Step up, step up, ladeez and genulmun, and see the Townsville Bulletin’s Max the Amazing Diminishing Dog. No, folks, it is not a gimmick, you will see it with your own eyes – The Daily Astonisher living up to its name.

You’ll have to be quick, though, before it becomes the Vanishing Dog, a paranormal pooch!

And just for a bit of mid-week mischief, the story also contains proof that like most reporters, the author of this amazing story thinks that syntax is what the government charges for a brothel licence.

Overseas, the scandal of entertainer Jimmy Saville's decades-long abuse ... and probably rape ... of under age fans has revolted the entire nation. Naturally, it has prompted many a sick, grubby joke in an area where it is hard to find humour. But there is one exception that The Magpie is willing to share with you.

That, plus a couple of larfs and a couple of random observations in a bonus mid-week nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The Astonisher astonishes with a policy against old people having fun - Mayor Mullet leads with her chin to play media favourites, Campbell Newman's 'unplanned' glowing report, and 50 Shades of Grey - The Old Geezer's Edition.

Who woulda believed it – Campbell Newman giving all of Queensland a warm cosy glow this week. But will the Brisbane Bantam push for the next logical step, arguing for the beneficial pulsating glow of cheap nuclear energy here in Australia?

On the local scene, it looks like it's official: The Townsville Bulletin is opposed to the Townsville City Council’s annual Pioneers Lunch for the oldies, ditto the Seniors’ Lunch in the Park, the paper is also aghast that any money is spent on military celebrations attracting hundreds of visitors to Townsville, and suggests in so many words, that money to stage citizenship ceremonies is ‘lavish’ and wasteful.

And Mayor Mullet, long an honorary associate iditor (no error) of The Daily Astonisher,  starts picking media favourites, right royally pissing off the local television reporters.  It’s a fight she could well do without - and so could Townsville.

And just to show that all those ‘old pioneers’ so despised by The Bulletin still have life in them yet, a special ’50 Shades of Grey’ poem for us old geezers. Based on the racy ‘Mummy porn’ dreams of the everyday housewife, this is an anonymous version of ‘50 Shades’, which has raised the moistness meter off the scale in ordinary households around the globe, but be careful, this ode for the oldies could be harmful … you run the risk of dying of laughter.

And just to be different, a caption contest for you, all in here the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The Astonisher scores another hilarious hit in its running gunfight with the English language, and at the same time, tries to dive for cover from a massive volley of criticism prompted by yet another deceitfully untrue and sensationalized BS story.

Speaking of such matters, it hasn’t been a good week for News Ltd in Queensland all round – the Curious Snail looks good for a right old kicking from authorities over it’s blatant and deliberate flouting of laws regarding the identification of minors – the Townsville Bulletin still awaits the outcome of a similar charge against it in a separate court matter – and Typo Gleeson forced to back down big time on the Gold Coast.

Also ... Dumbo Jumbo is at it again – but The Magpie reckons he has a solution for Ewen Jones’s loose lips.

You can also take a peek American election advert you won’t see imitated on Australian telly any time soon – if your of a delicate constitution, cover your ears when Samuel L Jackson harangues the country to … ummm…  come to its senses (not exactly his words).

Also, perhaps the world’s most unfortunate name, a name to conjure with - and belonging to a woman who studies what!!?! And it is all unblushingly true.

All part of this week’s load of great steaming guano catering to your ever exotic tastes at www.townsvillemagpier.com.au

Looks like TEL’s Daddy Warbucks Kippin will now have to sing for his supper at the council, but it seems it will be a private recital, not open to the great unwashed (that’s us, folks). Is Messagebank Walker showing early signs of preening for higher office? - and when journo’s fight, the outcome is vicious … side-splittingly hilarious but vicious.

Yep, The Magpie has unearthed a classic rip’n’tear effort sparked by the sexist hoopla in Canberra.

On that matter, Joolya goes from politics before principle to principle before politics to in a matter of minutes … and why an amused Prince Willy grinned and tittered.

All this and, unfortunately, more, all in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

A tale of two editors, with not-so-hidden agendas here in Townsville, and our old mate Typo Gleeson on the Gold Coast chucks an unprecedented mega-tanty. Capt Snooze arises from his retirement slumbers to plug a Labor candidate for Herbert – but he’s keeping it in the family.

No, no, it’s not Snooze’s delightful legal eagle missus, Janis Mayes … it’s her sister.

In general matters, language lovers can mourn the loss of a couple of words but welcome a very timely new one -  the Ashby-Slipper cat fight prompts the media double entendre of the year –  and is the Minister for Mayors, our own Kid Crisafulli moonlighting in a second long-distance job?

Also, a local News Ltd reporter earns a well justified nickname. It’s all here in this week’s guano-covered nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au