Saturday, February 8, 2014

And they said he'd never make it - The Magpie becomes a double centurion!

It is about to be your pleasure – or, if you are a lawyer, work for News Corp or Townsville Enterprise, or are certain TCC councillors, it may be your distasteful but essential duty – to peruse the old bird’s double century in cyberspace.

Yup, welcome to Magpie’s Nest blog #200.

But this regular load of cobblers is proof of the adage that the more things change, the more they stay the same, soooo …

To paraphrase the Creedence Clearwater ditty ‘Still I wonder, who’ll stop the drain’ – the latest readership figures show that the Townsville Bulletin’s readership is well and truly down the gurgler.

Returning the compliment: Simpo Templeton graced us with his assessment of councillors’ performances last week, so we thought this week, it's only fair we should start rating journos’ performances …

And is Kid Crisafulli seeking Federal office, with a bid to join Tony Rabbit’s new style diplomatic corps? He gets Quote of the Week, and political pest Paul Jacob gets joke of the week …  and wait, that’s not all,  The ‘Pie will throw in a few extra verbal steak knives as well at

First, breaking news, which greatly saddens The 'Pie.

First the Catholic Church, then the YMCA, also the Salvation Army, they've all been at it. 



Was that bloke in blue your schoolteacher?

Seems bowls is a lot more fun in ways other than just chatting up the white leghorns in the clubhouse. As they say, it looks the ideal way to widen the circle of your friends. But say it ain't so, Joe ... but alas, the back of the bus seems to confirm The 'Pie's darkest suspicions.

Hastily moving on.

To re-work the old cliché, you can take the boy out of journalism, but you can’t take the journalist out of the boy.

A worried looking Kid.

Minister for Rates Roads and (lots of) Rubbish, former journo David ‘The Kid’ Crisafulli has decided to tell it how it is – or at least how he sees it – with a policy of well-rehearsed spontaneous remarks about all sorts of issues. 

He has already inferred that the Courts of Justice should be replaced with the Courts of Revenge, a word that startled the wig and gown brigade recently. He followed that up with what appeared to be the view that armed vigilante groups out to stop juvenile thieves was ‘understandable’. He made no suggestion that this was highly illegal … carrying arms in public for any reason unless authorised to do so is an offence, as is meteing out ‘summary revenge’. (But The Kid's quote was in the Townsville Bulletin, so it may have been highly selective, with any qualification conveniently left out.)

But The Kid gets the Quote of this Week for his out-of-hand dismissal of yet another critic of the Newman Government’s new laws. 

An apparently caffeine-crazed Claire Mallinson,
her pointy head cut off by the camera.
Speaking about Townsville youth crime, The Kid trotted out an irrelevant and muddled-headed bit of NQ xenophobic populism when he gave Amnesty boss Claire Mallinson a free character reading. ‘I’m not going to be lectured to by some latte-sipping pointy head’, quoth The Kid.

Now here’s a bloke tailor-made for PM Tony Rabbit’s style of diplomacy.  He’d sort out those Indonesian whingers tout-bloody-suite, if you'll pardon my French. Especially that moaning minnie  president Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono. You can just hear it … ‘I’m not going to be lectured by some pointy head of state with a name like the background harmony to a 1950’s rock’n’roll tune. And he wears a silly hat’ 

There, that’d fix ‘im.

Indeed The Kid was on the warpath against the loathed ‘southerners’ (whom he also represents as minister but then, they're not in his electorate) but The ‘Pie agrees that sometimes, their effete ways can make you spit.

Try this menu note from a Melbourne café.

And that's THREE bloody dollars, thanks, sucker.

Ideal for John Ando Andersen to carry a few as he goes about his rural rounds out west. And what Melbourne does, Brissy won’t be far behind.

But sometimes, difficult situations can be handled with menacing wit, like this.

Moving back thisaway, they'll be needing a few espressos down at the Daily Astonisher about now.

Like an endless wave of bats coming out of the gloaming, those chickens keep arriving home to roost for the Townsville Bulletin.

The latest readership figures from the Gary Morgan group confirm that the editorial policy is right off the readership rails, leaving the most dynamic city in north Queensland without any authoritative or trusted voice in print anymore.

In the 12 months to December, The Townsville Bulletin has shed close to an astounding 30% of its readership, Monday to Friday, down from an average of 65,000 readers in 2012 to a dismal 47,000 over 2013. Saturday’s faired better, but still lost around 4%, dropping 3000 readers, from 81,000 to 78,000, propped up by the property guide and reasonably good long-form reads in the magazine insert.

Here's the state carnage.

Read in thousands L to R, weekdays 2012-weekdays 2013, weekends 2012, weekends 2013. 

Using the same News Corp ‘one-size-fits-all’ hysterical tabloid format, Cairns didn’t travel much better although Cath Webber looks as though she might have slowed the train wreck down a bit on the Gold Coast. Not so Typo Gleeson, whose dead-hand touch has seen the Sunday Mail alienate a further 114,000 more  readers, and slide even further away from the once-proud million+ readership.

So indeed, with apologies to Pete seeger, 
‘Where have all the readers gone,
Long time gasping.’

Since we appear to be on a musical theme, the second line of ‘Who’ll stop the rain’ ….

‘Clouds of mystery pourin’ confusion on the ground’

… seems apt to introduce the first of our Astonisher reporter assessments, that being of Anthony Simpo Simpleton.


You will remember Simpo last week deigned to share with us his wisdom and insight into local politics with individual assessments of each TCC councilor. So, in the first of this week’s three assessments, The ‘Pie will employ all the balance, insight and generous judgment of an unbiased spirit that Simpo employed in his own blockbuster review.

Name: Anthony ‘Simpo’ Templeton
Born: So it is believed, although aliens have been mentioned. Wherever, it wasn’t here.

Simpo (a cruel and undeserved jibe on Simpleton by inferiors) is known amongst his colleagues as a modest, self-effacing reporter with a sweet nature that makes him a favorite in the Astonisher newsroom. Always willing to help others less talented than himself – i.e all the other staff, and everybody he has ever worked with -  he selflessly gives of himself to help others in their less stellar careers. Possessed of a sly, self-deprecating sense of humor, he is often heard laughing merrily with his colleagues and with councillors in Walker Street at the latest weak attempt at drollery by his one public critic but secret admirer, The Magpie.

As a tribute to his professionalism, Simpo has taken out more of the Editor’s weekly MIM (Molehills Into Mountains) Awards than any of the other very deserving candidates, for his uncanny ability to turn a two-par positive story into a front page negative. (See Saturday's Pallarenda waterpark story). He is particularly adept at this unique talent on council matters. He is quite rightly the envy of his peers, who all wish they were him.

His humour is understated to the point that some of his colleagues mistakenly believe he is either humorless or drunk most of the time.  But anyone who can say of Les Messagebank Walker that ‘he is readily available for residents with concerns’ obviously possesses a subversive sense of fun … and the absurd. As does Mayor Mullet, who favors him with secret little morsels, as a dowager gives treats to her favourite lapdog.

The ‘Pie was all set to award Simpo a well-deserved A+, but somehow, he got wind that assessment was coming up, so he begged The Pie (in a dream, which is where The ‘Pie gets all his reliable information for this blog) not to mark him up, because, by his own high standards, he believes he should have done better … and did not want to further embarrass those who struggle to keep up with his example at the paper. So …

Anthony 'Simpo' Templeton. F minus

Kate' I Can't Believe I'm Not Married Yet' Higgins.

Name: Kate Higgins
Born: Yes, although we’re yet to see the column giving us the fascinating details of her 'term', including her kicking regime preceding her emergence.

Kate, a somewhat shy and withdrawn lass -  colleagues have trouble getting a word out of her– obviously saves her innermost thoughts for her weekly column. Her wide ranging curiosity, which she is unstintingly willing to share with us, has let us into the mysteries of knitting, (booties for her kittens are on the cards) moving house, what she thinks about Christmas, and that she keeps ticket stubs from her lively lifestyle. And this is just touching the surface a deep well of fascinating experiences.

A master (mistress?) of the graphic word picture, Kate spun a magically evocative web of imagery when she once wrote an article about the current obsession with body shape, which included these lines which you will always remember … or at least never be able to forget - 

'It's been touted as the next box gap - which is the idea the tops of your thighs should be so devoid of fat they don't touch. I don't know about the rest of you, but the only gap between my thighs may someday double as a birth canal.'
Yes, quite … and thank you, Jane Austen.
Kate has a cornucopia of subjects with which to delight us in the future, but she continues to hold out on the ones for which we clamor. She firmly refuses to reveal the secrets of how she folds her washing,  the order in which she washes her body parts in the shower (and her private names for same), or the reasons behind her obsessional love of Twinings English Breakfast tea. She’s a tease, but we’ll hang on in there.
With a talent and future like Kate’s there is one Jane Austen line in  Pride and Prejudice which the editor will never utter to her, viz
'That will do extremely well, child. You have delighted us long enough. Let the other young ladies have time to exhibit.'
For her tireless efforts, The ‘Pie awards Jane … errr … Kate a D+.
Daniel Master Bateman (circa 2029)

Name: Daniel Master Bateman
Born: Perhaps
Daniel Master Bateman writes with such authority on weighty matters (‘Beetroot offends me’, ‘UFO Seen Near JCU’ ) that our artist Bentley took him to be much older than the (presumably) 30 something he is, so the portrait shows how Daniel will look in 15 years time.
Master Bateman is very much a ‘curate’s egg’ journalist if ever there was one. Good in parts. Deciding which part is sometimes tricky.
As a social commentator, Master Bateman is about as  successful as a rain gauge franchisee in Cloncurry.
He seems to be one of these folk who will rise without a trace, so The ‘Pie will just award him a C+ .
Some more journo assessments in future blogs.
One bloke is sore need of an assessment – by chaps in white coats carrying restraints - is co-founder of the lovable laughables the Townsville Ratepayers  Association, Paul Jacob.

He is the instigator of this on-line petition which will go before parliament later this year. 

Note the tsunami of outraged interest: 26 signatures, which our man assures us will be - oh, maybe a thousand by the closing date. These fevered folk will seek a CMC investigation into what he claims are links between developers and Townsville City councilors. And by that, he of course means hanky panky links. 

The local MP, David The Kid Crisafulli agreed to ‘sponsor’ the petition, a requirement for petitions to reach the house floor. That is the term used in The Astonisher, but it certainly doesn’t mean endorsement of or approval for the purpose. 

The Kid believes as the local member, it isn’t up to him to pick and choose what petitions are valid, he has a duty to accept and take forward all and any legally constituted E-petitions.  Although The Kid made no comment, The ‘Pie gets the impression that the Minister for Local Government shares The ‘Pie’s opinion which involves the words snowball, chance and hell. 

Jacob’s clear inference is that councillors’ are on the take in one form or another. Evidence would be handy, old son, but there seems to be a distinct and complete lack of any sane proof – or even smoking gun indication - of any misconduct. This is the sort of paranoid idiocy that makes our town a laughing stock – the 26 people who’ve signed up should hang their lolling heads in shame.
But it appears Closeau Jacob, ever desperate to ride his Ratepayers Association  to a seat on council, has received a neat kick in the electoral nuts. Those self-appointed ninnies (and, oh, hi, Daves, both of you) have shown their true colours by deciding they will not be fielding any council candidates come next election. They believe … wait for it … they will be more effective staying on the sidelines and making their points over milky tea and Ice VoVos. Herr Jacob is said to be livid with this decision, and is ready kick over some walking frames.
Poor dear, it is so naughty of The Magpie to mock the afflicted.

Finally, this, without comment, but who needs science.

Well, it's away to Poseurs' Bar in 2014, when it is considerably hotter than 2006, so the old bird will be seeking first hand scientific knowledge of progression in this field from some suitable lass. He hopes that in this particular area he finds nothing.





  1. pie,

    Will we be hosting the first gay bowling tornament?
    Gold ball medals.

  2. Too funny, Pie. Fsntastic cartoons of the Germalists.

  3. It must have been a downer of a week at the Astonisher. No cyclones only news about Shapelle's immanent release and military news. Both written for staff, I presume.

    Funny report card.

  4. These are very sad and scary readership figures for the Bulletin. The numbers are symptomatic of a general decline worldwide of the print media -- mostly due to the growing strength of internet news sources -- but Townsville is certainly faring worse than most.
    Any person involved in print media would be well advised to start researching and training for other career opportunities before it's too late. Readers of my era, who treasure newspapers, are rapidly falling off the perch (no reflection on you,'Pie).

  5. I don't like the digital web version. It looks similar to the Daily Telegraph

  6. Lachlan, the iditor will probably receive a promotion. Lol
    recently, i watched another Sunday iditor working for tv nine. Neil Brennan.
    Times must be tough if he's reporting sport.

  7. A good report card Pie. As for Simpo's offering in yesterday's Astonisher - a so called council bureaucratic bungle over Cr Pat Ernest's thought bubble water world at Pallarenda? You've got to be kidding! All he did was make some inquiries and asked to pay costs for same - as per council process. And Simpo calls it a council bungle?? He has no shame what so ever and should be sacked. He just doesn't get it. Another example that continues to add to the paper's death spiral.

    1. As The Pie said in the blog, still they wonder, who'll stop the drain. But you have it in a nutshell, Bully Boy ... they just don't get it. And worse, they just don't care because they don't have to (see further comment from The 'Pie below).

  8. A rip snorter week!!!!!!!!

  9. Do these readership figures include online readers or o my hard copy sales?

    1. No, they are hard copy sales (circulation) and readership only. The big boys down south are now doing integrated hard copies/on-line figures to make things look more palatable for advertisers, and some mastheads have had a strong on-line response.

      In the case of The Astonisher, these figures remain a closely guarded secret, and whatever advertisers are told should be taken with a grain of salt. But they well know they are the only game in town, and are hardly going to go broke. Perhaps a bit later there will be some sort of integrated figure, but they're going to have to do a lot of work to tidy up their site, which is more error-ridden than this one-bird-band of a blog (and that's sayin' something!).

  10. I await your report on Mr galloways effort to date. He seemed to miss out on the attention the other reporters received.

  11. Always good to have a read of your news,

    Lucky we pay for the Bully to get delivered, The Sun, which has all the news for us Seniors, is a different matter.

    Delivery person, goes on holiday and we in Kelso are deprived, yet again, being the end of the road unless Paul Jacob and his mates get their way and get Pinnacles developed.
    A comment from one of his followers, The owners of the Property are such nice people? These people don’t investigate the whole picture?.

    Like Crisafulli’s down to earth comments, it is about time Officials in this Country walked the streets and heard what the public, in their electorates really think.
    And if they Would introduce the cane or the cat o nine tails, our jails would be crying out for criminals, they would be so empty....
    No person like to feel the pain they dish out to others returned, the loss and dirty feelings that one feels after they have been robbed and all their personal belongings refiled through
    The memories of such remain with you for a life time, but DO GOODERS, again, stop the process, can’t hurt anyone physically, that is too harsh! We need to talk to them?
    Talk, did your Mother talk twice to you? Second time in my house was a back hander and never did me harm, I learnt real quick.

    Enjoy the rain, enjoy every sunrise.

  12. Geez, Ding Dong, you running for office again on a Madam Lash ticket? You'd win!!

    1. Yes Ding Dong was one the better performing Councillors..

    2. What's happened to the other 8 shadow Councillors (Of course excluding Moyle/Jacob) Very Mute.

  13. Note to Black Tracker (as you call yourself).. Best you head back to Text the Editor, but even then, your unpublished comment to the Nest wouldn't see the light of day even there. You are one of the many little social melanomias in this community, trying it on with accusations 'that soon will be revealed'. What's the hold-up? If you've got any proof of the dribble you are spouting, let's have, documented and irrefutable. Until then, keep pacing your darkened room, muttering to yourself, and leave the rest of us in peace, you poor mutt.

  14. ALWAYS GOOD, always entertaining.


    Miss Lou.

  15. Thanks 'Pie! I was wondering where my green granny knickers had gone to... Glad to see they've been put to good use!

  16. If only I could sip a cocktail with the beautiful Lady Byron on Valentines day.

  17. Fair enough if Simpi was a good jerno. He's not, therefore the ego needs to go.

    Nice illustrations of the jernos this week.

    I'd like to see the iditor and Raggot.

  18. 200? That's great!

  19. It's Monday 7am, and the Astonisher hasn't changed it's website since Saturday. Isn't this supposed to be a daily?

    Isn't that FALSE impression that it is?

  20. Judging by a letter to the editor in the T/B Mon 10/2 Media pest Paul Jacob appears to to have a new soul mate in (nice guy) Mayoral Candiate in 2012 Brendon Porter . Jacob aligned himself with Jimieson although from the letter Jacob claims he held hands with Porter...Anything to keep your name in lights.....

  21. If there was a team's event in the Downsville slalom at Sochi, the Katter Party would be odds to be the lastest downhill team anywhere. It looks like the Mad Katter's Party is just about over, and Bob himself is on his last electoral legs.

    The latest blow came in the Griffith by-election, where te KAP was even belted on first preference of the Pirate Party.

    Senator Ian Macca Macdonald hasn't wasted any time gleefully laying the boot. He chucked this little media grenade this morning.

    'The result in the Griffith by-election on Saturday showed voters again had no interest in the Katter’s Australian Party set up by Kennedy MP, Bob Katter, according to fellow North Queenslander Senator Ian Macdonald.
    “Their candidate in Griffith couldn’t even match the first preferences of the Pirate Party,” Senator Macdonald said.
    “The Griffith by-election result demonstrates again that the Katter’s Australian Party experiment has failed.”
    Senator Macdonald said that the universally poor showing of KAP candidates in the 2013 election, and the huge swing against Mr Katter himself in his own electorate of Kennedy showed that the Australian public had no confidence in the Party, its policies or its leader'.

    1. People who think they are a messiah are generally on the slippery slope to oblivion. As a journo who
      turned to the PR dark side, I knew it was time to bale out whenever clients started to believe they were as good as I had them portrayed.

  22. What an environmentally economical bit of management by that Danish zoo which shot 18 month old giraffe Marius and then fed it to lions, tigers and bears. No waste, no mess, no burial or cremation costs and cuts down on the food bill (both ways ... Marius won't be turning up at chow time anymore).

    And then there was the entertainment value, with a vet graphically decsribing how the giraffe was enticed to bend his head forward for his favourite snack of rye bread and had his brains blown out from behind.

    (Hmmm, be a good threat to children misbehaving at the dinner table 'Jimmy, remember what happened to Marius, After sis last night, Daddy is just reloading .... now eat your broccoli.')

    The truly bizzare part of this hardly delightful Danish tale was the vet then proceeded to dissect Marius in front of visitors, including children. Marius was apparently surplus to requirements and was dragging down the gene pool.

    Hey, there's an idea and a motive for the cash strapped Astonisher's Christmas party. Here's what you do. Offer Simpo Templeton some rye bread and .......

    (Of course, if you did it to Attila the Hen, there'd be enough tucker for a week-long BBQ. Your choice, Lachy.)

    1. Insanity at it's best.

      Shows humans at their worst.

  23. Congrats on making it to the double century Pie. I have been here for every one and enjoyed the musings every Saturday. Keep them coming - still love your work.

  24. Congratulations, 200th.

    A good read, pie.

    1. And he doesn't look a day over 199.

  25. Paul Jacob running with Brendan porter? Who would have thought!

    1. I would have thought Brendon Porter would have had more brains ?

    2. Now now Ned, believe it when Brendan Porter says it, not when Paul Jabberer says it.

  26. Well, Mr Anon, my tastes are rather expensive and I do not think the 'Pie would welcome his delightful blog becoming a "lonely hearts" column?

  27. No local news in Monday's online page. It's Shapelle!

  28. Simpo is what Simpi boo hop scat diddly sue shop blue tops

    1. The above is published in support of the Legalise Recreational Drugs initiative ... and a return to scat singing. Go Ella Fitzgerald.

  29. Well silly me! Just when I thought Kate Higgins might be showing some maturity in her opinion piece about the media's obsession with all things Shapelle Corby, its back to her old juvenile thinking. To suggest that Bali's tough drub laws could be promoted to travelers with a DVD of the Shapelle telemovie when they buy airlines tickets is plain childish. And that the editor allows such drivel is a poor reflection on his editorial judgement and goes to his credibility...but as before, the paper thumbs its nose at readers and this community

    1. I positive it will prove a much greater deterrent that the signs that say 'We will shoot you." That, apparently, is too subtle for the Jetstar brigade as there are no pictures.

  30. Paul Anderson of PimlicoFebruary 11, 2014 at 6:51 AM

    God's teeth! This morning in the Astonisher's online 'We Recommend' section: 'Cyclone Brewing in Coral Sea'...from January 27th! It was gone after I refreshed the page, but still...

  31. Cath Wobbers tv comments on Toyota and Billabong are silly.

    Billabong went belly up.


    Note, there's no Townsville Bulletin in there..

    Also, had a chuckle at romantic Emmy's romantic blurb. Will she remain silent and forgive Mickey for his lap dancer ways?

  33. Happy 200 pie. Congrats.

  34. It looks like the Townsville Ratepayers comment column.

  35. WTF?!?

    Did you see that photoshopped pic of Shapelle in front of a promo pic of the resort in the Bully? And not a mention that it was a fake, just a picture byline! Disgraceful! When I saw it I presumed they had lifted it from the Tele or somewhere, but I can’t see it anywhere else, so it’s obviously their own work. Someone should complain to the Press Council.

    1. Where's the link Mad?

    2. 9.45 AM - Council reporter Anthony Templeton just took a phone call for what could be an amazing Valentine’s Day story about homesickness and tidal patterns.

      He is about to head off to Planning and Developing committee meeting to get a gauge on how the city’s economy is going.

      Stars Stars Stars in the making Pie! HA!

      10.45 AM - OUR court reporter Emma Channon is covering the trial for the man accused of killing Jessica Lance in a high-speed car crash.

      11.00 AM – HEALTH and science reporter Daniel Bateman will be headed to a Press conference at 11.45am.

  36. Pie, You've got to read this..

    9.18 AM - The reporters are rolling into work and making their morning calls.

    They are spending this time to organise the day before heading out on stories.

    For example: As it's a daily newspaper, it will be interesting to see if the story Bateman covers is published tomorrow.


    Oh dear MM forgets about Natalie's flirting with Mickey!

  38. I made a vow not to pretend interest in the ridiculous frenzy over a vapid, drug-dealing little trollop and the rest of her bogan family. Apart from idly wondering why the vacca foeda considered it necessary to hide her face from the media…must have had some really bad zits that day, ‘cause she never had any problems posing for the cameras in the past. Maybe it was a condition of her $2M deal with Seven.

    But the following caused a mild chuckle when it arrived in the inbox….

    “Corby was sentenced to twenty years in jail back in 2005 during the height of John Howard’s Prime Ministership. She was released in 2014 during what we’re probably going to look back on as the height of the Tony Abbott Prime Ministership. She was therefore behind bars during the whole Kevin Rudd/Julia Gillard/oh no wait Kevin Rudd era, and so may be operating under the assumption that Labor is a credible political party.
    This would make her unique amongst Australian citizens (including actual members of the Australian Labor Party), and Labor would be well served to seize upon this. Maybe get her to cast an early ballot in the 2016 election before she reads up on it. But instead of voting specifically for Bill Shorten, best leave it blank. Just in case.
    Before anyone points out that Corby would have heard about the Labor debacles inside prison, you should remember that Australian news is often dominated by nonsense stories, like, say, wall-to-wall coverage of pretty drug smugglers getting parole, so she may well have missed it.”

    Hah. Hah.

    1. Conan the Grammarian (in hiding)February 14, 2014 at 8:17 PM

      Let's see if we can upset the estate of the late King of Pop as well as that adorable family in the Great Scrote East:

  39. This live blog will be interesting to see what dribble goes on in their.
    world. Yes, we can cross check to see if stories become crusty and old.
    It's like an episode of the office ...

  40. Live blog, live schmog! Drivel to make them seem relevant. And the hypocrisy of today's page one, Er- Gone story. Big deal the CEO doesn't have to live in Townsville - parochial drivel yet again. And didn't the Astonisher shift its NQ manager south or make the position redundant and sack 38 staff? And build new offices in the "new CBD" which is actually on the fringe of the CBD. Just incredible!

    1. They're trying to make themselves appear important.

      It's a page filler. Following 'real' reporters's daily stories.

    2. What a fucking kindergarten!They must love giving you and your readers more ammunition. The editor has to be a total dipshit.
      Just roared at the story about the ill-fated Marius. You handled it with great wit.
      The Comments section of the blog is coming along in leaps and bounds. Every time I open it I feel like Igor, Dr Frankenstein's offsider. I get the urge to call you shouting: "MATHTER, IT LIVTH!! And in the back of my mind is a picture of all the Bulletin staff members advancing on your nest, carrying flares and waving pitchforks.

    3. Have they lost their minds completely?

      What demented person came up with that blog idea? If people won't read the paper, what makes them think they'll read a gormless, amateurish blog WHICH WILL GIVE ANYONE SILLY ENOUGH TO READ IT AN EXCELLENT EXCUSE TO SAVE THEIR MONEY THE NEXT DAY AND NOT BUY THE PAPER.

      Is this a copy of some southern idea? What a crock, and The Magpie is mortified ... he no longer has a stranglehold on making fun of The Astonisher and their staff - 'Simpo's Valentine's Day 'reveal' about homesickness and tidal charts' - they're doing themselves over.

      Astounding, to say the least.

      But love the idea of spoof Bulletin blogs ... all efforts welcomed.

    4. Furthermore, they are committing the cardinal journalistic sin -- giving other media a heads-up on stories (?) to come.

    5. Live blog spoofs for readers to make up.

      Tempos phone pics on live blog are award winning.

      Mayor looks like she's put on weight.

  41. The funniest exclusive image of Shapelle free, should have been her by the exclusive pool with the boogie board.

  42. I wonder if they will accurately report on the happenings in their own office such as what Simpo Simpleton is really doing all day. His agenda is so obvious too all. He is a cancer on Townsville and should be cut out. From all accounts he is desperately angling to become the Bulletin's state political reporter as he has been told he will never make it to the Courier Mail. Pity to have such big dreams but never even be allowed through the door. But maybe he should just give up like the pathetic creten he is.

    1. The correct spelling is cretin

    2. Yup, 'creten' is wrong even if Simpo came from Crete ... that would be Cretan - which by the way, has no relationship to the word cretin, which was description of what nanny staters now call 'developmentally delayed' people living in certain valleys and alps in France.

      Whether this is a fair spray at Simpo, though, The Pie leaves tom your judgement, given that the Urban Dictionary definition is (in part)
      'A Person that is: brainless, stupid, child-like, and full of pointless information that makes no sense and appeals only to other cretins'.

      Sound s bit like an editorial policy.

  43. Live blog.

    Day 2

    live update with stories from yesterday.
    It's live though, golly gosh.

  44. 815: coffee
    Sniff asbestos in office and admire umberella art work in office foyer.

    900am brown nose still of the gun for promotion.

    10 am first assignment. Cute kids.
    11 am. Coffee
    12 @am file story.


    2pm. update Facebook page
    3pm brown nose iditor

  45. No update on live blog.

  46. 9:10 arrive work - check that bastard Weatherup's blog. Phew! Nothing about me today.

    10:10 just wasted an hour stroking Templeton's hair and convincing the little turd that he really, really is a very good journalist and that he should pay no mind to that bastard Weatherup.

    11:30 Check that bastard Weatherup's blog - still no mention of me, but a really good lead on a story. Shall get onto that tomorrow.

    12:00 staff meeting - warned (again) about that bastard Weatherup.

    1:00 Lunch. Spotted Tempo and some old tart holding hands down the end of Palmer Street. She looked kinda familiar.

    2:10 Asked Tempo about the oldie. He goes all coy on me and won't discuss it - says that he is too busy with some hot news about the council.

    2:15 Check that bastard Weatherup's blog. Shit. Some prick Anon poster just had a go at me.

    2:30 counselling session.

    3:10 Checked that bastard Weatherup's blog.

    4:00 investigating lead about something to do with Ingham Road getting flooded in heavy rains.

    4:30 Crikey! Just remembered that I have a column to write tomorrow. Check that bastard Weatherup's blog for ideas - nothing.

    5:10 Facebook came to the rescue again. 15 paragraphs on how hard it is for me to get a girlfriend.

    5:15 Check that bastard Weatherup's blog.

    6:00 Finally! Someone left first. I can go now.

    6:10 Checked that bastard Weatherup's blog.

    1. Which Astonisher journalist are you pretending to be Grumpy? Clearly not Simpo Simpleton.

    2. Grumpy, you have made my day complete. Like Anon (below) I laughed until the tears ran down my leg. As to which journo you are satirising, it sounds like a composite. Several now refer to "that bastard Weatherup ", but others take a guilty delight in his musings (droppings?). A-plus on your report card.

  47. 4pm - laughed till I cried and stopped 3 times to catch breath to continue reading this post. Lunch now repeating on me, sinus playing up and gammy foot aching...was worth it!

  48. Is Clive Palmer a hazardous waist?

  49. Paul Anderson of PimlicoFebruary 14, 2014 at 7:25 AM

    Well, at least the name they’ve chosen for the Astonisher’s wretched ‘live blog’ exercise is an apposite one: if you’re ‘behind the Bully’, you’re conveniently positioned to sweep up its leavings.
    And while everyone’s been handing out grades here, one Astonisher regular who’s managed to escape scrutiny thus far is their resident mummy-blogger. I don’t know what enhancing function this feature is meant to bring to the paper, but its longevity utterly eludes me. It’s been facetiously written of Vivaldi that he didn’t write 400 concertos, but rather he only wrote one and then copied it 399 times. Same idea here, without the toe-tapping catchiness - just an endless variation on the single theme of how great it is to be a mummy. You would think that with all the parenting ‘advice’ out there that there wouldn’t be anything left to say on the subject. But, here we are, week after week, subjected to THE MOST insufferably saccharine dreck. And assigning the moniker ‘journalist’ to the byline seems (on the surface) a bit of a reach. I can’t recall seeing the author in any other context in the paper, and where’s the ‘journalism’ in writing about your own kids? Furthermore, anybody who defines their existence by their offspring to such an extreme degree (as looks to be the case in this instance) is in for an awfully rude awakening when the cherubs turn into sullen teenagers and then move out...

  50. Err, bit of the mark there is a couple of ways, Paul.

    As Bettina Giardina, Mrs Warburton was no less than Chief of Staff for some (very memorable) years, and was, to The Pie's limited knowledge, a competent general journalist with a uni background.

    Indeed, when she left the paper to start some serial whelping, she came up with the idea for the baby segment. And although it is a subject with nil interest to the old bird (and you, obviously), it seems a good idea for a broad section of readership who want to control and outwit their little snots.

    And writing about kids is always going to have saccharine moments of the 'mummy's ickle darling' variety,it goes with the territory.

    Of course, anything seems a good idea next to Text the Editor, openly boased council reporting and the wonderfully dopey Daily Blog.

    And if you get to see this Bettina - as if you won't! - The Pie always knew you'd make the front page as you did recently ... but he always thought it would because you murdered him, not mothered a fine looking brood.

    1. Must agree with the 'Pie. In my many dealings with Bettina during more than 15 years in Townsville I found her to be professional, fair-minded and well able to discern what was newsworthy. I wish her and her family all the best.

  51. Astonisher's live blog finishes @ 3 pm on Fridays. Almost public servant like.

    Time for their drinkies.