Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Full-Frontal Naked Magpie, Two Meatheads and Titters All Round.

'Tis the season to light-hearted and light-headed and all that malarkey, so over the holiday period, unless something of import happens, The Magpie will give politics a miss and concentrate on the inconsequential.
Jeez, wot a bluddy change, the Greek chorus chants in the background.

First a seasonal jest. We've all heard about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, but have you heard of Rudolph the brown-nosed reindeer? He could run as fast as the others, he just couldn't pull up as quickly.

No, no, just kidding, c'mon back, keep reading, it can only get better. Obviously.

There was one item of news this week which outraged The Magpie.

He has nothing but understanding and great empathy for those footballers whose pix in the nuddy were plastered all over Facebook by some apparently sports groupie doxie (read: sullen, pimply, mentally meandering wannabe little hopeful).

The Magpie identifies closely with these victims of Dikileaks, for the old bird personally knows oh-so-well the dilemma, the shame, oh, the lingering tarnish on the House of Magpie; for he himself has had pictures of himself in all his naked glory - gasp - posted on the internet!

And while the images attracted the interest of at least one pert young lady, who it must said, filled out her Queensland Police uniform quite nicely thank you, The Magpie was forced to take them down from his website, where he had posted them.

Our prim young officer turned out to be a cruel little minx, pointing and laughing so much she could hardly get out the words `I charge you with being a pubic  … err, sorry, public, har, har, har, nuisance, hey, Harry, c'mon `ave a …snurffle … look at this. Oh, gawd, anyone got a tissue'.

As said, oh, the shame.

Of course, it doesn't end there … the magistrate will hear the matter early next year, and will be forced to view the offending images. But bugger that, this blameless old bird wants to be judged in the court of public opinion, and so will now show you the so-called tasteless pix.
But be warned, those of you who may be prim and prissy yourselves (a typical reader), the images following shows … umm … areas of The Magpie anatomy that have hitherto been the sole preserve of his GP and, on the one memorable occasion when the light left on, his then COCC (Current Companion Of Choice).  Talk about pointing and laughing!! (But we did save on power bills after that).
Ready? Here they are (blush).

and worse
Speaking of scary images, old mate and well-known Townsville slicer and dicer in the meat trade, Neville White, is back in the saddle again … that would be saddle of lamb presumably, as our man is back wielding the blades over the chopping block.

Nev sold his booming Butcher on Bundock business a few years ago, (which is still booming away today) and he went off to visit his property in his native Tasmania `to get a few bucket list items attended to'.

But the siren call of the tropics was always there, and Nev and wife Kerrie were soon back in town, and earlier this year, bought the Foodworks store on the corner of Landsborough and Warburton streets in North Ward.

A month or so ago, when the conditions of the B on Bundock sale lapsed as per contract, Nev decided to add a modest meat operation to the store. The `backroom butchery' has the clever marketing ploy of requiring customers to walk through the aisles of deli and fruit/vegetable goodies, so they can get their meat and three veg in one hit. 
Nev cheerfully admits to being a native Tasmaniac, proudly coming from the state where school kids run around at playtime high-sevening each other. 
And it would appear from the pic he provided to The Magpie, some things grow back like old growth forest when one returns home across Bass Strait. In the background, it also looks like ET has returned to help him out with his new venture.

It seems to have been a week of fascinating and scary images, The Magpie came across another one that he daren't try to illustrate. Browsing over an article in The New York Times about the smartest ideas of the year, the old bird fell into deep contemplation at the following bit of information. 

The Bra Mask

`Treating victims of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster in 1986, the Ukrainian scientist Elena Bodnar realized that her patients could have drastically reduced their radiation poisoning if they’d had immediate access to even a crude air filter. This fall she commercially introduced the Emergency Bra, whose cups can be separated and converted into face masks.' 
Now apart from the inevitable expansion of blokes' boofy failed pick-up lines, and hoax radiation alarms, this excellent idea is more favourable to some rather than others.
Kate Moss is in big trouble, (perhaps small trouble?) but The Magpie mind flew immediately to Dolly Parton, whose bedtime dresser mirror sees bigger fallouts than Chernobyl every night. Should Ms Parton's farm ever be threatened with dangerous radiation, she would not only be able to save herself, but also a couple of her favourite horses. Or, should one be nearby, all the kids in a medium size orphanage.

And as far as The Magpie is concerned, even if the idea doesn't work, what a way to go, blissful smiles all round.

Speaking of going and smiles, it is now away to Poseurs Bar, in the hope of convincing a suitably endowed gal to join the old bird in an experiment at The Magpie's nest. This will take the form of a safety drill involving possible radiation from his microwave oven, which he moved into the bedroom this morning.

And may both you readers have a Merry Christmas, more drivel next week.

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