This week, The Magpie introduces a new occasional award, the Pisstake of the Week , with two outstanding contenders vying for the inaugural gong. Both inventive, biting and hilarious.

Also, there’s a bit of a witch-hunt is on down in Walker Street, and could it end up with the CMC?

The Ghosts of Mooneys Past comes back to haunt Townsville ratepayers ….

Resident doodler Bentley goes batty,  but some helpful Magpie advice comes too late…

And as promised, some light-hearted silliness which dropped into the nest during the week, all here at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

At long last well-being of the residents of Charters Towers has been put above that of a non-endangered, smelly disease-carrying  pests – no, no not the blow-in Greenies infesting the town right now (‘Oh, Jacinta, have you heard that the Icelandic Black-Tailed Godwit is facing extinction because it’s been eating rubbish at the back of Macdonald’s outlets? Tarquin can't eats his quinoa and lentil tufu porridge, he's so upset about it. By the way, we're going to Charters Towers to protest what they’re doing to those poor ickle bats.  Ummm, where IS Charters Towers, Jacinta?’)  –  no, we speak of that bloody colony of bats. 

And there are already signs that all the noisy smokey hoopla could be working, or else these far from cute creatures have retreated to Mordor to get reinforcements. Bentley seems to think that’s a possibility.

 

A bat out of hell?

It did occur to The Magpie that the council could’ve taken an easier path. Given his toe-curlingly embarrassing performance at the AFL grand final a couple of years ago, that meathead named  Meatloaf could have been called on to do an encore in Lissner Park, that would’ve fixed the little buggers. Mass flight would be the order of the night,  many crashing to the ground because bats find it kinda difficult to fly AND cover their ears at the same time. Mr Loaf wouldn’t cost much given his market valuation of late, and the council would only have to stump up for ear plugs for residents who chose not to flee their homes for the night.

Or why not encourage some Greek weddings in the park. The noise, smoke and general hullabaloo would be about the same, but at no expense to the ratepayers. 

All that twaddle aside, The Magpie does wonder if any thought was given to netting the trees temporarily, as many orchardists do. Commercially, that's an expensive operation but a cheaper method could be employed given the temporary nature of the structure. Wouldn’t be that difficult, and the critters would soon get the message and do what everybody in the town has always wanted …that they just … ummm… flap off. 

But you can bet those old bats of the human variety would find something wrong with that idea … be good if those nosey, self-appointed out-of-town moralists would just flap off, too. What a pack of dried up old prunes!

Now those Pisstakes of the Week

Humour is a powerful weapon when lampooning public figures (so sayeth Snooze,  The Mullet, Messagebank and Cuddlepie et al) and is even more biting when the target is ludicrous and up themselves to start with (like Simpo).

And there’s nothing quite so ludicrous at the moment than  that acned ass of a Queensland  attorney-general and his ill-thought out bikie laws. 

Campbell's Can'O'Worms

Remember this bloke from a couple of weeks ago?

This cherub wasn’t going to fazed with the threat of pink prison wear and his written message was succinct. (Question: why would anyone care what they are forced to wear if they are in solitary for 23 and half hours a day?)

But a group of young mothers in Brisbane have gone one better, and earn The ‘Pie’s Pisstake of the Week Award for their Facebook site ‘Knit Your Revolt Tricycle Gang’. They have their own  (possibly illegal ) fear-inspiring patch ….

…. and these are real tough mothers, scattering onlookers when they hit the town on their choppers …

They go by the name AMUCK - Anarchist Mummas’ Underground Craft Kollective - ,  have special patches available for those joining up, and they hold clandestine meetings in a pub called The Alibi Room.

Gang colours.

They are uncompromising, and dare the cops top rough 'em up a bit.

Mother Trikers - peddling but not drugs.

Have a look here around their site, and be sure to go to the 'about’ page. Ladies, you get The Magpie's Pisstake of the Week Trophy.

And here’s a another thought (lot of them about this week): these laws are aimed at groups of three or more on motorcycles associating together and possibly involved in criminal enterprises. Hmmm, sounds like some of the boys in blue should be arresting themselves. 

After all, some of the traffic fines in this state are verging on the criminal.

The other contender for the Pisstake Award goes to the unknown person who had enough time on his/her hands to put together the funniest spoof  since the Hitler bunker send-ups were invented. 

Higella Lawson?

This is a short ‘expose’ of the ‘truth’ about the high’s – if you get the drift – of kitchen goddess Nigella Lawson’s private life, as described in a London court last week. The title – ‘HIGELLA’  sets the cheeky tone for the best laugh of the year.

And making the short list for this new Magpie award was this new magazine, which should be required reading in The Astonisher newsroom.

They'd have a field day with The Astonisher.

Unfortunately, it is also a pisstake, but one would think there’d be a market for it.

Another international bod caught the eye this week. Sometime funnyman  Ricky Gervais  was startled when out buying a paper recently. He tweeted his alarm.

Bit of a cock-up?

Moving on to local matters.

Bit of a stink - (mandatory pun)

There’s a bit of finger pointing and harrumphing around the Townsville Council environs right now, as councillors try to discover who leaked information to Anthony 'Simpo' Templeton for this story about the massive repair/upgrade bill for the Cleveland Bay sewerage works. 

The meeting was a closed and confidential workshop as an initial briefing, but – if Simpo is to be believed – two councillors spilled the beans to him. Now questions are being asked about a serious breach of confidentiality which could ultimately involve the CMC. Such premature release of cost estimates could have a negative result for ratepayers when it comes to tenders for the repair/upgrade work (although the council was told in 2011 that the possible cost was to be $100 million).

This latest situation exercised a few blog commenters during the week, including this one from regular chatterbox Woodduck.

Going by the Astonishers front page today,it would seem the ratepayers of Townsville are being bent over and attacked from behind once again. Residents should be given details of what is happening with their money, seems like this council is dodgy and less that honest when they have their secret briefings and comments from councillors who are to scared to have their names mentioned. On the other hand this has been written by the Simpleton himself, so it could all be crap as this boy has about as much credibility as the council he writes about. Can the Magpie enlighten us on this issue with the real facts.

And The Magpie’s reply …

The Magpie December 13, 2013 at 10:29 AM


Ah, the ghosts of Mooney Past are coming back yet again to haunt the ratepayers of Townsville.



But The Pie must take mild issue with you, Woodduck. As a fellow avian, you, like The Magpie, are given to the occasional flight of fancy.

There a couple of things re this story.

First up, and working on the principle that even a stopped clock is right twice a day, Master Templeton has got this more or less right. See what happens when Mayor Mullet is out of town ... left to his own devices, poor bloke has to revert to winging it alone and suddenly flukes a reasonable yarn.

The 'Pie has known this was coming down the track for some months, (hinted at in a blog about three months ago with a reference about ratepayers about to be dumped deep in the financial poo - please note the razor-sharp wit)) but not possessing Simpo's 'ace revealer' talents, the old bird was unable to winkle out reliable details that he felt justified in publishing.



Of course what Simpo didn't highight was that back when His Radiance was pulling dodgy stunts like this cost-cutting debacle (around the same time trying on the absolute no-no of attempting to borrow Treasury money to cover the embarrassing council deficit) guess who was a compliant and willing accomplice to the budget-slashing that have now landed us in this situation. Drum roll, purleese and Ta Da .... none other than Mayor Mullet, who was not just a mere councillor at the time, but in fact Deputy Mayor. (Not that Mooney confided in her on anything of import - reliable reports are that the two loathe each other, which is the only circumstance either has shown good taste or judgement.) 



You can bet that the councillors who were only willing to speak anonymously were NOT the goofy Messagebank Walker or Boo Hoo Doyle (who now really does have something to cry about, this making her beloved Labor look shabby and shifty). 



So, Woodduck, your pillioring of the council on this score seems a tad misplaced. But The 'Pie agrees wholeheartedly that there should be more transparency, and the public should've been informed of this matter openly and immediately. Like those sub rosa TEL talks with the council should be - commercial in confidence my cloaca. 


Now the guessing game is on – the garrulous media-loving Ray Haystack Gartrell denies it was him, and it sure wasn’t Jenny Lane … The ‘Pie has heard (not from her) that she refuses point blank to talk to The Astonisher, and Templeton in particular. The Pie also hears the deputy Doo Dah - who at the time was - ahem - the acting mayor - has steam coming out of his ears on this one, which is an alarming thought in itself, like an old fashioned brass espresso machine about to blow.

Stay posted.

But here’s a fascinating postscript..

Word from alarmed environmentist bods in Brisbane is that Clive Palmer, the Funster for Fairfax, is about to be given government permission to discharge some of Yabulu’s toxic waste directly into the reef waters from the tailings dams. Now it is accepted that those of a greenish tinge tend to live their lives in a state of permanent alarm. We’ll soon know if this is on the money.

But it did raise an interesting point when The Pie rang Deputy Doo Dah and – ahem again – acting Mayor Vern Veitch about the possibility.Vern makes no secret that he’s somewhat green around the gills, and was appalled at the prospect. But he made the point that if the Newman Government is going to allow this dispensation for Yubulu, it would then be incumbent on them to provide ratepayer relief for the treatment works repairs/upgrade. 

Pointing out that much of the $52 million expense is because of overly stringent  environmental rules governing the council’s discharge of treated water into Cleveland Bay, Clr Veitch said it then should follow that ‘If Palmer is allowed to dump his untreated waste into the ocean, why should the ratepayers have to pay for treated effluent which is barely a problem when it to ends up the same place’.

One can only hope that the Greenies are, as usual, wrong about the government’s intentions.

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs’ Bar, in the hope of a quieter  night than last week. Poseurs’ was quite crowded when the hubby of good time gal  Deidre McFondle’s barged in waving a pistol and yelling, ‘All right, which of youse bastards been  rootin’ my wife,’ to which Mongrel the Barrister suavely replied ‘Mate, you haven’t got enough ammunition’.  Mongrel gets out of hospital next week.