It's been a week of bums - literal, metaphorical, people, hash-tagging and ...well ... just an all round bummery, as chronicled in this week's load of ... well ... bumf.

Let's see now - there is an hilarioous but disturbing tale of two extremes: the Ho-Ho-Hos came a month early at the aptly titled Townsville Bully, making merry with a half-arsed, rib-tickling attempt to destabilise the community, but It was also more a case of Oh-Oh-Oh, Ando, in an unfortunate sub-editing boo-boo that made paper's best journeyman journo look like an internal rebel. It is one of the best own goals in a crowded field of same. 

Paul Keating's infamous gibe at John Hewson -  that a souffle doesn't rise twice - has been bettered here in the 'Ville - we can now enjoy the spectacle of a political souffle that hasn't risen once. Yep, serial political pest David I've Been Everywhere Moyle is at it - yawn - again.  

A Mount Rushmore-like monument for Herr Campbell Newman and his political storm troopers is proposed for Queensland.

And yet again, good news is anything but for the mathematically challenged Mayor Mullet.

Plus Quote of the Week, Name of the Week and the most unfortunate Twitter hash tag of all time - your not gunna believe it - all here on the gunao-splattered floor of this week's nest at www.townsvillemagpie@com.au

First, let's take a dustpan and brush to the week in politics. federal parliament is in recess, and as Bentley points out, just in time for activities more suited to their mental and emotional ages (with apology to all school leavers).

The Quote of the Week only had two contenders. An essayist in the NY Times said 'They say a good cry is the car wash of the soul'. 

That was neat but no match for the Queensland Minister for Mayors and Mullets, Kid Crisafulli. Reporters door-stopped him to see if he'd consider defecting to the Cut Snake Party aka Katter's mob. Quoth he on the run, 'I'd rather eat razor blades in a bowl of fresh prunes'. They breed 'em tough up thar in Ingham.

The Brisbane Bantam demands
loyalty from the chooks.

The most disturbing aspect of state politics this week was the LNP's jackboot policy requiring members to swear an oath of loyalty not just to the party (which is OK - sort of expected, really) but also to Herr Campbell Newman as leader (which is not OK and was gobsmackingly unexpected). 

For a moment, The 'Pie thought we were in Egypt or North Korea. This sort of undemocratic and personality-based edict of unfettered and unquestioned power is asking for trouble, since 'Dear Leader' declarations of fealty are required only in dictatorships. Imagine if they tried that on in Canberra - forcing coalition members into a 'my mother drunk or sober' situation with Mr Rabbit. Even socialist Labor stops short of this requirement, which carries more than a faint pong of fascism/communism.

But with their (still) whopping majority, the unlikely alliance of the latte-sipping technocrats of the south-east corner and the boys from the bush has really got the bit between its teeth - they're dangerously 'over-racing' in gee-gee terms.

The Magpie understands that the LNP is considering a Mount Rushmore-like tribute to its leadership of Herr Newman, Herr Seeney (he'd be a goofy figure of fun if it wasn't for the uncompromising spite - even for his own - that is so evident), Herr McIvor and -yes, yes, The 'Pie hears you - Herr Joh.

America has this noble and uplifting lie to fool all the people all the time ......

.... but The 'Pie suggests we be more honest about it, with this.

After all, when the snouts are in the trough, the most prominent aspect that best sums up their character is unmistakable. And it could be interchangeable down the years, no matter who wins the plush - it could even double as a memorial to all previous governments of the past 40 years.

Down at the Astonisher, it was a convergence of accident and deliberate deceit (yes, yet again) that had the town chortling away.

You will remember that last week, The 'Pie pointed out the inappropraitness of this Johnathan Thurston headline 'Dog Act'. 

But just in case you can't make it out, the sub-head below it reads:'Thurston spotted in secret talks with Bulldogs'.

Then, last Tuesday, the paper ran a witty little - ahem - Magpie-esque piece by the redoubtable John Anderson, which basically said the Thurston story anything but secret, it was all a bit of a set-up and it was no lucky accident that Thursto was snapped leaving the Sydney club.

So what does some sub-hub genius with a short memory down in Brisbane come up with as a suitable headline? Try this.

Now that really is a thigh-slapper, because it makes it look like Ando was cocking a snoot at his iditor (correct spelling) over the previous front page. Because in essence, the headline clearly suggests that Ando thinks the paper had been suckered into the previous front page 'secrecy' claim. 

Ando, of course, wasn't doing any such thing, he has strong reasons to remain loyal to The Astonisher, and not just because he's still got a job. He's pretty irreplaceable and management well remembers that when The Magpie resigned in disgust, within a month, they lost 4000 off their Saturday circulation (not a boast, just a fact). If Ando ever decided to walk - or worse, be pushed - The 'Pie reckons they'd lose just about all their Tuesday circulation. But out-of-touch headlines like this one, dreamed up 1500kms away by inattentive subs with short memories don't do a good journo any favours. 

But to compound the credibility problem, on Friday, Anthony Simpleton came up with one of the most deceitful pieces of unethical reporting seen in the paper in a while - like, say, last week, maybe. Talk about secrecy! And the hope for gulliblity on the readers' behalf!

Unethical? Absolutely, and here's why.

The mathematically challenged Mayor Mullet, who has a close association with the paper, hasn't been travelling too well image-wise since her junket to America. 

The 'Ville's annual financial figures are in good shape, the deficit is down, debt is well under control, Townsville has the fifth lowest rates in the state (and then only $300 above number one lowest) and the good news flowing from the various committee heads (all Townsville First or independent) is positive and progressive. 

All this seems to have resulted in Mayor Mullet's previous four years of self-interested negativity reasserting itself. Our gal is so politically ossified you'd be pardoned for thinking she had been mentally abused by the political priests in her early Labor days, and just can't get over it. She greeted the excellent news of the cheery fiscal figures with a politically driven skepticism hinting at a conspiracy by council officers, for Christ's sake - and, natch, the council CEO, Ray Burton.

So The 'Pie guesses the call went out to the iditor of the Astonisher and his attack poodle Anthony Simpleton (fair dinkum, this duo is so compliant, one idly speculates whether Mayor Mullet has some interesting 'private' group photos of  them - together or separately).

No probs, darl, says Simpo, who then went on to do a shock/horror piece of totally unsupported fiction about a split in the ranks of Townsviille First councillors over Deputy Doo Dah Vern Veitch's manner and attitude. This was run under the cringingly peurile, immature and totally unsupported red banner 'REVEALED' but that's maybe The 'Pies fault for recently pointing out the risible use of 'exclusive'. 'Revealed' is even sillier, since every story 'reveals' its contends that were presumably hitherto unknown. Somehow this seems to have eluded the deep thinkers in Ogden Street. 

It turns out that what the article revealed was tabloid tactics in action at the lowest level. 

A screaming headline of a story totally devoid of a single revealed source, and even then of such a mild manner that Simpleton and the paper have again made themselves a laughing stock. There was no story, so Simpleton started ringing around councillors, offering them an 'off the record' interview about Vern Veitch's alleged (by Simplo only) shortcomings. It was a fruitless fishing expedition, trying to elecit answers and comment to back up the reporter's predetermined conclusion. 

Virtually to a person, they told Simpleton they had no problems with the man called Uncle Fester, and he had their full support. Veitch himself and several councillors said they had heard nothing of any disharmony, and in so many words, told the boy reporter to sod off.

The above is as accurate as The 'Pie can get it, since he also did his own ringround. Those councillors he couldn't contact were quoted by others  because they'd been talking about the 'disgusting' and 'appalling' story amongest themselves all day. Ray Gartrell is overseas.

So what we got was a screaming headline 'Vern Notice' (a weak pun on the indifferently rating US TV pap Burn Notice), that juvenile 'revealed' tag - and an opening sentence which is pure fantasy, to wit :

'TOWNSVILLE'S Deputy Mayor Vern Veitch has been warned he must lift his game or risk losing support to continue in the key role.' 

Warned by whom? Whose support? Don't ask, it remains - you guessed it - a secret.

Then followed this story where not a single thing supported that Jenny Hill-wish list claim ... not one single person with any criticism was identified. Vern's supporters were named, so why weren't his detractors? If they didn't want to be named, then, Simpleton, you chump, there is no story. We're entitled to think you just made up the whole thing. And The 'Pie will bet you did.

Clr Jenny Lane, the softly spoken straight-shooter seems to have had a subtle last word, and a sly dig that the likes of Simpleton and the iditor wouldn't pick up, when she was quoted saying 'Any negative comments about Vern's performance are probably someone trying to be mischievous and destablise the council'. Who on earth could she mean?    

So why does The 'Pie bang on about this? 

Simply because if The Bulletin had a shred of credibility left (it doesn't) this is a story that could be damaging to the community in its gross misrepresentation of the situation, could destabilise the council and give a disheartening perception of continued disunity and dysfunction to the public. 

It would be very reportable if true, but it clearly wasn't, it was all bullshit.

Worse, it is a clod-hopping attempt for the paper to be a player rather than an observer and neutral reporter, on an Murdoch agenda run by southern blow-ins who have a massive disconnect with this community, and, so The 'Pie is told, can hardly wait to get out of here.

At least on that point, we are agreed.

But it's not just Mayor Mullet that Ogden Street is seeking to promote as a council-bashing exercise. 

The 'Pie presents proof that even in this age of digital skullduggery, the untouched image can still lie. Have a look at this untouched photograph.    

  

Do you see the firm jaw of a resolute man of vision, a whiff of James Bond, with the steady gaze of a natural born leader of men squarely facing the daunting tasks ahead, framed against a background of a new tropical day symbolic of a bright new future? 

If that's what you see, you'd be wrong.

Actually, it's David Moyle.

Yup, it's our old party animal - as oft reported here, he's been in just about every political party except The Greens, and only then because they told him to bugger off, they didn't want him. Years ago, The Magpie dubbed our Davy the Lucky Starr of the political north, with his suitable theme song Starr's 1962 tongue-twister 'I've Been Everywhere'. 

So it was no surprise when he turned out for Katter's Cut Snake Party in the state elections earlier this year, in his familiar self-flaggelating exrcise - Kid Crisafulli trounced him in Mundingburra. 

Then Davy-boy suddenly faced a dilemma. Despite polling as well as can be expected in state - 23% and third of five candidates - he was no doubt biting his bottom lip when he was passed over as the Cut Snake candidate for the federal seat of Herbert - that went to ex-Nat and local businesswoman Bronwyn Walker. 

Master Moyle's problem was simple: how to keep up a public profile now he is so far out from having another crack at state?

The answer was a Baldrick-like cunning plan and it is a pearler - a whiffy little ploy which the weekly Sun throw-over has swallowed hook, line and stinker.

Our man announced to the paper he had formed the Townsville Ratepayers Association - unbidden by anyone, it was actually just a Facebook page seeking members, and the Sun went front page with it's 'on your toes, councillors, you're being watched' theme. Even the Bully ran the same story, but then, it would, wouldn't it?

The pomposity and hubris was palable, with Moyle having the arrogance to suggest his somewhat pointless group will 'actively lobby all city councillors to ensure that local government decisions are made in an open and accountable manner'. The insulting inference is that they are not now, and they will be apprised of the Moyle wisdom as required. That claim may have had some validity when Labor ruled the roost and His Radiance made sure any squabbling was behind closed doors in caucus, but any greater transparency nowadays and they'll have to have 'undies only' council meetings. (Now try and get that image out of your head.)

And how about this little condescending homily from a bloke who wouldn't be eligible for a loyalty card from his local coffee shop.

``Although it is recognised that current councillors are or have been members of political parties, it is hoped that Townsville

Ratepayers (Association) will encourage these elected officials to work together for the greater good by ensuring that, at all times, our elected representatives act in the best interests of, and remain fully accountable to, their constituents during their term in office.'

David, mate, you've got more cheek than Gina Rinehardt's bum. But guess what? The 'Pie reckons he's found the ideal party for you.

In one of the most unfortunate (although possibly deliberate for the noteriety potential) PR moves, singer Susan Boyle decided to promote her latest album on Twitter, using the hash tag @Susanalbumparty - make four words out of that, Dave, and you have another party in which you can make a real arse of yourself.

And just on the subject of unusual names, The 'Pie initially thought it was a mistake when the ABC 7.30 Report captioned an interviewee as Zana Bytheway. but that was her name (along with quite a few thousand others around the world, it turns out). It was a new one on The Magpie who initially concluded that she was an afterthought for her parents, as in 'Oh, by the way, dear, I'm preggers!'  

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs' Bar, where the subject of names will be avoided - last week, the old bird joked to a Russian lass that his name was Ivor Biggun, to which she said her name was Ima Nickinoff. And she did.