Friday, August 12, 2011

It's official: we can't get any smarter, according to the 'geekerati' of medical science, but boy, does The Magpie have some news for them.

Also this week, a well known Townsville legal eagle in deep doo-doos over some fiscal don't-dont's ... some reports say up to $6million worth of naughtiness;  and a new hat in - and another out of - the Townsville mayoral ring?

It's all here this week dressed-up drivel by what was termed in an anonymous Daily Astonisher editorial  as 'a cowardly blogger' with a poisonous and irrelevant agenda, known otherwise to you as The Magpie's Nest at With such a ringing endorsement, how can you not read on? 
We have all at one stage wondered at some smart new invention of technology, and thought, crikey, what will they think of next?

Well, according to the latest research out of Pommyland, bugger all, apparently.

It's true. Scientists reckon humans have discovered and invented just about all they can with their current brain capacity. In this article in London's Daily Mail, the boffins claim that in order to become any more intelligent, the human brain would need vastly more amounts of energy and oxygen - and we simply cannot provide it. Seems Red Bull won't help.

Now this is a theory that The Magpie has been hazily aware of ever since Post-It Notes were invented, and was confirmed after the advent of tomato sauce, single-serve, non-splatter squeezy thingabob that you invert over your Four'n'Twenty. Really, just what more could we achieve?  So when The 'Pie read that '...mankind's brain power has reached its peak and it is physically impossible for us to become any smarter', he was all set to unquestioningly accept this research as accurate.

Then he saw Bob Katter on TV.

Sorry, boffins, but it's back to old DB for you, you obviously haven't heard of the member for Kennedy, and his Big Bang theory of ever expanding political power, Katter's Australia Party. And the scope to get smarter.

The new entity's manifesto would seem to leave a lot of gurgling, squeaking, wild eyed room for a few extra smarts. And now Robert Carl Katter has found a like-thinking dingbat in Aidan McLindon, the state MP who fled the LNP ranks to found the Queensland Party. Aidan the Addled has now merged his state-based  Queensland Party with Bob's federal party, modestly titled Bob Katter's Australia Party. You will see here Aidan listens so seriously when  Bob is accosted by a bloke claiming to be his long-lost son. The bearded one will probably be one of the more credible Australia Party candidates. A shoo-in. At least our doodler Bentley thinks so.

Now, The Magpie can only imagine that Bob, who is just three months older than The 'Pie, was also brought up gulping down Buckley's Canadiol cough mixture. The 'Pie loved the foul tasting stuff, it certainly made him forget his cough and he even sampled it when he was fine and cough clear, just to ward off any germs. The young bird never quite understood his fondness for this cough syrup and the feeling of well-being it engendered in him. It was not until years later, when it was officially restricted, that he discovered that Buckley's Canadiol contained dextromethorphan, of which even a whiff for a child can induce euphoric intoxication. God bless you, Mum. 

But one could be forgiven for believing that Bob has had a secret stash of this old style hooch, but he only ever takes it for political purposes, of course. Yeah, and rugby league fowards buy Playboy for the articles.

For some years now, The Magpie has uncharitably suggested that Bob should call any party he creates the Cut Snake Party, with the very believable slogan 'I'm as mad as hell, and you can take that any way you like'.

So now The Magpie is going to allow himself the enormous conceit of suggesting that his weekly drivel may be much more widely read beyond you two regulars. Here is what Aidan the Addled had to say on the amalgamation of the two nascent parties.

'I realise some people describe Mr Katter as 'a cut snake', but I am immensely proud to be working with Mr Katter under the Australian Party banner. Cut snakes last for 39 minutes, but this good man’s lasted for 39 years so he must be doing something right. He speaks from the heart and he gets it right nearly all of the time.'

The 'Pie is humbled at the apparent 33% increase in his readership, but does wonder where Mr McLindon acquired his detailed and precisely timed knowledge about the death throes of cut snakes.. 

And he also worries about those alleged occasional times that Bob doesn't get it right. 

But perhaps The 'Pie is wrong with the Cut Snake moniker.

Maybe Bob could attract those legions of avid classical literature scholars which teem throughout his electorate, and call his new grouping 'The Rocinante Party', in honour of the horse which Don Quixote spurred to a feeble trot while tilting at windmills. But, as no doubt a hundred emailers will remind the old bird, randy old Rocinante was also bitten, clawed, kicked and beaten with clubs when he tried for a little unexpected and unwelcome servicing of some fillies in an adjacent field. In addition, 'rocin' in Spanish means work-horse or low quality horse (nag) but also illiterate or rough man. Now, despite his alarming verbal ticks, gurgles and squeals, Bob is certainly not illiterate, but given what the Australian voters are sure to do to his party, yeah, in omen terms, Rocinante is the right name.

Speaking of not being too smart, sad to relate on the local scene that one of Townsville's long-standing and well respected legal figures, a solicitor, has resigned from the firm that has his name as part of its title, and is awaiting charges to be laid concerning his alleged misuse of the company's trust fund (money held by legal firms on behalf of their clients) to the tune of - variously reported - between $2.2 million and possibly more than $6million. Gambling is said to be one of the reasons behind this sad episode. The Magpie knows who the lawyer is, but since he is yet to be formally charged for any hanky panky, the bird will decline to name him. Everybody in the legal fraternity knows about the matter, anyway.

On the local government political front, The Magpie has kept hearing that another leading businessman , John Bearne - who amongest other things is chairman of Townsville Enterprise - is thinking of following David Kippin into the political bunfight for the city's mayoralty. Apparently, The Magpie did something that no one else in the media thought to do - he asked JB if it was true. The answer was a resounding 'absolutely not, no way'. Mr Bearne said he believed he could better further the important agendas for Townsville and the region in his current position, and made it clear that while the mayoralty was a vital job and a title which was an honour to hold, he was determined to stay away from the political hurly-burly.

While we're in this neck of the woods, the old bird also hears that with David Kippin's entry into the field and councillor Dale Last getting considerable backing for his vaulting ambition in this area, one Moaning Mullet, Jenny Hill, is said to be having a re-think about leading a Labor team in next March's election.

Apparently, The Mullet is very mindful that her cushy and well remunerated councillor's position will be easier to retain than a mayoral free-for-all, which it will be if Farmer Les decides to retire back to the barn and fore-go the chance of another term. Lose the mayoral race and your out, no second chances for a spot on council. Right or wrong, them's the rules. We'll see.

But a final related note. Dale Last's support from the Daily Astonisher and Typo's unrelenting opposition to Les Tyrell has been building for two or three years now. Typo has openly said he just doesn't like Les, and boasted that whatever happens, he will see him defeated at the next elections. 

Maybe, but the latest word to The Magpie from around the dog track (Typo is a big fan of the dish-lickers) is that our crusading editor won't be around to savour his victory if it turns out that way. He will be back in southern climes around Christmas, once News Ltd has decided what to do with him.

Big Bazza Taylor will be bereft, losing such a good chum. Just hope Bazza doesn't decide to deprive us of his cheery company and retreat to his $5million plus mansion at Noosa, although he will be closer to Brisbane to supervise his six to eight blocks of flats he has an interest in there..

So how did The Magpie get it so wrong, predicting Typo would be gone by mid-2011? Since he is in an immodest mood, The 'Pie will report persistent info from here and from southern prattlers that The 'Pie was so right in his musings about Typo's constant tumbles off his trainer trike that News Ltd changed their mind about boosting him to stardom too soon.

Sorry, Townsville.

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs' Bar, where the old bird will regale some be-bubbled companion with tales of his mental ability and physical prowess in matters amour. He just hopes she ain't too smart. 


  1. Dale Last would be a disaster as Mayor. A show pony version of 'his radiance', including the arrogance.

  2. Good morning Magpie,
    Re your reference to Buckley's Canadiol, this little snippet from their advert may be of interest ... they run it as a testimonial from (supposedly) the founder's son.

    Dear Buckley's:

    I have recurring nightmares in which someone gives me a taste of my own medicine. My father developed it back in 1919 when people expected medicine to taste like, well, like medicine.

    Frank Buckley, Toronto, Ontario

    I sold heaps of this at the start of my adventures in Pharmacy in the fifties but can't remember it containing the magic dextromethorphan .. maybe this was in a later version , due perhaps to "customer demand"?
    The magic ingredient in Bonnington's Irish Moss however was "pectoral oxymel of carrageen" (seaweed soaked in a vinegar/honey brew), which was great for pectoral problems (big boobs perhaps?).
    I'm now retired, but often heave a nostalgic sigh for the good old days when medicines (if they didn't kill you first) really worked, directly proportional to their foul taste.

  3. Wow...did a certain journalist take a poke at us Gulps in last Saturday's cat box liner?

    Could it be that Ms Skene's self-righteous bolts fired with great gusto from the moral high ground were nothing but a petulant pay back for being bested in a light-hearted and inconsequential exchange in this blog last week?

    Nah...couldn't be. That would be cowardly.