Saturday, August 27, 2011

Has Townsville finally lost Typo? And Cuddlepie's demented dance; has he lost the plot completely?

Yup, if the tsunami of calls on the MagpieFone are to be believed, it looks like The Magpie was on the money - only a month or so late  - it now seems certain that it's ta-ta to Typo.  

The breathless word down the telephonic communicator is that our fabulating friend is heading south, and with so many dogs barking, there's got to be a bone in there somewhere.

Also this week, the continuation of the sad spectacle of a once cluey (well, kinda) man, one Cuddlepie Wallace, sinking further into his personal gathering darkness. And adding bruises to boofheadedness, no one has told Cuddlepie that not only should he not sing in parliament  but that he can't sing - anywhere. Make you're own call.

Another question this week; has anyone around here heard of an English mayor Peter Davies? All local mayoral candidates should bone up on him. They can do so here, it's all in the nest at
It looks like the cheering in Townsville may well be the jeering on the Gold Coast. Finally it is being bruited about that Typo is about to depart, to back to from whence he came, to inflict his own personal brand of FAB - Fair And Balanced, or is that Facts Are Banned -  journalism on the leathery-skinned and dessicated denizens of Australia's premier drug strip.

The Gold Coast paper is mired in its own set of different troubles, and late in the week its editor upped and left, with no word whether he jumped or was pushed. And now, The 'Pie is told - and he takes a liberty with  Willie Shakespeare - 'somethng comical their way comes'. 

No word on a likely replacement, but let's hope it is an experienced editorial hand who brooks no management manipulation of the news columns. Because we've still got Toad Hall's personal northern representative and hatchet man, GM Michael 'Shrek' Wiikins, to keep an eye on. And it will be a sad day when he departs, because that will only happen after he completes his mission to sack the paper's 20 or so sub-editors, giving their jobs to a southern sub-hub sweat shop in Brisbane.

Typo's departure is bad news for local Labor, but nothing next to the horror week it has enjoyed at state and federal levels. But hey, there's surely an upside to the Craig Thomson mess. As a Magpie chum suggested, at least he's demonstrated that there is one Labor member who can organise a root in a brothel. Then it was revealed Thommo is from Nuw Zuland, so The 'Pie reckons some of the credit card dough went on a subscription to the Kiwi's favourite magazine Playsheep.

The interesting aspect is that if the Mother Meerkat's ability to govern - if that's the word - wasn't on such a knife-edge, and she had a comfortable majority, Craig Thomson would've been unceremoniously dumped long ago, with all the sanctimonious taking of the high moral ground so sorely missing right now.

In Brisbane, things sank further into the morass with Cuddlepie Wallace's toe-curlingly embarrassing song and dance routine which even had those of his own party averting their eyes and squirming in their seats. The Minister for Mean Roads was asked a question about plans for the Bruce Highway upgrade and he - not unexpectedly - resorted to the usual tactic of not giving an answer but instead attacking an opposition which hasn't been in power for nigh on 20 years.

In a Katteresque performance, Cuddlepie offered up his version of musical entertainment. It was the lowlight of an ABC TV news report on the woes of Premier Blight's stumbling regime. Look for yourself here.

But that was just a brief glimpse of Cuddlepie the Clown's theatricals, as an excerpt from Hansard shows.

'Mr WALLACE: Like a barramundi to a big poddy mullet in the water. When I was a kid growing up in Home Hill, I went to St Colman’s School. We learned a little dance called the hokey-pokey. Going by his performance on the Bruce, I reckon Campbell Newman also must have learned it when he went to school down in Tasmania. It goes a bit like this—
You put your Bruce plan in, 
you take your Bruce plan out. 
You put your toll tags in 
and you shake them all about. 
They go beeping, beeping and they turn around.
 And that’s what it’s all about.
That is Campbell Newman’s plan to toll the Bruce. We on this side of the House will not stand for it.
This Campbell Newman needs to tell the people of Townsville his secret plan for the Bruce Highway. He says that he has already written the policy. He needs to tell the people of Cairns what his policy is. Do not tell them after the election. Release this secret policy now. Labor has a policy for the Bruce. This Campbell Newman has nothing except a toll for the people of regional Queensland.'

Minister Wallace was then made to withdraw the last remarks, essentially admitting he knew that the LNP has no plans to put a toll on the Bruce Highway. Perhaps he should have apologised to Home Hill and his old school, too.

With this sort of Z-grade buffoonery, it appears that Cuddlepie doesn't realise that he is not only insulting the people who elected him to look after their interests, but also all Queenslanders who have to tolerate him and his behaviour as the minister in a vital portfolio.

Then Tourism minister Jan Jarratt added her bit of deep intellegtual analysis to current matters when she claimed without explanation that a carbon tax would not affect the tourism industry, despite Labor's own commissioned reports begging to differ - big time. Then on radio later in the week, commenting on the failed multi-million dollar Airlie Beach development, she said she didn't think any other businesses would go under because 'the economy has turned the corner'. One would have to believe that it is Labor which has turned the corner, straight into the path of a barrelling roadtrain called the state election.

Maybe that Townsville mother who made her little snot of a kid parade publicly with a 'I am a thief' sign around his neck while wearing Shrek ears (kind of Mr Wilkins to lend them) had the right idea but the wrong target. Katter, Cuddlepie, Jarrett, Thomson, Abbot et al should be meted out the same punishment with signs declaring 'I am an oxygen thief, and not to be trusted'. Only Tony Abbott would not be required to don the Shrek headgear, he comes pre-equipped by mother nature.

On the local government front, The 'Pie wonders if in our midst we have some like Peter Davies, the mayor of Doncaster, England. He is a member of the hard right English Democrats, a minor party but thanks to Davies, making a major noise. He was elected a couple of years ago on a controversial platform of radical reforms. The first thing Davies did was slash his salary from 73,000 pounds to 30,000 pounds. 
Other policies he either implemented or proposed included  
* closed down the council newspaper ' for peddling politics on the rates'
* calling for the reduction in the number of councillors by two thirds (down to 21)
* banning jobs created by political correctness (eg council translators for immigrants) 
* ending 'town twinning' (we call them sister cities) as an expensive excuse for councillor junkets (amen to that)
* ending council funding for gay and lesbian groups
* banning swearing and spitting in public
* opting out of the local government association, (because 'it's just an expensive talk-fest'), and 
* opposing a three per cent rate rise.

Needless to say, Mr Davies created a lot of sound and fury, in part because on the face of it, his policy platform was a frustrating mix of good, bad and just plain nutty notions, and he didn't help his cause when he praised the Taliban for their 'disciplined home life'. You can't get much harder right than that. 

In June last year, Westminster appointed a four-man (person?) commission to 'guide' the council because of 'poor governace and dysfunctional politics'.

Makes our forthcoming council bunfight seem sedate by comparison. C'mon Dale, isn't there anything in that grab bag you can champion? The 'Pie would also have asked Jenny the same question, but the Moaning Mullet had fainted in a foaming fit after reading Mr Davies policies.

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs' Bar, where after a suitable be-bubbling of an amenable gal, any talk of the hard right will have different punctuation, including a comma and a question mark.


  1. Dale Last as Mayor(shudder) would be as arrogant as Mooney, and a show pony like Mooney. But at least Mooney had many years experience on the Council and therefore knew about local Government.
    Last has no experience and hasn't a clue about anything that goes on in Local Government.
    Fed up

  2. Craig Wallace must have lost the script for his medication.
    Fed up

  3. Conan the GrammarianAugust 27, 2011 at 2:58 PM

    Notwithstanding his Taliban comment, I want to have Peter Davies' baby.

  4. thank godness that the editor is going i dont think there will be any tears over him leaving.
    he was nothing but a pawn for the labor party,he should have been sacked long ago. he is a terrible man.Just made up things to suit himself.

  5. 1. Billy Bunter Wallace is a goose. The worst type of stupid person - the type that think they are smart. He has become a bumbling pathetic creature and the sooner we are rid of him the better.

    2. Be careful what you wish for. Typo, although a laughable cockalorum, may be replaced by someone with the same agenda, but with more guile and credibility.

    3. Peter Davies is one hell of a guy. Double thumbs up for the "no spitting" decree. This is a disgusting and vulgar habit. Triple thumbs up for reminding us what local government should be doing.

  6. f Typo does indeed flee, I suspect it will be a bittersweet victory. I base this on cold hard pessimism and cynicism rather than any formal insider understanding or knowledge (or, you know, facts). It just feels like the unfortunate culture of that paper is ingrained to the point where any change would be a slow burn. But - as has been duly noted - there is but one paper available in these cities: I wonder what would a publicly visible and viable alternative be? I would like to see one. I would support one. I just can't fathom it's form or make-up. To start a newspaper business in our current culture is madness. To start one and take on the Murdoch press is... I don't know... uber madness. The answer would have to presumably be electronic (perhaps with a limited print run) - but what style? What content? What demographic? What focus?
    Zane Parry

  7. Typo leaving, can't come soon enough!

  8. Maybe the Astonisher would consider a job back at the Bully .... may encourage some to renew their cancelled subscriptions

  9. And just how would Peter Davies manage a balanced financial budget...... spitting is one thing but financial credentials is another

  10. We can only hope the Mullet gets her knickers in a knot and swims off. Egos, whingers, finger pointers, bullies has no place on our Council. Let's get it right this time. Would all candidates please publish CV's in advance.

  11. An offer of a job back at the Bully for The'Pie? Buddy Holly had the answer to that one all those years ago, and it ain't Maybe Baby, more That'll Be The Day. The words snowball, chance and hell spring to mind.