Just silly stuff for the silly season.

'Tis the season to be silly - in this neck of the woods, that season usually runs from Jan 1 to Dec 31 - but just how silly is this: The Magpie agrees with The Moaning Mullet on one particular end-of-year issue!

That little astounder will be revealed shortly, but otherwise, the old bird has made a departure from his usual drivel and has collected a few funnies sent to him in past months, all good for a holiday larf or two. 

It'll be back into the thick of things later in January, but for now, just in case you don't plough through to the end of this warmed-over offering, may both you readers have a great 2012, and may all those blundering pollies continue on their blusetring way - after all, they keep The 'Pie in business at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Here's a serious question: why is Craig Wallace trying to throw this election?

Now this isn't a question from an educated posterior - an anatomical anomaly often referred to by those who communicate with the old bird by the somewhat terser term 'smart arse ' - no, it is a fair dinkum question for which a very strong case can be mounted. 

Which The Magpie will shortly do.

This issue also raised a couple of related questions about interconnected matters, like Queensland Health. 

A couple of new words entered the Magpie lexicon during the week, and most apt and timely they were, along with the saying of the week, from the American Republicans campaign to find a challenger for Bazza Obama.

Also, over in Scandanavia, recently most famous for creating a deranged psycopathic killer of holidaying children, one very respectable Swedish group wants this Christmas to be a real blast ... they are selling - for charity - Christmas tree ornaments shaped like hand grenades. The 'Pie has a pretty pic to prove it.

And just to lighten up a bit, the biting wit of a British politician at his slice and dice best when putting those European foreigner chappies in their place.

All this and plenty of other idiocy in this week's nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The Ogre is at it again - suppressing a hard news story not to his commercial liking, and rumours that a certain Kat is purring around a star council candidate.

Yep, yet another episode in the on-going saga of all the news that's fit to print but isn't, because it might upset the Astonisher's bottom line.

That's just one of the tidbits in a right old grab bag this week, ranging from the inconclusive (Mary Vernon to run for council? If she does, it will be under the funniest political slogan ever in this town) to the downright scurrilous - did Julia Gillard once confess to being what Mongrel the Barrister indelicately calls 'a rug muncher'?

The Silly Old Duffer award taken out by the naughtiness of former Astonisher boss 'Mad Max' Tomlinson: The Silly Young Duffer award goes to the Astonisher's new boy-editor Lachlan Heywood who applauds lawlessness - it's there in black and white; and photographic proof that the Nanny Staters are here, right in lil ol' Townsville.

It's all packed into the first of the silly season's nests, www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Well, that same sex marriage law makes something else official, then. We really do live in ... ummm, well ... Queensland.

We take a gander at the ins and outs of all that, along with what next in this personal relationship arena. 

Plus Team Mullet ambles onto the stage, but despite the valiant and admirable effort at political recycling, The Moaning Mullet has failed to mention her secret weapon. But The'Pie will. 

And its been the week of endangered species, from Tasmania right up here to good old Godzone aka NQ, with godzillianair Clive  'Teletubby' Palmer scoring the best verbal point of the round.

It's all here in this week's Nest, at www.townsvillemagpie.net.au 

The unasked question about the Mullet's mayoral launch this Tuesday, why we're heading for a Forest Gump council election, and Labor's latest hilarious hokey-pokey confusion over membership.

The best of the week is the local ALP's hilarious membership situation, where several people didn't even know they were in the party ... and one member didn't know he was out.  Gawd 'elp us.

Also, Typo says sorry - because of so many inquiries and emails of support, I will revisit a past matter for one final time, that being  the outcome of Peter Gleeson's email bullying and harassment of my daughter.

That later, but let's first ponder in wonder at some of the more mysterious questions of the week, all here in the Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Wannabe Townsville councillor Vicki Salisbury - is she Tricky Vicki or just a Silly Sailsbury sausage with another campaigning cock-up?

She is certainly no Messiah, so is Vicki Salisbury just a very naughty little girl? 

Seems so.

Now, by all reports, Vicki's a nice gal - and all that - a hard worker in the Townsville arts scene - and so on - friendly, bubbly - and so forth - but it appears when it comes to local government politics, she is either a mischievious little Tricky Vicki ... or she's a bit of a klutz ( a word formed in the sixties from the yiddish 'klots', meaning wooden block).

Harsh words, you say? Well, there is a reason why someone who wants public office can't afford to be found out being either sneaky, or a dill. Reasons here at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The Moaning Mullet names the day when she will reveal all, Knuth Kn'oath to face off with a formidable sheila for Dalrymple, and the political backroom boys of all stripes are busier than a one-armed brickie in Beirut.

Look, come back, come back - don't stop reading - the suggestion that Jenny Hill will 'reveal all' is not literal and does not involve any illustration of her doing The Dance of the Seven Army Surplus Blankets.

No, no, it's just that she will be officially stating what she's been telling everybody for the past six months - what, you haven't heard? Psst, she running for mayor - On Tuesday November 29th at The Brewery function room, she will introduce her team - ahem, sorry, Task Force - slogan: Vote For Hill, Together We Will - no sniggering now.  The invite says ' entry donation at the door, or via electronic transfer', which would suggest to all you Jenny-boosting battlers, she is after donations of the crinkling - not tinkling - kind. Dig deep if you're a Mullet mate.

Hmmm, one trusts The Magpie hasn't steered you wrong on this. Because the invitation does say there will be a 15-minute - unspecified - 'performance' before she gives her campaign speech.

Crikey, no, she wouldn't? Or would she? Could be worse, one supposes, it could be Jeff Jimmieson on drums.  

But let's start with some non-political quotes of the week at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Team Mullet revealed (sort of), more on Snooze and that boardroom barney at Dance North - and the Qantas dispute explained in a single picture.

The whole planet was asking just one querulous question earlier this week: YU, 55? Basically, the query was why a potentially earth-ending asteroid of that name would wish to threaten us at this particular time ... just when we have passed a goody-two-shoes carbon tax, the end of Anna Bligh is in sight, and bananas are again affordable.

As it turned out, YU55 was a near-miss that did no harm. But here in Townsville, a similiarly phrased question lingers, but we will have to wait until next March to find out the answer to -  YU Mullet? 

One supposes that the obvious answer is Y Not? Or perhaps, according to Labor bosses, Y Bother?

We'll look at the issue of Asteroid Mullet, including, as they say, the political 'maddies, saddies and baddies' along for the ride with her. Yup, like Gilbert and Sullivans' patter song man in The Mikado, The Magpie has a little list. And we'll see that the Labor hierarchy thinks she has no hope of becoming Townsville mayor.

We''ll also have a bit more on that riveting ding-dong at Dance North, plus a pictorial explanation - it's kinda norty - of the Qantas dispute.

All here as usual in The Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au 

Come dance with me - if you dare. Snooze cuts more than a rug at Dance North.

Also, the latest in mayoral madness, including suspects for The Moaning Mullet's team when you're not having a team, but a task force.

Plus the bonus of two of the best cartoon comments on current times.

Be massively misinformed as always here at The Magpie's Nest, at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

A mayoral form guide, and their council stable mates.

Forget the Melbourne Cup field, here's a mid-week form guide to the current incumbents and their barrier draws for next March's Townsville City Council election. And it's not so much a case of fascinators as fantasyland  - all round. And a bonus from Bentley with several caricatures - some  so good, they're repeated. 

PS No proof reader for the moment, so forgive any cock-ups. 

So, a bonus load of doggy dos in a dollop from the Magpie's Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au.

Now that Farmer Les has formally put himself out to pasture, the fun really starts. But The Moaning Mullet is deadly serious. And Dale wants to be anything but last

And The Ogre of Ogden Street goes all arty-farty.

But - finally - the big news!

Believe it not, we now have a quality candidate, tailor-made for the office of Townsville mayor, with all the credentials of sobriety, social responsibility, fiscal actuity, voter appeal - particularly among the younger mug voters - and deep credibility. 

Or, hang on a sec, is he just a stalking horse for our local political Joan of Nark, aka Jenny The Moaning Mullet Hill?

Now look, this is getting REALLY tricky, because the above DOES NOT refer to the vaulting ambition of former walloper Dale Last, current front runner for the scarlet possum-fur trimmed mayoral robes.    

The Magpie, as always, cogitates aimlessly, here at the Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au.

A crooning Katter and other equally unbelievable but less embarrassing stuff

OK,OK, The Magpie's makes his humble apologies, it was probably his fault. He takes the blame for the past week's public Katter-wauling. Explanation follows, along with a close look at a weird aspect of the American political scene, and the real historical signifigance behind place names, both here and abroad.

All here in the Magpie's Nest, which, as usual 'glitters with pilfered gems' to quote historian Tom Holland - he was talking about Plutarch, but close enough, at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

'A TRUTH TOLD WITH BAD INTENT BEATS ALL THE LIES YOU CAN INVENT' - William Blake

Despite having been dead for a couple of centuries, pommy painter and poet Willy Blake was right on the money as far as Queensland politics was concerned this week. Willy's pithy observation has an immediate resonance regarding the so-called 'Dirt File'- until it turns out that it would be better known as the 'Stating The Bleedin' Obvious' file - the contents are hardly Scoop City, although The Astonisher did its lame best to whip itself into a self-righteous lather about the story.

Also, the latest round-up of the Cut Snake Party's local candidates (err, to Mystified of Mysteron, that's Katter's Australia Hootenanny and Hoedown Party) - and the latest on the possibility of a Bad Mooney Rising. All here in this week's drivel-laden Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au 

Hear about the asbestos scare down at the Townsville Bulletin? You sure wouldn't have if you depend on the paper for your news.

Yes, awards galore this week, the biggy going to the Bulletin - yet again they've won the Janus Two Faced BUMM Trophy, BUMM being for Barefaced Unmitigated Mendacity. Of course, the Irony Award of the week goes to the fact that it appears that asbestos is the only fireproof thing at the paper - the staff certainly aren't.
And in the series featured in this blog before under the general heading of  'All the news that's fit to print but isn't', The Astonisher garners two other gongs, the Callous Chalice for vicious ways to sack people and the Carelessness Cup for an interesting approach to workplace health and safety when asbestos starts gently raining down - a former staffer says she raised the issue of possible asbestos dust over a year ago, but was dismissed out of hand. Now that The Magpie has got the legal eagles rubbing their hands at the possibility of some lovely Murdoch moola, we'll have more on that later. 

The ABC also gets an award - the 'Huh, Come Again Double Entendre' award, Rugby Union gets the 'Ministry of Silly Names Encouragement Bowl and Vase' and for the 132nd straight time, the Queensland Government gets the Brat McEnroe 'You Must Be Joking'  silver raquet and balls platter, with a special mention for Premier Blight, who wins the Preposterous Policy Golden Doughnut.

So first, the minutae of the week, all here in the Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au  

Mary Vernon parts company with The Bulletin - so the blood-letting has started in earnest at The South's Own Paper.

Mary Vernon, one of the longest serving and most high-profile journalists at The Bulletin, has become one of the first victims of a savage cost-cutting directive from News Ltd's Sydney HQ. She was told last night that she was to be retrenched, and was given a month's notice - to be paid out or worked out is not known. 

On the same day, photographer Darren Hilder and a bloke described to The Magpie as a marketing analyst named Simon Cowling (not sure of the spelling) were also given their similar marching orders. In recent weeks, at least three other journalists have resigned amid claims of bullying and stress.

This seems to be the start of changes which will have a significant impact on Townsville and North Queensland. The Magpie paints an overall picture and a possible positive outcome from the unfolding train wreck, here at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Tis time to talk of mayoral matters, of Mooney, The Moaning Mullet and other facts and fantasy.

The scuttling behind those local government skirting boards is getting more frenetic, now that the next council election will be decided in old style divisions. The rumour mill has gone into overdrive, with the chance that Mooney and The Mullet will fight over the scraps of local Labor.

Also - and not unrelated - three former Townsville politicians to get life, and our quizzical quillman Bentley reckons the PM got the wrong dog for her 50th birthday during the week - all here in the Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Living the life of Larry again! Born-again penman Larry Pickering is back serving it up to pollies and public figures with unerring and hilarious accuracy - see for yourself.

Larry's Back!!! 

Veteran cartoonist and biting social commentator Larry Pickering has - hallelujah - picked up his pen again and is once more skewering puffed-up political pig's bladders left, right and centre. His return will be a delight for those who eagerly sought out his take on Hawke, Howard, Whitlam and Keating et al in The Australian all those years ago. 

And he has graciously given The Magpie permission to present a sample or so of his latest takes on the current flapdoodle on the national political scene. He is as devastatingly funny as ever, as irreverent and as brave as ever and even offers a modern sample on the notoriously uproarious 'nude politicians calendar'. WARNING: That  particular sample is very naughty but very nice - if you can describe a nude Julia Gillard as nice; if either of you readers is a sensitive little petal prone to a fit of the vapours and you don't want to know, then don't look. Says it all really, so plough on in at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The Astonisher gets a new editor, just when News Ltd admits print is pretty well buggered, the pommy boo-boo brigade goes gaga (again) and our Wayne declared a little treasure.

Well a national one, actually.
More on that, as well as a couple of language traps that were sprung during the week, the dark night of the nanny state gets worse in England, and how Typo's last hurrah became more of an harumph. All here in this week's Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

RIP Sheila Bairstow: A special message for those who knew her.

It was with great sadness that I learnt today of the death of Sheila Bairstow in Perth on the weekend.

Sheila, wife and business partner of PR professional Ron Bairstow, had been battling heart and breathing problems for some years, but continued to a live a full and rewarding life in retirement, often traveling overseas.  She collapsed suddenly and died at home on Sunday morning.

Ron has asked me to pass on the sad news. A personal view here at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The measure of the man - departing Townsville Bulletin editor Peter Gleeson's disgraceful low blow - and he's even f ... err, make that ... mucked that up.

This is personal. And serious.

So in this case, I will drop the usual third person persona, and leave you to judge the following for yourself.


I should be flattered, but I'm not.

Robbie Katter joins his old man's political push, so now is it The Two Bob's Worth Party - and why Cuddlepie is terrified of the date February 7 2012 .

And a new and welcome foe of the Nanny State arrives on the scene, with the power to makes his presence felt big time. It's all here in this week's Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The political uses of gaffer tape, real and possible - mayoral aspirant Dale Last puts two and two together - and the story that wasn't; Typo stays true to form to the end.

Lots of nonsense around during the week, as always culminating in The Magpie's great steaming dollops of guano, to which you are transfixed right now. 

In among the trinkets to follow, The 'Pie highlights one of the cruelest 'double crimes' ever to shake this city, and also looks at a lost language to ponder its 'known knowns, unknown knowns and unknown unknowns' to quote war criminal Donald Rumsfeld in 2002.

It's all here in this week's Magpie's Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Typo buggers off - at last. Is Jenny Hill thinking of quitting Labor and other bizarre scrabbling behind the political skirting boards and Nanny State buffoonery in pommyland.

So the mail last week was right, Typo has confirmed he is heading back to the Gold Coast to take up the job as editor of the Gold Coast Bulletin from whence he came into our unsuspecting midst three or so years ago.

In other drivel this week, we look at:
whether Jenny Hill is serious about leaving Labor if she doesn't get to head a Labor council ticket;

other jostling in the mayoral race - it could end up a Melbourne Cup field;
that meat-headed Beattie beat-up about a possible foray into federal politics
Julia Gillard's accidental honesty;
and the Poms get this week's medal for Nanny State nonsense - not once but three times! It's all here in this week's nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au .

Has Townsville finally lost Typo? And Cuddlepie's demented dance; has he lost the plot completely?

Yup, if the tsunami of calls on the MagpieFone are to be believed, it looks like The Magpie was on the money - only a month or so late  - it now seems certain that it's ta-ta to Typo.  

The breathless word down the telephonic communicator is that our fabulating friend is heading south, and with so many dogs barking, there's got to be a bone in there somewhere.

Also this week, the continuation of the sad spectacle of a once cluey (well, kinda) man, one Cuddlepie Wallace, sinking further into his personal gathering darkness. And adding bruises to boofheadedness, no one has told Cuddlepie that not only should he not sing in parliament  but that he can't sing - anywhere. Make you're own call.

Another question this week; has anyone around here heard of an English mayor Peter Davies? All local mayoral candidates should bone up on him. They can do so here, it's all in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Typo infuriates Canberra... and other perils of premature ejaculation.

Yup, what a week of cock-ups, one landing a bloke in court and the other landing Daily Astonisher editor Typo Gleeson in deep do-dos with, of all people ... the Governor General of Australia.

Yep our boy Typo down in Ogden Street, who you'll remember a few months ago couldn't get the date right on the front of his own paper, showed during the last week that he is still wrestling with getting dates - and ethics - right. Unless, of course, it was just yet another cock-up.

More on that shortly but first, we look at the unexpected perils of modern airline travel, in this week's Magpie's Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Medical Emergency: CPR Needed For Astonisher's Fading Circulation.

The time has come, 

The Magpie said, 

To talk of many things:

Of shoes - and ships - 

Newspaper circulations and media fings.

(with sincere apologies to Lewis Carroll, who won't care anyway, since he's been looking at the lid for while now.)

The latest circulation figures for the Townsville Bulletin make interesting reading, and so does columnist Kath Skene's impish wrigglings about her unusual sense of humour.

An extra serving of drivel for you to ignore. Otherwise, read on at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

It's official: we can't get any smarter, according to the 'geekerati' of medical science, but boy, does The Magpie have some news for them.

Also this week, a well known Townsville legal eagle in deep doo-doos over some fiscal don't-dont's ... some reports say up to $6million worth of naughtiness;  and a new hat in - and another out of - the Townsville mayoral ring?

It's all here this week dressed-up drivel by what was termed in an anonymous Daily Astonisher editorial  as 'a cowardly blogger' with a poisonous and irrelevant agenda, known otherwise to you as The Magpie's Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au. With such a ringing endorsement, how can you not read on? 

An amazing medical discovery - and it's no leg pull, growing back appendages WITHOUT surgery. True.

Remember John Wayne Bobbitt?

Most blokes will remember him with watering eyes and females with a wistful though grim and nodding smile. For in 1993, John-boy and his missus Lorena gained worldwide notoriety for a particularly noteworthy marital dust-up - madam lopped off hubby's whizzer, after its unauthorised usage in the marital bed after a drunken fight.

Certainly not a subject that The Magpie or any other bloke would want to dwell on at ... errr ... any length, but the saga of John Wayne's John Thomas sprang to mind this week when he read of an apparently genuine and genuinely amazing discovery in the US - a substance that allows dismembered appendages to grow back without surgery! 

This is not a Magpie leg-pull, it's apparently fair dinkum, and has already worked spectacularly in one instance. 

Join The Magpie on a cheery trip down memory lane and possible uses closer to home for this remarkable medication.

A mid-week Magpie's trivia trinket - mainly just for laughs, including a photograph Kylie Minogue wishes had never been taken.

We also look at the Townsville City Council's bid to be part of the Nanny State, and Typo hurls the toys out of the bassinet (again) over 'cowardly bloggers'. Who could he mean? So hop into the nest for your mid-week quickie at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Revealed: the secret affliction of our misunderstood politicians, and a couple of cartoons you won't be seeing in the Daily Astonisher. any time soon.

Like so many others in this neck of the woods, The Magpie is mightily glad that warmer weather is on the way. The best summation of the more than a bit nippy temperatures of recent times was Deirdre McFondle's lament that 'it's been so cold that my headlights have been on high beam for three months'. And when Deidre's lights are on high beam, it is a spectcular vista which is illuminated but it does make jogging painful. That's OK, we can always turn the air conditioning on full blast when our gal pops around to Poseurs" Bar in the warmer months for a dainty glass or two of chardy.
Back in the real(ish) world, the spritely nature of language was on display this week on several fronts, topped by two great headlines from local media.


Also this week we campaign for the return of a long-neglected word that so aptly fits modern politics and the media; we show you a couple of cartoons that you won't see in The Townsville Bulletin; and The 'Pie explains the medical reasons why we should be utterly ashamed of how we treat our politicians. It's all here at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The Moaning Mullet and the dreaded 'C' word

In these troubled times, it is always good to have some lighter moments to alleviate the gloom, so it was a good article on Monday by Townsville Bulletin Associate Editor Jenny The Moaning Mullet Hill, who is always good for a hearty larf.

For a brief mid-week thigh slap and chortle, soldier on here in The Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Townsville's Exchange Hotel to keep - ahem - abreast of the times, Rupert tells it the way it is, and another bedroom bandicoot for The Lodge?

First, on the local front, it's not so much about what's going on, it's more about what's coming off.

The venerable old Exchange Hotel on Via Vomitorium (aka Flinders Street East) is about to become a tits and bum bar ... err, sorry, that is a Gentlemens' Club, along the lines of Santa Fe Gold across the road. 

Topless gals downstairs in the ground floor bars, and upstairs, poor impoverished waifs who can barely afford a pair of wooly, sequined knickers will make do on chilly nights by warming their goose bumps with impromptu lap dances on blokes who take a sort of paternal pity on their plight. Aussie blokes are good that way. They can always rise to the occasion.

How did all this come about? Read on here at this week's Magpie's Nest www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Television gave us Secret Squirrel business, Townsville Council gave us secret Tyrell business, Typo calls the kettle black, and the new loopy language in the paint store.

It's been a week which will perhaps be remembered for our prime minister talking crap ... literally. In an address broadcast nationally, the Mother Meerkat's exhortation to the Canberra Press Club members not to write 'crap' was unusual to say the least. 

On the face of it, this was a clear request to stop quoting her, because the glaringly obvious solution to achieve her goal would be for her stop talking. Add Bob Brown, Tony Abbott, Bob Katter and Alan Jones, and the country's dangerously high carbon mouthprint would plunge instantly. 

But writing crap doesn't always happen when someone says something. Here in The 'Ville, it was what wasn't said that caused the problem, with the City Council's secret guest list for the box at the V8 SuperPests last weekend.

It was a mysterious and ill-advised move, but The Magpie has been able to solve the puzzle and take a peek at the guest list.

In the hilarity department, he also explains why Typo earns the goofiest Gotcha! award of the year so far, in this week's natterings from The Nest.

A mid-week missive from a humble 'Pie who blushes at the flattery from a most unlikely quarter - and offers a bit of a larf at some of the classic cock-ups from newspaper from around the world.

Today, it is a humble Magpie who glides into your inbox, head bowed in embarrassment at the flattery bestowed upon him from a most unlikely source ... The Daily Astonisher!!

Well, Typo and crew haven't exactly made any direct reference to their favourite weekly read, but it cannot be any other way. 

More on that later, but in order to keep this mid-week missive light'n'bright, it is timely, given the dark doings of certain London papers, to have a look at the harmless mirth caused by the sometimes deliberate, sometimes inadvertent publishing cock-ups around the world and down the decades.

It's all here in the mid-week Magpie's Nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Prince Peter of Lindsay has trouble keeping his feet on the ground - why The Astonisher is a notable 'no show' at the Townsville show - and an apt epitaph for the passing of a paper.

Uh oh, looks like the lordly Prince Peter of Lindsay, the former Laird of Herbert, is still up to his 'let them eat cake' ways even after retiring from the court of deposed King John. Not for the first time, Peter Lindsay is still living - or actually flying - high on the hog in his taxpayer-funded retirement.

Papers tabled in federal parliament during the week confirm that Prince Peter is leading the pack in travel expenses for retired MPs over the last six months of last year.

Spoil your day by reading about it in this week's nest at www.townsvillemagpie.

The simple answer to the question of gay marriage, and Typo's bad date.

First up, this week's Moment of Deep Contemplation came, from of all places, the Savvy section of the Daily Astonisher, which, while wittering on about the latest fashion in slacks,   offered this startling advice 

'But surprisingly, if you fit the right voluminous slacks to your body shape, pretty much anyone can pull them off.'

And no doubt will, after a heady Friday night down on Flinders Street East. Nothing like ease of operation that bypasses all those fiddly zips, hooks and buttons and other impedimentia to a good time. In The `Pie's day, this apparent dropping of the tweeds was known as a 'pantsing'. Nice to see the old traditions coming back, with the added attraction of a fast draw on the drawers if the gals are caught short down on Via Vomitorium after the 3am lock-out.

In other matters this week, gay marriage is in the news again (yawn), with The Big Apple making it legal, but we have a revolutionary solution to put this tedious saga to rest. We also have a couple of other matters concerning The Astonisher, including  praise - yes! praise, and we ain't talkin' mayonnaise here, brothers! - for some genuinely outstanding reporting, and The `Pie exclusively reveals a rare honour for Typo; he joins a small but select club of newspaper editors, a club that meets on the eighth Tuesday of every month.

So suspend your disbelief and be The Magpie's guest in this week's nest.

Praise for Labor (it's OK, you've got the right blog) and an infestation of detestation at The Astonisher, plus some special awards.

This week's Gucci In The Gob Award for a foot-in-the-mouth disease goes to the waffling member for Herbert, Ewen Jones. On ABC morning radio, our boyo was being put through the hoops by the ABC's Paula The Mauler Tapiolas. She quizzed him about a promised walkway on Magnetic Island, urgently needed to alleviate a dangerous situation which forced people to walk on the roadway.

The Mauler asked if funding money could not be forthcoming more quickly from some other government program.

Quoth the Jones boy,''I looked into getting money from the Roads Blackspot program, but unfortunately, not enough people have died'. Unfortunate indeed, damn those pesky people, no community spirit at all, eh, mate?

But The Magpie was relieved that our man didn't qualify for the other main award of the week, the image would be hard to erase, as you will find out when you read on.

Fancy a mid-week quickie with The Magpie?

If that sounds a bit saucy, it's because today we must talk of the - uh oh -  F word. Now before you pick up your skirts and dash away for the laudanum bottle - or in the case that you're a gal, suddenly develop a headache - the F word in question here is - Fenugreek. This is a herb, and is not, as Mongrel the Barrister imagined, a regionally identified position in the Karma Sutra. Fenugreek is an age-old staple spice for curry.

It has also long been known that among it's many medicinal properties, fenugreek has for eons been used to assist in the smooth flow of lactating milk, and has been a proven breast enlarger.
But The `Pie was thrown into deep contemplation this week with the outcomes of a study by Brisbane-based company Applied Science and Nutrition, in conjunction with the University of Queensland's medical school, which (somehow) found that men taking fenugreek can boost their sex drive by at least a quarter.

Read on to have a look at the story, and contemplate the host of unanswered question that have been left - well, left dangling.

What do Typo, Katter, Cuddlepie, Churchill and fighting feminists have in common? They're all your guests this week in the Nest.

Your menu of trinkets, m'dears:

* Cuddlepie proves that desperate times call for desperate - albeit ludicrous - measures with a mega brain-fade on his highway from hell

* Churchillian echoes for Bob Katter's Cut Snake Party, 

* fun as two big Brunhildes of the sisterhood go the gouge on each other in the jelly-filled      wrestling ring of feminist ideology, 

* The Astonisher has two bob each way on its much trumpeted green credentials and 

* Typo gets it wrong in an editorial.   

All these baubles along with Nest's resident doodler Bentley's bent view of the state of Aussie politics in an overflowing nest atwww.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Naming rights and wrongs, cops cop out again, and - shock, horror - The Magpie gives The Mullet his full support!

There may be a cosmic force out there dedicated to our destiny, but this week, The Magpie is tempted to believe more in a comic farce dedicated to giving us the nervous giggles.

It is often cheap sport to make fun of accents, but a special nod must be given to that oily crook Sepp Blatter, the FIFA chief cheat, trained in the three wise monkeys school of excuses. On telly this week, he said he hadn't investigated corruption allegations because 'it wasn't in my moneyfesto'. He might have meant manifesto, but his prounounciation sounded far more interesting. And accurate.

This reminds The Magpie of the widow of Charles de Gaulle, when asked what she now wanted from life, replied 'A penis', which was a bit too forthright even for a French woman. It proved to be a monumental 'accent accident' - she meant ' 'appiness'.

For another example of comic over cosmic, there is that little storm-in-a-Y-front yarn from the US, where a Congressman and front-runner to be the next mayor of New York has done a public mea culpa. This star-spangled bozo has admitted he's been a naughty boy behaving badly on Facebook and elsewhere, sending supposedly raunchy pix of himself to women he met on the internet.

Among his offerings is a pic of his 'bulging' Reg Grundies - he was in them of course, although we only have his word for that. So what, you both cry. Read on.

Wine and Tripe: an unlikely combination - unless you read wine reviews.

The Magpie has long held that there are certain groups in our community that are off their rockers when it comes to public pronouncements. These include radio DJ's, architects, real estate agents and most apparent of all, wine writers.

So it was with palsied trembling that The Magpie read this week of the sale of a couple of bottles of champagne at auction for something approaching $80,000.

Typo declares the Astonisher's politics, no fags for old lags in our sin bins, and The Brat is back?

The Magpie notes with interest that latest politically correct term for the dim and simple who walk among us is 'developmentally delayed'. 

Sounds like Townsville's construction industry. (See, yaya nah nah, you both expected a cheap shot about The Daily Astonisher there, didn't you? Well, stiff fromage, me old dears - that comes later on.)

But the phrase suddenly brought to mind former tennis tosser John McEnroe, one of the all-time bed-wetting whiners of the sport.

It has been said that in his playing days, McEnroe wore that distinctive head sweatband to hide the circumcision scars. As others have said, if indeed Mr McEnroe is circumcised, they threw away the wrong bit.

All this cheery reminiscing was sparked off when The `Pie read somewhere that this unpleasant loudmouth has agreed to do some coaching on the Indian sub-continent. 

So what can we expect from this venture, if it happens.

Introducing the Mid-week Magpie

Yes, two slices of `Pie most weeks for the same price, ie nothing.

This will be an occasional Wednesday column, with The Magpie returning to his founding style aimed strictly at the world's trivia and strictly for (hopefully) laughs. Watch out for world shattering information such as some problems with place names, weird medical conditions, famous last words, how well hung is an elephant - the subject of this first mid-week column - and any other bright trinkets of oddness that catch The Magpie's eye.

The regular Saturday drivel will continue to infest your computers each week, giving The `Pie's jaundiced view of the week's happening.

But for now, have a nibble of your extra slice of `Pie here at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Tales of a miffed Mullet, a konfused Katter, and rapture ratbaggery.

This week: doing the political hokey pokey in The Mullet's Mundingburra, hocus pocus in Katter's Kennedy, and why Rapture could become a popular new Christian name.

First to local issues, and yet another pre-selection polka.

Labor folk out Mundingburra way should adopt as their official branch song the Hokey Pokey, the 1949 ditty that exhorts people to put the right one in, then take the right one out, then put the left one in and turn yourself all about. 

Because that is exactly what has happened this week, with ALP right-winger and long-serving foot soldier Paul Fletcher was declared the winner of a tight pre-selection race to face Kid Crisafulli in the state seat of Mundingburra, only to have that result overturned on a recount and the left faction's Mark Harrison placed first after the 'steward's inquiry' in Brisbane.

And Paul Fletcher isn't the only loser in this cock-up, The Moaning Mullet and Cuddlepie Wallace have had their influence and standing in the party  challenged at grassroots level. And even maybe - just maybe - by Brisbane. 

Read on for what's happened.

Jenny HIll wins a contest and earns a new title, arnie's chicks come home to roost, and 'plankers' ... rhymes with?

Also, one boozer laughing all the way to the bank, and Hinchinbrook MP Andrew Cripps has a 'deliverance' moment.

So, this week, let's skip the sublime and go from the ridiculous to the ridiculous.

Forget the kids, let's get our pollies and other influence peddlers to take the NAPLAN test.

On the evidence of this week, most wouldn't pass.
More on that shortly, but wasn't that great news about the budget funding for mental health in Australia?

Long overdue, if you ask The `Pie, especially since most of us suffer from that debilitating but often undiagnosed condition Coulrophobia, the fear of clowns. Everywhere you turn, you can't get away from them, be they politicians, newspaper editors, Dancing With The Stars judges, or even avian-inspired bloggers ... heh, heh, heh.

EXCLUSIVE: A Steal For Steel - Council Scrap That Is - Or How To Get Less Than 1% On Your Money - Two Senior Qld Pollies Let Slip Their Post Politics Plans - And Ozzie bin Laden's Possible Fate

If, at the time, you thought that the purchase of Jackson Pollack's Blue Poles was a dodgy proposition with public money, it was a rock solid investment next to Townsville's light poles.

Specifically, the Flinders Street East monstrosities installed a few years back and recently ripped out to all-round approval for the latest revamp of Via Vomitorium. They went under the auctioneer's hammer - which also pounded the ratepayers wallets - late last month. You may well have trouble believing the outcome, but The Magpie will shed more light shortly.

Also this week, pictorial proof that Anna Blight and Cuddlepie Wallace have all but given up on re-election - both are caught rehearsing together for their life after politics. The Magpie also falls about laughing with glee at the latest nickel-plated, rolled-gold spanner thrown into the works of Townsville's next council election. It's all here this week in the Magpie's Nest. 

Scorecard: Chris Condon 8 v Police 0 - Townsville show boss and political dabbler beats a bum rap yet again.

This is an extra column, the regular Saturday offering will be posted as usual.

He's done it again. Or perhaps more accurately, the police have yet again not done it - again. Chris Condon has been cleared of illegally slapping  a man to the ground injuring his jaw when the show boss confronted what he believed to be a trespasser on showground property.

For background on the incident and the the appeal which resulted in a re-trial being ordered, read this beautifully written (heh heh heh) article here.

After the expense of a trial, a successful appeal against the conviction and sentence on a charge of grievous bodily harm, and a successful hearing to have the re-trial moved to Mackay (opposed by the Crown), the DPP earlier this week decided to take their bat and ball and go home.

Retired hurt would be the better analogy when the Crown declined to go ahead with the fresh trial in the neutral territory of Mackay. The official term is Nolle prosequi 'to be unwilling to pursue', and it is hoped that this touch of erudite and cultured language will be balm for the  the severely mauled taxpayers who foot the bill for legal misadventures like this.