trouble came when this letter was published online in response to it. The ‘Pie has redacted (that’s the smartarse word for ‘blacked out') the name, figuring enough damage has been done and the old bird would be committing the same sin as the paper if he didn’t). And the spelling and grammatical mistakes are the writer's, not The 'Pie's, who did a cut and paste - this is exactly how it was published.

Unit owner of Townsville

POSTED AT 9:54 AM DECEMBER 30, 2013

There are a lot of facets to this story. One in particular that concerns me is the way some Townsville Property Management Agents, such as XXXXX conduct their business, supposedly on behave of their apartment owning clients. These agents have tied up the furnished apartment corprate & holiday letting market in this city and are a magor culprit of the problems out lined in this story by under cutting short to mid-term letting rates , whilst over charging and short changing their clients, and providing a lack lustre service at the same time. The rates they charge for a 2 & 3 bedroom apartment aren't much more then what these struggling motel operators have to charge for a outdated pokey studio room. The inhygenic job done by their "cleaners" is apalling, as is that of their appointed property management staff. As far as I'm concerned, there is no lower form of professional lifeform then a Townsville Corporate & Short Term Property Manager.

Phew, The ‘Pie reckons the injurious falsehood couldn’t be much clearer, although grammatically somewhat obscure, hinting at the foam-flecked, wild-eyed mien of the anonymous writer.

But lo and behold, this second letter reinforcing the unproven and damaging spray against the company and its staff was printed less than three hours later, and subsequently appeared in the print edition the next day.

Zeb

POSTED AT 12:47 PM DECEMBER 30, 2013

I'd go so far as to say there's no lower form of life than these so called 'Property Management Professionals' in Townsville full stop! Arrogance, intimidation, bullying and dishonesty towards clients and even neighboring properties seems to be the hallmark of their so called 'profession'! What is it exactly is it in their job that goes to their head and gives them such an overinflated ego? Car salesman, furniture salesman etc don't call themselves professionals simply because the flog stuff, neither should house sellers/property managers!

If you bump into Zeb, make sure he isn’t standing near the knife drawer.

The principal of the business concerned is shattered and furious at these wild claims, especially on two grounds – the letter's attack on the company’s staff (who are mostly female), and the fact that the company has spent several million dollars in recent years with the Bulletin as one of the more prominent advertisers in the property guide. The principal is also often the go-to industry person for reporters seeking comment on property stories. If there was any wrongdoing, fair enough, doesn't matter about the commercial relationship, but this was no such report, just an anonymous spray.

The ‘Pie rang the principal, who offered a polite but firm ‘no comment’ but when asked how the staff felt about the attack, there was a one-word reply – ‘distraught’.

But being the beaked stickybeak that he is, The ‘Pie rang a friend in the know, and it seems the principal has already consulted both a lawyer and a barrister.

Stayed tuned.

Now to the Astonisher’s less harmful brand of idiocy. 

Just as the silly season is winding down, and the perennial beat-ups are becoming a receding memory, we suddenly find we are in the Season of the Long Bow, otherwise known as the Daily Astonisher’s annual Survey of the North.

As you will remember from past years, this piece of annual hokum is the paper’s lame attempt to manufacture news stories from ersatz findings from the few people who bother to fill out and return the survey forms. It is an open invitation to anyone with a particular hobbyhorse to buy up a few dozen papers, and return the completed ‘survey’ multiple times, knowing the paper will make false claims on behalf of the silent majority.

So brace yourself for more of this self-important fuckwittery like Friday’s 2+2=222 conclusion about the whole community’s attitude towards the possibility of a five storey limit for buildings on The Strand (the ‘high rise’ issue).

As one Magpie reader, Klee of Kelso put it:

‘The Astonisher’s long anticipated day by day “revealing” of big stories emanating from the “survey” completed by 1123 people has arrived.

The opening sentence sets the scene for long days of increasingly sub-standard journalism.

TOWNSVILLE residents want building heights on The Strand to stay at three storeys instead of rising to five as proposed by new draft planning laws.

Errrrrrrrrrrr, 495 out of 1123 out of 180,000??????

What sort of dills or idiots do they keep on thinking we are???’

Well, Klee, the sort of dills who will be astounded to know that based on highly questionable maths, a majority of locals will shop ‘locally’ in the coming year. Crikey, really, presumably because the Lear jet is in for a service and the landing fees in Paris are getting a bit steep; coupled with that, we learn today that the Bulletin’s mirth-inducing idea of a thumping majority wants better service from counter johnnies, waitresses and other assorted step’n’fetchits. Out of 1130 people 487 rated Townsville service as ‘average’ … only 183 said it was ‘poor’. In all likelihood, the paper saw ‘average’ in its current informal derogatory usage, rather than ‘having qualities that are seen as typical of a particular person or thing’. 

There are more than 250,000 people in the Astonisher’s circulation area.

Well, in the famous Aussie foreplay phrase, ‘Brace yerself, Beryl’, you can expect a lot more laughs where those came from.

The matter most pressing to Bentley this week is the controversial culling of sharks. What they do to people isn’t pretty, but the water is their domain, they don’t wander down Via Vomitorium chomping on people (too much competition from violent drunks). But maybe sharks see the animal rights support for them in a different light.

Now we’ve got all that out of the way, let The ‘Pie present you with a holiday quiz, to see if you were paying attention over the past year. See how many you can get right.

During the year, Clive Palmer said he had  seen evidence of them on at least one occasion, and he was positive they existed. Was he referring to:

1.         Dishonest electoral officers

2.         CIA agents behind the counter at his local Maccas

3.         Extraterrestrials

4.         His feet.

New House of Reps speaker, the veteran MP Bronwyn Bishop stumbled and fell while being ceremoniously ‘dragged’ to the Speaker’s Chair. After the fall, it was found she had broken:

1.         Her ankle

2.         Her hair

3.         Wind

4.         The scrotum of the ALP MP who tripped her.

On becoming Labor leader, Bill Shorten vowed that he would not:

1.         Try to jump Tanya Plibersek

2.         Or his secretary (again)

3.         Or the Parliamentary tea lady

4.         Or (maybe) his mother-in-law.

When Kevin Rudd resigned from parliament, he said he would now:

1.         get a fair suck of the saveloy

2.         that he … oh, who cares.

Three people said they would miss Kevin Rudd in public life. They were:

(The answer to this question is still being researched.)

On the local scene, David Kippin, when asked what Townsville Enterprise actually does, replied:

1.         Can’t tell you, it’s commercial in confidence

2.         Get knotted.

3.         Dunno but the pay is extra grouse.

4.         Do!?! … you mean, we’re meant to do something?

Townsville Deputy Doo Dah Vern Uncle Fester Veitch was asked which Elvis song best described Mayor Mullet. He chose:

1.         Devil in Disguise?

2.         Suspicious Minds?

3.         Wooden Heart?

4.         All Shook Up?
5.  All of the above?

Ace ‘revealer’ at The Astonisher, council reporter and Mayor Mullet’s PR boy wonder, Anthony Simpo Templeton was asked the same question. Did he choose:

1.         Just Let Me Be Your Teddy Bear?

2.         Love Me Tender?

3.         Always On My Mind?

4.         Burning Love?
5.   All of the above?

During the year, party animal David Moyle joined:

1.         The Victorian Shooters Party

2.         The Motorists Party

3.         The Persistent Pests Party

4.         Lots of paperclips together.

Use this format to send in your own questions.

Finally, it wouldn’t be this balmy time of year if we didn’t talk about the thwack of leather on willow – now, now, Colin ‘Sweethearts’ Edwards, don’t get excited, we’re not talking about a night out catering to those with niche naughtiness interests – no, The ‘Pie speaks of our glorious cricket season and has a listen to our less-than-glorious cricket commentators. 

By its very stop-start nature, cricket commentating has always been a challenge of calling the action between lengthy spells of re-calling past actions.

Over the years, The Magpie has collected some of the more memorable moments, both here and abroad. 

The legendary 'Johnners': Brian  Johnston

Atop the pile of deliberate verbal pile-ups is the late Brian ‘Johnners’ Johnston, with his long awaited moment when England’s Peter Willey was at the crease facing West Indian Michael Holding. ‘The bowler’s Holding the batsman’s Willey’. Johnners is also the author of The ‘Pie’s favorite word picture, but we’ll save that to last.

Danger loomed this season with Joe Root arriving with the Poms for the Ashes, and one must admit it has been admirable restraint from the tabloids not to go down the ‘ROOTED’ headline path.

Bill Lawry

The Aussie champion ‘gaffer’ is undoubtedly Bill Lawry, who once had Gower 'elevated down the batting order’ and over in the West Indies, raised a mental health scare for the locals by announcing that ‘Clive Lloyd is talking to his slippers’, no doubt much to the chagrin of Clive’s jealous jimjams. Bill, well known as a pigeon fancier, had a rather neat flight of fancy himself in a later match when he exclaimed ‘..he’s hit that a mile in the air, and that’s no exaggeration’. 

Bill’s deliberate yukyukkery was evident even in this series. When an England fielder missed an easy catch, Bill opined ‘ fair dinkum, he couldn’t catch a cold in the middle of winter’. Tres droll, what.

Even the great Richie Benaud had his mystifying moments. In 1981, Richie had one player ‘brought in to stand in the corner of the circle’. 

Max ‘Tangles’ Walker didn’t get his nickname just for his unusual delivery style on the field. Behind the mike, he had one bloke ‘holding his hands cupped upwardly down’. The late Norman May also had a physically challenging moment when he described how a fielder had taken a spectacular catch. “He was running away from the ball and just caught up with it.’ Perfectly clear to Stephen Hawkins, one supposes.

Ian Chappell once delivered the sage advice to the young and the developmentally delayed viewers 'to make sure you get the ball first before you throw it’.

When Alan 'Capt Grumpy' Border got a thunderbolt delivery in the nether region, he bravely returned to the crease as the commentator intoned ‘facing up again with only one ball to go’.

In fact, much of the boofy commentary concerns that part of the anatomy that Americans might describe as Jimmy and the twins.

When Keith Stackpole was out LBW to a magnificent delivery, an unnamed commentator enthused ‘By gee, that was plumb, I bet most of you fellows at home have your fingers up right now’.

But the two best in this vein go to Johnners, who had Neil Harvey fielding expectantly ‘standing with his legs apart, waiting for a tickle’.

But Johnners will never be topped in the deliberate naughtiness department when he opined that ‘this field reminds of my favorite little dog, three short legs and balls that swing both ways’.

Got any of these? Send ‘em in. Will do a general round-up sporting goof-ups later.

And rounding out, know anyone who can do this bar trick? 

  

   She wouldn't make much of an impression at Poseurs' ... Deidre McFondle does it with an empty beer keg.