Friday, June 24, 2011

Praise for Labor (it's OK, you've got the right blog) and an infestation of detestation at The Astonisher, plus some special awards.

This week's Gucci In The Gob Award for a foot-in-the-mouth disease goes to the waffling member for Herbert, Ewen Jones. On ABC morning radio, our boyo was being put through the hoops by the ABC's Paula The Mauler Tapiolas. She quizzed him about a promised walkway on Magnetic Island, urgently needed to alleviate a dangerous situation which forced people to walk on the roadway.

The Mauler asked if funding money could not be forthcoming more quickly from some other government program.

Quoth the Jones boy,''I looked into getting money from the Roads Blackspot program, but unfortunately, not enough people have died'. Unfortunate indeed, damn those pesky people, no community spirit at all, eh, mate?

But The Magpie was relieved that our man didn't qualify for the other main award of the week, the image would be hard to erase, as you will find out when you read on.
This week's other award, The Thanks For Sharing Goblet, was cornered by the television snow bunny weather gal last Monday. Reporting from the snowfields, she shared with us the fact that 'I'm expecting another big dump next Tuesday'. These kids and their diets - It is to be hoped that no genteel Americans were watching.

A digression: The Magpie, whose favourite charity is the Queensland TAB, has always wondered about the darker corners of humorous endeavour exhibited in the naming of animals in the racing world. Such contemplations were stirred again earlier this week, when it was noted that dog 2 in race 4 at Bathurst was called Eureka Fannie. And right now, there is a handy gee-gee going around which some bucolic boofhead named My King Oath. It's a fair bet that race callers would have that particular owner in their crosshairs. 

But words are slippery little suckers, a fact of which the hierarchy in The Daily Astonisher's Ogden Street bunker are blissfully unaware - or actually, perhaps, of which they are willfully aware.

We'll soon see, because the clarion call has gone out from Labor HQ for all the faithful, foot-soldiers, self-interested urgers and those who need to repay favours (like jobs for relatives) to make a last gasp stand against the LNP's first realistic challenge since its inception.

And standing proud in the front rank, gold neck chain glinting in the sun, shirttail gayly flapping in the breeze and duds at their jaunty bum-crack revealing half-mast stands the saluting Typo Gleeson, the editor of what he has made the Labor Party's official organ in North Queensland, the Townsville Daily Astonisher.

And as usual, Typo (under the close guiding eye of GM Michael 'Shrek The Ogre' Wilkins) has entertained us all with his subtle talent to raise a cheery guffaw with his version of 'fair and balanced' (FAB) reporting. Alas, as far as Typo is concerned, FAB still remains just a washing powder.

Now, to be frank, The Magpie has been challenged by some over his on-going and insistent opposition to this lack of balance. But if The 'Pie doesn't tell Townsville what The Bulletin is up to, who will?

The Astonisher has long been a law unto itself and while happy to dish the dirt, spin stories and often impugn others without evidence, Typo and Shrek get somewhat shrill when their own performance comes under scrutiny. Especially when they get a reliably reported kick up the arse from their Sydney overlords about some of the issues raised in this blog.

So those who don't like to see The South's Own Paper getting a bit of its own back, it's going to be an unhappy year ahead, because the political fix is well and truly on. The campaign for state is heating up and Typo has started into his editorial promise to 'set the political agenda' for the community in which he has lived for so long - a couple of years at least.

Despite Typo's cosy candlelit dinner with Campbell The Fighting Bantam Newman during a recent visit, where there was a lot of metaphoric batting of eyelids and under-table footsy followed by a couple of days of ambivalent, lukewarm brown-nosing in the paper, The Astonisher now appears to have appointed Craig Cuddlepie Wallace as an honourary editor.   

The latest in this long line of biased boosterism in the news columns came this week.

The 'Pie initially thought it was just him, but then received four emails and two phone calls about the emotive, biased and laughably unwarranted use of the word 'detested' which turned a flimsy piece of flummery last Thursday into a blatant propaganda piece for an increasingly desperate Minister for Mean Roads and occasional member for Thuringowa. You can almost smell the fear on him.

The story, based on file searches which The Magpie will bet his left one emanated from Cuddlepie's office, told of the dastardly Major Newman officially informing military superiors in 1984 he would prefer not to serve in Townsville. (1984? Who'd want to? In those days, it was still a dry, dusty outpost, dozing along in the tropical sun.) This fact led on to the paper's conclusion that Newman 'detested' Townsville - whether the reporter used the word or, as is his habit, Typo inserted it, or it was just copied and pasted from a release isn't known, but it got into the paper anyway. Newman of course never said any such thing. This eristic conclusion was followed by a free kick from Cuddlepie, honking on about 'this is what we're in for' and the like. As usual, Newman's passed-on explanation that at the time he probably wanted to stay in Canberra near his girlfriend, came at the end of the overblown yarn. Read it here if you must.

Folks, there's pleny more ahead where that came from.

And there'll be plenty more of the same being pointed out.

The real fun will start when the campaign is officially declared on, because that's when The Astonisher, like all other media, must give equal time or space. Which must be fair and balanced. Expect an hilarious and spurious spin on that responsibility.

The most politically astute move which gained The Magpie's warble of approval came from the - gasp, you all right, 'Pie? -  Labor Party. Well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

The resignation of Kate Jones as a minister was masterly manoeuvre.
The situation was getting ever more difficult for Premier Blight, with her being anchored to Brisbane because of parliament while no such restriction hindered unelected Campbell Newman from wandering the length and breadth of the land, offering his unchallenged view of the world. It was doing damage to an already damaged party, but how to spike the Fighting Bantam's electoral guns?

Answer: get the Bantam's opponent in the seat of Ashgrove, Kate Jones to resign as a minister, freeing her to start her re-election campaign blitz in earnest. That will at least curtail the Bantam's ability to wander too far for too long from those whose electoral love he seeks. Clever move, with the double bonus of not being seen to be axing one of the most inept ministers in cabinet (and with Cuddlepie in the field, that's saying something).

But enough now, it is, as usual, away to Poseurs' Bar, to bebubble the night away, in the hope that the talk will move on from axed ministers to axminster and from an election to ... well, never mind, we'll see what comes up.


  1. 'Pie you are so right! I couldn't believe that Wallace would be such an inept fool as to rely on FOI stuff from 27 years ago to try and score a dirty political point. He's a buffoon! As for Kate Jones... we taxpayers are now paying for her to door knock for the next election rather than work to represent her electorate! Fed up Idalia!!

  2. On the issue of the nomenclature of horses, I've always been astonished at how few eyebrows are raised by our pussy's appellation i.e. Seymour.

  3. I recently attempted to place an "In Memorium" notice for my daughter. For the last 4 years, I have been using the same artwork that was composed by one of the local artists empoyed at the Bully Tin.
    This year I was informed that the artwork had been destroyed and nothing was kept more than seven days.
    The sweet young thing I was talking to had no problems telling me it was a cost cutting measure and that all such things were done "down south". (I did enquire as to whether she was a regular reader of your new blog, but she declined to comment - and in so doing, inferred that she was).
    The original artwork was kept on my home computer that crashed and died losing all data six months ago. Luckily for us, I had retained a copy of the artwork on my work computer.
    What a pack of bastards.
    How I long for for an alternative.

  4. And now Cuddlepie refers to himself as an "attack dog". One can only hope he's caught by a Kenworth licking himself in the middle of the Bruce holeway.

  5. The puff piece for Cuddlepie on Saturday was even more overt. Interestingly enough this story (an article it was not) was not available on-line. Which goes to show that after Thurs/Fri's flogging by the Bully bloogers, that you can teach an old 'attack'dog new tricks!