An all round entertaining week - does Ewen Jumbo Jones believe that half his constituents would like the 'death penalty' for those who support gay marriage? - Mayor Mullet gets her own dedicated biblical quote - and on the national stage, looks like Baldrick from Blackadder is on contract to the Australian Government with a cunning plan to import people ... to be unemployed.

Jumbo stumbles into the thickets of English yet again, and we're not sure what we heard.

Townsville Enterprise Limited's  (TEL) AGM and self-stroking luncheon was held on Thursday and was more notable for who wasn't there than who was. It was a very selective guest list. The Magpie discoveres the who and why of it all through a revealing email from Enterrpise House.

And it wouldn't be a week without The Daily Astonisher astonishing us;  there was a big whoopsey of a headline about the paper's favorite son, and there were more than a few cranky cruciverbalists out there who had some cross words about the paper's crossword cock-up. 

All here amongst the detrius on the floor of the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Jumbo Jones, our entertaining Member for Herbert, donned his straw boater, candy-striped jacket, white ducks and cane to do a wonderfully clever soft shoe shuffle routine for a captive audience from the gay community, telling them half his consitituents wanted 'the death penalty' for supporters of gay marriage. 

Here's how it went down.

Last Monday night, Jumbo trundled along as a guest at a meeting called to support gay marriage - now termed marriage equality - at the Sovereign Hotel. He'd been invited, so he went, and pretty soon wished he hadn't. His powers of communication were on full display, as he stoutly opposed the crowds support for the gay marriage. He also managed to somehow weave into his jumbled narrative that it took more than 50 years for the aborigines to recognised as people and get the vote, and even dragged in - somehow - the historic matter of Indian independence. And even the red indians in America.

The central thrust of Jones' gabbling was that his party went to the election on a policy of opposing gay marriage and that he didn't have an opinon on the subject, just a policy. And that policy was the one he ran before the election and it would be wrong to change his mind now. Fair enough, one supposes, and if only he'd left it at that. But somewhere in the burbling torrent of auctioneer's patter, Jones is reported to have told the audience that those wanting marriage equality  were only part of his constituency and that 'the other half wanted the death penalty', a statement that says a lot of things to a lot of people. Like, they want it for supporters of gay marriage?

The next morning, ABC Radio's Paula The Mauler Tapiolas decided to find out what went on. 

First she recorded an interview  with Krys Fischer, the woman who convened the previous night's meeting, With the Jones boy in the studio listening to her remarks, Ms Fischer quoted Jones as saying half the people he represented wanted the death penalty. Ms Fischer expanded on this point quite forcefully, and described it as 'a slap in the face'.  Was this a misinterpretation? Maybe, maybe not.

Politically astute gay activist Colin Edwards was at the forum said, and contacted The Magpie to say many in the audience instantly  made, rightly or wrongly, the connection between the death penalty comment and their support for gay marriage - and Ewen was buttonholed about it several times after the meeting. 

Now the interesting thing here is that when Ewen got his turn on Paula's show, in all the things he dissembled and denied about Ms Fischer's account, he didn't deny making the 'death penalty' statement. As far as The 'Pie heard, it was not referred to at all by him or by The Mauler in their interview. So The 'Pie assumes this was a statement made by a federal MP to a gathering of concerned constituents - he would, or perhaps will, deny it at his own peril, given there were 120 at the forum, and Ms Fisher gave a relatively unemotional and unsensational account of proceedings. And given the politically explosive nature of the remark, he would surely deny it if he hadn't said it. Or wasn't he listening.

Townsville thanks you for the great publicity, Jumbo.

The 'Pie is sure there are many intelligent and thoughtful people in the seat of Herbert who do oppose gay marriage who may not like being characterised as folk who are so homophobic as to want the 'death penalty' for their opponents. Or even just being proponents of the death penalty for anyone.

If you want to hear Jumbo Jones get spectacularly tangled up in his verbal shoelaces ,you can hear both interviews here.

STOP PRESS:

Just in from the States, astounding news of a breakthrough new 'psychic' camera which can actually visually capture the major thought processes of its subject.  The first most successful demonstration of the Nikon Neurological Hot Shot was when billionaire buffoon Donald Trump called for a march on the White House to overturn Bazza Obama's election victory.

While we're in that neck of the woods, Bentley is still bemused with Joolya's embarrassing goo-goo eyes for Bazza up at that Asian summit.

As Mongrel the Barrister so inelegantly put it down at Poseurs" Bar at the time 'Bit bloody obvious she had a wide-on for him'.  Whatever that means.

But ti was a weird return to the real world when Joolya sighed her way back to Canberra. Now we're apparently importing people to be unemployed - how else could the government's latest panicked bit pf patchwork policy be anything else/?

The Christmas Island Special heads south from Darwin? No - not yet.

In case you missed it, because of overcrowding, several hundred illegal immigrant detainees will be set free into the community to await their judgement  to stay or go. We taxpayers will pay a small (ha!) amount to them help with accomodation, BUT they will not be allowed to WORK. How's that for a WTF policy? So a group of disaffected, possibly psychotic folks who feel personally entitled because they made an illegal boat trip to Australia will now be wandering around without a job, with very little to support themselves and an understandable general feeling of disaffection.  Model citizens in the making for sure.

Immigration Minister Baldrick announced the policy this week,

What next? 

'Umm, PM, I see that rapes and murders are down over the past few years.' 

'Christ, that's no good, Nicola, let's import a few suitable characters off the boats to lift those figures to world standard.'

'Good idea, Jools. While we're about it, the number of dodgy lawyers being prosecuted is way down, how about using the same boat people lurk for the legal profession stats?'

'Ummm, Nicky, luvvie, let's leave that one on the backburner for the moment - the way things are going, we won't need any imports on that front.' 

Our own great and glorious political leader, the flying fish Mayor Mullet returns from her ratepayer junket to the USA (The 'Pie read the Astonisher story incorrectly - how could that be? - which seemed to suggest that the trip was being paid for by IBM; not so, it turns out, the ones picking up the tab of somewhere near $10,000 is - ta da - YOU, the ratepayer).

What's the difference between this ..... 

.... and this?

But Mayor Mullet's return mid-week put The Magpie in mind of an  updated  variation of the old pommy newchum joke: what's the difference between Mayor Mullet and the jet she arrived home on? The jet stopped whining after it landed.

Not our Jenny. 

Heading down to her desk at The Daily Astonisher - she surely has a desk there as honorary associate editor - she immediately lived up to her name of the Moaning Mullet, galumphing away that despite evidence to the contrary, there was disunity (that would be a disunity of one) within the council, which continued to block some of her more ruinous election promises. She says the others , including the CEO, are "making it difficult for me to run the agenda I was elected on". 

Amen to that, but (sigh), does it have to be explained to you again, dearie? And The 'Pie promises this will be the last time if you're a good girl from now on.

You were elected mayor NOT because people believed your skilful lying during the camapign. Especially the Bulletin-abetted effort of brilliant timing the day before the election about Townsville First whacking up rates 6%a year for the next four years if elected - even CEO Ray Burton called you for fibbing on that one, no wonder you're out after his balls.

No, you were elected because:

1. Dale Last was not a good campaigner, and was not experienced enough or have the support to be quick enough to counter your negative and largely untrue attacks, and

2. more importantly, show pony Jeff Jimmieson and eccentric but plausible surprise candidate Brendan Porter dragged enough votes away from Last for you to squeak home. The proof of this particular political pudding is that seven Townsville First councillors, and a non-Labor indepedent won eight of the ten seats on the council. Some bloody mandate!

Don't you read your own publicity, lady? in the council's latest City Update mini-mag (appropriate front page pic of you under water, Mullet)  on page 4, there is a very informative chart that shows in overall annual rates, including water, sewerage and refusecharges, levies and discounts of Queensland's 16 local councils. Townsville comes in fifth, at $2,785, and that's just exactly $300 more than number one, the Whitsunday Regional Council and $124 more than number 2, Cairns. Since you've been away, perhaos you missed it, so go here to your own website, scroll down and see for yourself.

Mullet, your moaning sent The 'Pie for solace to the Bible - where else?  He came across a quotation he believes sums up the feelings of majority of the community about your constant carping See Hebrews 13:8 (King James version).  'Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, and today, and forever' 

Or in a more profane suggestion, For Christ's sake, give it a bloody rest, will you? Please.

Townsville Enterprise held it's invite-only  AGM and annual bunfight at Jupiters on Thursday, to hear all the usual disguised flapdoodle (more on that in an upcoming post) but The 'Pie was more interested in who was missed out on this coveted annual A lister.

A bit of background. On October 22 last, David 'The Kipper' Kippin sent out a plaintive email to all five LNP Queensland MPs in TEL's area, full of rending of  garments and gnashing of teeth (these days, nature has denied The Kipper  the more traditional pulling of hair). In short, he told both Davids (who are both ministers), John, Sam, and Rosie what bastards they and their government were to chop the $230,000 annual subsidy to TEL, because he had been forced to sack one of their best operatives, conventions gal Raewyn Dooley.

Of course, Mr Kippin didn't quite use the above words but his email instead said:

'This morning, the company terminated the position of manager, Convention Bureau Townsville, which has been made redundant. As such, one of our valued employee, Raewyn Dooley, has unfortunately been retrenched and her employment terminated immediately. We also announced that two more staff members, who will shortly depart on extended maternity leave, will not be replaced and that the fate of their positions will be made in due course during the terms of their respective absences.

This regrettable action is in direct reponse to the uncertainty surrounding your government's 2012 Queensland Regionalk Development Initiative (QRDI) funding program .... we have accepted the probability that the funding will not be continued in whole or part, as compared with previous years.'

(An idle thought: $230k is just $10k short of your annual ratepayer-enabled salary, Kipper, (that's $5000 a week) so surely instead of sacrificing one of your best employees, you could have decided to try and squeeze by on $4000 a week, thus freeing up a weekly grand to retain the services of someone so useful to the local economy.)

In amongest the rest of the email's self-serving waffle was The Kipper saying TEL would appeal the funding decision (The 'Pie hears they get some dough back through Tourism Queensland) and then added this little pearl of wisdom which goes a long way to summing up one of TEL's main problems.

'I have decided against issuing a media statement around (sic) this decision but rather to contact our valued sponsors, members and politicians by way of direct contact with a general bulletin to be posted soon on our website.'  

And guess what? Not one of the politicians who received this email, those who would be the people expected to go to bat for TEL in its funding appeal, were invited to the AGM to hear of all the sterling achievements of the year past - whatever they may have been. Not only were two of them cabinet ministers, but one, Sam Cox, is also a paid up member of TEL, since he and his wife have a small holiday rental business on Maggie. Very selective. Very dopey. Very juvenile.

Oh, and yes, does the the opening salutation on the email deserve a spot in the 'dripping sarcasm' file: 

'To our valued State MPs representing the North Queensland Region.'

Get yourself a good media officer before it's too late, Kipper - if it isn't already.

By the by, another notable absentee was former TEL CEO and Chairman John Bearne. He was succcessfully nominated and returned to the board - but perhaps that was too smaller beer for him. Instead, he was lunching with a former TEL colleague at Michel's for, we hear, her birthday. The devotion to friendship, if not civic duty, is touching.

You've really got to feel a bit sorry for the Bulletin. Of all the multiple traps a paper is prey to, even when run by experienced and enthusiastic people, the Astonisher fell into two of them this week.

The first was the front page below, where the smart-kid-in-the-classroom straining for a clever headline found the paper implying a very base insult, the sort which if uttered on Flinders Street East would invite a smack around the ear. 

The headline on the left was pretty good -
the one on the right pretty dumb and insulting.

For those of you not acquainted with bogan, redneck crim-speak 'Dog Act' is a suggestion that the person has committed the lowest possible act of treachery or despicable behaviour imaginable. For the paper to dump this - inadvertently or otherwise - on the one man who sells more papers for them than anyone else, it is a most regrettable play on words. (The 'Pie notes it was changed quickly on the website, perhaps indicating that not a few punters were unhappy with it).

The other matter this week, actually has nothing to with journalism, and probably more to do with the tea lady or cleaner, or whomsoever is assigned to placing the crosswords in the paper. Crossword lovers, both easy and cryptic (the puzzles, that is, not necessarily the puzzlers) are obviously people who enjoy language and clever word games, so it is a fair guess that those who do the Bulletin crossword buy the paper for that exercise alone. (The cryptics are easy but they're fun and often very clever).

So the MagpeFone had more than one Colonel Blimp and retired schoolmarm going puce over last Monday's effort where the bottom page cryptic had the wrong set of clues for the accompanying grid. And The 'Pie was crisply informed that this is about the third time this year it has happened - three said they were going to cancel their subscriptions. The 'Pie actually doubts that, because cruciverbalists not only look forward to discovering the answer to that unsolved clue, but also daily seek the tussle with the clever clogs composer - it really is addictive. 

But should we be surprised at this. After all, this is the paper that has actually got the date wrong on three occasions in the past few years. As the saying is of this most basic press crime, if you can't get the date right, why should you believe anything else in it? So for all The 'Pie's old pals down in Ogden Street, including those in IT, here's a neat little strip with Attila the Hun about to go into a management meeting. The names and genders have been changed to protect the guilty.

And finally, a must see. Getting self-interest messages like safety across to kids is one of the hardest gigs in advertising, but a Melbourne mob have come up with a world-beating answer. It is simple, effective, it has gone viral ... and a warning, it is what they call an 'ear worm' you will have trouble getting the tune out of your head. Show it to the kids here , it is terrific and it gets the message across with humour and without preaching. An award winner for sure..

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs' Bar , where the old bird will bebubble a suitable lass and engage in a cryptic conversation with her. 'Hi, I'm cryptic.' 'Hi, I'm easy.' 'OK, let's try it my way first, it's harder.'

(Note: Anyone wanting to enter the mysterious world of cryptic crosswords, The 'Pie highly recommends 'Puzzled - Secrets and Clues from a life Lost in Words' by David Astle, (Allen & Unwin rrp about $30) Astle is one of the most talented (read frustrating bastards) grid setters and was one of the few such to grace the Fairfax papers, SMH and Age. A good read even for those who like just the quirks of language). 

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