Friday, April 1, 2011

Cowardy Custard's Last Stand, And Lindy Finally Agrees That The Magpie Has Been Right All Along

Ho ho wot fun!!
Cuddlepie Wallace, the local political cowardy custard, is making what looks like being his last stand against the circling LNP indians.

But so far, our man has shown no signs of panic, calmly raising his electoral blunderbuss, taking careful aim ... and blowing off not one but both his own feet.

This enthralling display of marksmanship has at least had the beneficial effect of stopping those LNP indians in their tracks, as they scratch their headfeathers in wonder and wait for the next move from Two-Dog ... err, General Custard.

The first shot came earlier in the week, when our Minister for Mean Roads, who one would think had loftier things to do like think up more plausible excuses for not fixing the Bruce Highway, suddenly developed a keen interest in the arts - and even more mysteriously, in local council affairs.

In one of the least creative but risibly transparent exercises in flapdoodle, Cuddlepie announced to a breathless gaggle of gullible reporters - not one of whom had a single obvious question for him - that the proposed new entertainment/conference centre at Dean Park would cost each and every ratepayer an extra $100 a year. 

It wouldn't, and a single phone call to the council would have shot this duck before it got off the ground, but Townsville media doesn't easily give up a space filler like this.

And to this end, because he apparently still had suspcions that some ratepayers were hankering to hand over more of their hard-earned in increased rates, Cudllepie announced he had printed 15000 pamphlets (hmmm, taxpayer-funded no doubt?) for distribution in his electorate, asking if ratepayers wanted higher rates. 

Well, duh! 

This piece of arch idiocy was instantly seen for what it was by many a punter, none of whom like being treated like catatonic idiots (although given the parade of time-serving bum polishers we've elected over the years, the jury is still out on our sanity).

But it was ... blam!!! One foot down, one to go. This was a hidden agenda about as well concealed as Pamela Anderson's upper reaches. 

And the second foot went west on Thursday with Cowardy Cuddlepie's kack-handed effort to lure the Townsville Council into a political dry gulch and do it some mischief. 

After about 400 years of Labor rule from Brisbane (what, not that long? you sure?) all of a sudden, Cuddlepie announces that his mob have at long last found a $12million half-share to floodproof Blakeys Crossing - conditional on the council ponying up the other half. The clear idea was that the council would not have the funds to do so and be forced to demur (or raise rates), leaving it to be damned if it did and damned if it didn't, and thus serving Labor's local government push back to power. 

But it didn't quite work out that way. 

In fact, this lumbering bit of buffoonery gave Farmer Tyrell the rare opportunity for a crotch-kick, pointedly turning the tables by declaring the offer 'a good start' but he reckoned he could do better for the ratepayers 'because this is an election year' and will see what other offers materialise. Cuddlepie had that look of a bloke who'd just caught his personal appendage in his fly zipper.

Adding to the arrant nitwittery of this insulting game playing was the statement from Mandy The Party Parrot Johnstone, member for Townsville who wittered on (on the ABC) that she didn't want this to become political, it was just a generous gesture from a lovin', carin' guvvmint. Newsflash, Parrot me old dear - you ARE a bloody politician, so anything you do or say IS political. To suggest otherwise could lead to some people concluding - and many others getting the final proof - that you are a political twerp. Your long list of good deeds in the community before politics do not make up for this sort of intelligence-insulting twaddle.

Maybe you might like to take a leaf out of Cuzzin Lindy's book. After denying it for more than a year in some quarters, and freely admitting it in others, Lindy FIFO Nelson-Carr has finally fallen on her sword.

Lindy, basically a woman too nice to be a politician and who was thrust into the job only at the last minute when hubby Russ, the originally anointed one, was deemed a norty little boy by his party, has finally made an honest bird of The Magpie.

You see, the old bird has been reporting this political demise for more than 12 months. But no hard feelings, Lindy old girl, about all those somewhat earthy opinions you've expressed about The `Pie when people asked you about his reporting your retirement - the words 'that's just that bloody Weatherup' featured in the numerous and diverse reports down the MagpieFone. One can be confident you will now be singing his praises as a prescient and fair commentator on the local scene heh heh heh. One can, can't one? Oh, really?

Other matters. The 'Pie understands that while Typo is still heading off for new southern pastures to which lay waste, he's taking his own sweet time in shoving off. This is rumored to be because of the twin problems of management's 'reassessment' of his abilities and future, and the availability of a suitable replacement for him. (Why not the tea lady?) 

So there has been a dark horse thrown into the race for this particular poisoned chalice. 

Although Sydney's Manly Daily editor Luke McIlveen was keen as mustard for the gig, there's been no announcement despite Luke being interviewed some weeks ago by the Holt Street poobahs. Now, it has been whispered in The `Pie's ear that Bowen boy Ken `Robbo' Robinson, currently deputy editor of the Rupert's Gold Coast Rag, may be about to be passed the poisoned Townsville chalice.

Robbo started his career straight from school to the Bowen Independent and over the years, has risen steadily up the ranks. So at least he's sort of local, which one supposes is better than getting another southern carpetbagging blow-in in the chair. 

But why a poisoned chalice? 

Well, the over-worked ear of the old bird hears that there's a bit of a panic in the management suites in Ogden Street because Sydney is wanting to know why this only-game-in-town is down a reputed 20% in revenue for the current year. That's a lot of dosh for a crowd raking in more than $20million+ profit in a good year.

Cost cutting has been the directive, it is rumoured. 

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs' aim will be somewhat above the feet and below any rack. The Magpie will be seeking something a little more centrally located. 


  1. Luke McIlveen, Ken Robinson, Attila the Hun or the Devil Incarnate..... I couldn't care less! Any of them has to be better than Labor's sock-puppet Gleeson.

  2. All good M, but I must take (gentle) issue with the metaphor of shooting oneself in the foot being akin to an inept or clumsy act. It comes from the trenches of WWI when desperate soldiers deliberately wounded themselves to get away from the front line. Still, perhaps it is just as good a piece if you read cowardice, not clumsiness... and perhaps he would be more effective taking higher aim?

  3. Re tootsies as targets:
    The'Pie always understood that `shooting yourself in the foot' came from the American West, when side arms were universal (nothing's changed really)and accidental discharges (of the gun variety) were fairly common. That is how the widespread custom arose of a six shooter actually carrying just five rounds ... the empty chamber was in the firing position as a safeguard. Of course, this could be a steaming old cobblers, but that's never stopped the old bird.

  4. The only thing that puzzles me about Lindy and her neighbouring sister is...which one is Kath and which one is Kim?

    All in all, I have seen tennis racqets with a higher IQ than these two combined.

    I'll wager Billy Bunter-Wallace would rather a six gun to the foot than a blade to the back, a la Kevin.