Saturday, June 4, 2011

Typo declares the Astonisher's politics, no fags for old lags in our sin bins, and The Brat is back?

The Magpie notes with interest that latest politically correct term for the dim and simple who walk among us is 'developmentally delayed'. 

Sounds like Townsville's construction industry. (See, yaya nah nah, you both expected a cheap shot about The Daily Astonisher there, didn't you? Well, stiff fromage, me old dears - that comes later on.)

But the phrase suddenly brought to mind former tennis tosser John McEnroe, one of the all-time bed-wetting whiners of the sport.

It has been said that in his playing days, McEnroe wore that distinctive head sweatband to hide the circumcision scars. As others have said, if indeed Mr McEnroe is circumcised, they threw away the wrong bit.

All this cheery reminiscing was sparked off when The `Pie read somewhere that this unpleasant loudmouth has agreed to do some coaching on the Indian sub-continent. 

So what can we expect from this venture, if it happens.
Well, surely we can expect youngsters sure to rise up through the ranks under McEnroe's tutelage will include the voluable Indian talent Wadda Yasayin, temperamental Rumanian Ukunt B Syrrioz and Pakistani high-born R.U. Farkinkiddinmi.

If successful, these up-and-comers will join the successful global stable of tennis's new generation which McEnroe has nurtured . These include the clever but rather clumsy-footed Russian Stumbleova, (cousin of the Olympic gymnast Tumbleova, wife of Russian fashion czar Serge Trouserin),  her compatriot - who is rumoured to be bribable - Chukusatwenti, the Norwegian lass Lotta Gruntin, the Czech ambidexterous hotty Martina Throalegova and the sensational Scottish doubles specialists Gordon Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgordon, both members of the Gay Gordons clan.

Now all the above is the usual low-level Magpie yuk yukery, but in real life, sports have thrown up some spectacular challenges calling for restraint from commentators. The `Pie is sure there is currently a comely Russian lass called Dementia, or something very close to it. No tennis burbler has yet opined he would like to have dementia. It would be understandable if she forgot where the stadium was and became a regular no-show. A crowd teaser rather than crowd pleaser.

Rugby league also presents some real life conundrums.

Although all codes in this multiculturally integrated land embrace players whose surnames are a word map of our immigration triumph, there's no escaping we have some very original names, and their combinations give rise to some linguistic gymnastics. (Remember the real cricket situation where the commentators had great glee - after a long wait - to declare that it was 'Lillee, bowled Dilly, caught Willy'?). Or the immortal 'The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willy"?

There's one player in rugby league running around with the moniker that is spoken as Gay Guy (don't know if he is, but if he is, so what anyway). But, in a weak echo of the cricket call, there is also the Bronco's Jahral Yow Yeh. Now it cannot be denied that this does sound like the yowl of surprise and (possibly) outrage if Mr Yeh was unexpectedly tackled from behind by Mr Guy.

There are many other names in sport that throw one into deep contemplations such as the supposedlly real Swedish rally driver of the '50s who revelled in the birth name of Bente Axel. But The Magpie, not seeking midnight raps on his door leading to surprise tackles from behind - or any direction, for that matter -  thinks this idle line of inquiry should be left there - until either of you readers want to add the list of these oddities.

On other matters, you may have noticed that The Magpie has laid off the Asotnisher a bit lately, realising it can become somewhat tedious cataloging all the 'cat sat on the mat' spelling and grammatical errors which are the sad result of unfairly overworked sub-editors doing twice the amount of work with no additional staff. The Magpie is sure this is a ploy by Michael 'The Ogre of Ogden Street' Wilkins to complete his mission to sack all local subs and give their work to a Brisbane 'super sub hub'. His reason will be that the locals didn't stay below the 'error rate' he set for the paper at about 15%. Ah, remember back when the error rate tolerance was ... oh, let's say ... nil, because enough literate staff where paid to publish a proudly readable paper?

That said, the cancer of comment and bias in the news columns (as versus the editorial piece) cannot go unmentioned this week, where the clear political bias imposed by the editor Typo Gleeson on reporters and subs is laughably on show. Check it out here in the third par, where the partisan and politically derogatory term 'sling mud' is used as biased slur in what should be a FAB (Fair And Balanced) report to readers.

No matter how many cosy, batting eyelids candlelit one-on-one dinners Typo has with the LNP's Fighting Bantam (as he did a couple of weeks ago), he reverts true to type in the paper, with complete non-stories about an increasingly panicked Cuddlepie Wallace and Typo's other Labor masters.   

On the law'n'order front, if, as Gilbert and Sullivan decreed 'a policeman's lot is not a happy one'  (vale brave Gold Coast copper RIP, your sad example contrasts so dramatically with the widely publicised odd bad egg and the those risible clods trying to cyber-police Facebook), then the Queensland prison warders lot could be about to get a lot more trying in this nauseating nanny state (Ahem, that should be the grander description 'Corrective Service Officers '... sorry-not).

But it might be their own union bringing on this unexpected hardship, because the pooh bahs are contemplating making prisons no smoking establishments. They are being pushed to see this as a Workplace Health and Safety issue. HQ has been dragging its feet on this one, possibly weighing up the safety from lung cancer with the dangers of the really nastiest and most violent naughty munchkins in our society being denied the crims trademark 'fags for old lags'.

However, The Magpie has to admit that if the 'no fags for lags' law comes in, it will be the greatest crime deterrent seen in this state in 100 years. Really. And also a boon to society in another way. When someone is off the smokes for even three months, they'll think twice about both taking it up again and about going in again. And if they haven't been in, this is a very practical consideration to penetrate even their thick scones. Really.

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs' Bar, perhaps later to show some gentle maiden where the old bird wears his sweatband. And why.


  1. Conan the GrammarianJune 4, 2011 at 9:06 AM

    I still reckon that the Best Sports Malapropism title belongs to Darrell Eastlake during the Women's Weightlifting all those years ago (was it the Brisbane Commonwealth Games 1982?) "What a magnificent snatch!"

  2. C'mon Old Bird - they don't serve afternoon cocktails or maryjane cookies in Stuart either - and that don't stop the recidivists coming back for more hospitality at the Old Dart via the well-oiled revolving door. I really can't see some drunken lout resisting the impulse to punch some poor innocent bugger just because he may go without the White Ox for a while somewhere down the track well beyond past his ability to portend. Those sociopathic morons simply don't have that type of insight - if they did, they would not go around punching people in the first place, smokes or no smokes.

  3. Re cocktails and cookies ....wanna bet? But the more The `Pie thinks about it, in reference to career crimes who don't much mind an all expenses holiday, they just might think twice about break-ins and such. Drunks don't think once, but they might second time around.
    And Conan me ol' dear, that's a double entendre, not a malapropism. Which reminds the bird of the gal who walked into the cocktail bar and asked for a double entendre so the barman gave her one ... boom tish!