Clive Palmer gets a judicial smack-down from a judge who didn’t mince her words in finding against him.

Also, nominations for the annual Townsville City Council Community Awards are now open – The ‘Pie makes his picks, and invites you to post yours.

… and word warriors unite! A campaign has started  to save some old and fading words that deserve to come back into vogue – this includes a ripper for Palmer, and several more for a few other notables.

All that and any other bric-a-brac still lying around in this, the final open nest for 2013, here at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

No Christmas spirit – or beer and wine – for Charters Towers council workers. The Grinch decrees a dry Christmas.

Yup, as the great Dr Suess said ‘the term grinchy will apply, when Christmas spirit is in short supply’. Or was it just a bit of payback?

Also, further news about why that Strand Park V8 concert ballyhooed and unquestioningly promoted in the Daily Astonisher a week or so ago WON’T be happening - not there anyway …

The Magpie remembers his time close to Ronald Biggs, and the (true) inside story about how he evaded Melbourne wallopers by just minutes …

And given the clicks on Facebook, we’ll just have to repeat The ‘Pie’s favorite Peter O’Toole line ... all that and lots of other nonsense here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

This week, The Magpie introduces a new occasional award, the Pisstake of the Week , with two outstanding contenders vying for the inaugural gong. Both inventive, biting and hilarious.

Also, there’s a bit of a witch-hunt is on down in Walker Street, and could it end up with the CMC?

The Ghosts of Mooneys Past comes back to haunt Townsville ratepayers ….

Resident doodler Bentley goes batty,  but some helpful Magpie advice comes too late…

And as promised, some light-hearted silliness which dropped into the nest during the week, all here at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

‘Resentment is drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies’ – Nelson Mandela’s timely philosophy for some Australians.

With passing of the great man, one of his guiding principles is a stark message for those in the aboriginal industry promoting  ‘Invasion Day’ ceremonies to counter Australia Day …

Also, the lunacy of the law, Queensland style  - the latest one is framed to get someone killed sooner or later.

 

Clive Palmer and his inner bogan …

… and the cheekiest rib-tickling headline of the decade plus we revisit a couple of comments from the week.All that and lots of other stuff as usual here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Toula Cassimatis takes a toweling in court … and is Mayor Mullet playing ducks and drakes with Steggles over the Pinnacles proposal?

And The Astonisher really does astonish … questioning the police claim that they seized a haul of synthetic drugs from a CBD shop. well, that's what they say.

And on that subject, The Astonisher is happy to tarnish the name of all small businesses in the old mall strip by refusing to name which shop is involved. The Magpie isn’t so shy.

And the old bird will tell you – yet again - some other things that the paper wouldn’t, couldn’t or just lazily didn’t know, all here in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

At last – gremlins defeated and The Pie is proud to present that promised report into the V8’s value to Townsville.

Also as promised, race critic Mike Shearer’s detailed analysis of that JCU report ... and The Magpie has a nasty little surprise you may have missed on the issue as well.

Architects tell us we are what we build, which means one Middle Eastern country makes a bold declaration of what they are …

An Indian politician proposes an innovative campaign technique, let's hope the Newman Government doesn't hear about …

... Also, The Courier Mail loses the plot, going all out for gimmicky front page censorship, and our own Astonisher has painted itself into an interesting corner, all here in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

It’s been an absolute ‘b…. ’ of a week, what with all the talk being of boobs, bikies, boobs, a Bulletin baffler … boobs, a Bulletin beat-up … and some more on boobs.

 Of course, there have been plenty of ‘boobs’, as in ‘a foolish or stupid person’ involved each and every one of the above subjects.

The country is now successfully and rapidly recovering from it Ruddectomy during the week … a few choice quotes.

The ‘Pie has come across a genuinely thought-provoking idea that could render the undemocratic bikie laws null and void – seriously.

And if we all have a giggle now and then at the Daily Astonisher, this week we were all tittering away at the storm in a D cup about the Hooters Restaurant saga. Bentley has succinct say on that one, some quotes of the week, and a couple of the week’s comments revisited, all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au.

Aliens and adjectives, numbers and numbskulls … the usual heady mix in the Magpie’s Nest.

Oh, dem numbers. … The Astonisher falls off the readership cliff, and the circulation figs yet to come.

Mayor Mullet takes us for mugs - or else she stripped her mental gears.  

But the touching tale of her unrequited love goes on, as The ‘Pie records the latest chapter in Simpo and The Mullet’s quest for true togetherness.

This week, history throws back one of the great but little known witty quotes of the last century, and a Judge Clive Wall gem has surfaced in The ‘Pie’s papers.

 All here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Rupert said to be lurking around the 'Ville today, not sure, couldn't hack his phone - and Britney Spears - pirate slayer.

Last week, The 'Pie quoted the old saw 'Everybody brings a little joy in other people's lives, some by arriving, others by leaving.' So you'll never guess who else is back in town, and just when you were starting to believe it was safe to buy the paper again.

The Astonisher reveals its secret recipe CBD success, and ladies, a graphic demonstration of what happens if you overdo the botox.

All that, plus Bentley here in this week's nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au 

The Brisbane Bantam goes bonkers … and on the local scene, Desperate David Moyle takes the bait.

And head-butted: Terry Butts socks it to the pompous poohbahs of Queensland Racing  with a legal  win.

… and The Astonisher gives the ratepayers the finger yet again, - could it be to keep a major national advertiser on side?

Typo Gleeson employed crims as columnists at the Gold Coast Bulletin ... did he know about their drugs and money laundering? 

And what next, we’ve heard of special undies for LBL (ahem,  that would be ... ummm ... Light Bladder Leakage) now some smarty pants has invented farty pants. Fair dinkum. details for the curry and beer crowd.

A beauty from cartoonist Bentley and all sorts of goss from all sorts of places here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Transit Townsville: some hitherto unreported - and surprising - comings and goings – and one notable leapfrogging of the ‘Ville.

With that in mind, The ‘Pie poses a few questions:

What do Bill Shorten and Bob Katter have in common?

Why are illegal boat people posing a safety issue for the Townsville community?

Why has News Corp further down graded its Townsville operation – in favour of Cairns?

Also, herding cats – why is the Townsville City Council wasting more than $100,000 in a pointless exercise in bureaucracy?

Why has David Moyle exposed himself as a self-seeking barefaced liar?

And the quiet, unreported departure of one of Townsville’s best known public figures … all answered here in the nest this week at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

As promised, a Magpie mid-week special examining the validity of the specially commissioned report into the benefit of the V8 event's value to the Townsville community.

The Magpie does not expect this post to break any box office records, but the following information and consequent argument is published as a matter of record, unlikely to be published anywhere else. It involves questions of public money and proper governance. And frankly, that is the old bird's only interest in the issue.

For those who want to, they can make up their own minds

The V8 event is a done deal, to which The Magpie is wholly indifferent (good advertising for the city, though), but the old bird is always interested in transparency when it comes to the ratepayer dollar. So the initial reluctance for the council to release the report, and its author’s continuing refusal to fully disclose both the data and methodology he used to reach what is a most favorable conclusion for the principal commissioning organization, requires the information to be easily and publicly available for independent scrutiny. There are just two links following at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The Return of the White Shoe Brigade – is a new proposed project for Via Vomitorium just a front for trouble-beset Jarrod McCracken?

The Magpie will show evidence of just how trouble beset the former Townsville high flyer is.

Also EXCLUSIVE - and it really is! - The Magpie gets a look at an hitherto secret Townsville Council report into the benefits of the V8s - and it raises more questions than gives answers.

 … and want to get the ear of the phonephobic councillor Les Walker? – the South Koreans have an idea tailor-made for ol’ Messagebank. That and lots of other bric-a-brac in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Those damn numbers just keep coming: buttock puckering time for two big North Queensland sliders whose fortunes continue to fade.

The final count shows The Mad Katter looks to have used up eight of the feline’s allotted nine lives – he’s squeaked home in Kennnedy, possibly for the last time.

And the Townsville Bulletin remains in the death roll, joyfully being again chomped by those nasty people at circulation.

But that hasn’t stopped the Astonisher again resorting to sneer and smear with a snide little story of which they, and reporter Daniel Bateman should put up o shut - except to apologise.

And in among the other bibs and bobs is a shaggy dog story about a dwarf with a lisp that you’ll be telling all your friends, all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

David Kippin's take on diplomacy: the wacky theory of the week goes to The Kipper. And Johnathan Thurston’s secret life in PNG.

Also, The Pie sees a certain symmetry in the push for Tasmania to legalise euthanasia – seems a good fit.

Also, bits of language fun and games from around the place – including The Mad Katter and the Daily Astonisher (what a surprise!), before The Magpie goes into harrumph mode about boot camps, late night trading and sister-bloody-cities.

And Bentley really chucks the rattle out of the pram, taking the media to task for what he sees as an unforgivable lapse – all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

An exclusive peek at the Australian Cabinet's special new office building... and The Magpie introduces his new periodic award, The Cyclone Yasi Memorial Goblet for services to tourism in Townsville.

The ‘Pie names the first recipient of this prestigious gong.

On the national scene, its all been about cabinet quotas and punted pundits … The ‘Pie sticks his beak in.

And it’s been another week of the language being mugged and  ambushed repeatedly just about everywhere. Euphemism has reigned as king. But there’s also some fun to be had with some of the tasty morsels the old bird has been dining on.

There’s even a limerick challenge, if you’re up to it, here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Why Kevin Rudd could learn a life lesson from Townsville business identity Rabieh Krayem – and CHEATED … Rugby League waffler Phil ‘Gus’ Gould passed over for prestigious title – it’s a scandal.

 The Astonisher continues its policy of making heroes out of villains and villains out of heroes …

Don’t ask, don’t tell .. Townsville Hospital’s chairman John Bearne’s curious  take on democracy …

… and a musical tribute to Clive ‘Hindenberg’ Palmer heading for Canberra.

All that plus quotes of the week, a Bentley ‘toon looking to the Liberals future, and other bibs and bobs in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com au.

Brace yourself, Australia, you’re about to have a KRuddectomy … you'll be up and about in no time.. And for once, The Magpie condones that most un-Australian of low acts known as Sinking The Slipper.

Also The Magpie reveals where his vote went, and why.

But believe it or not, there has been life still going on outside this interminable sideshow.

Herein the ‘Ville, the new town plan is up for scrutiny …

…. and is Mayor Mullet turning the traditional tables and promoting a ‘girls club’ power base?

All that and other things that caught the beady eye this week at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

He said it, then he didn't say it - serial stirrer Larry Pickering makes a claim that that when he was Premier, government wasn’t the only thing Peter Beattie was in – Larry posted that Beattie was doing a bit of a Bob Hawke - but the post has now disappeared.

 But the salacious post had suddenly disappeared. The Magpie peers into this particular campaign can of worms.

… and here in the ‘Ville, is it Mayor Mullet for the Senate? Has our gal  started the long game to get on the Labor ticket in three years, using ratepayers money along the way? …

…. and CCTV security cameras, are they worth the time and effort? Well, they are machines and need human attention, otherwise no.The Pie EXCLUSIVELY REVEALS (cop that, Astonisher) an intriguing exchange of emails between an aggrieved ratepayer and ‘an amused’ Mayor Mullet. It is a great read, hilarious if it wasn’t true … and you thought Catch-22 was just a theory.

All that and quotes of the week in this edition of the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Tinkering Taylor? Is legendary Townsville/Gold Coast ALP political persuader Barry The Bagman Taylor suddenly lurching to the Right, and is now banging the begging bowl for the Libs Herbert candidate Ewen Jones?

Looks like it, and as with everything else he does, our multi-millionaire lawyer pal isn’t one for doing it by halves.

If that is out of left field, Big Bazza isn’t alone in the surprise stakes. North Queensland can lay claim to the loopiest candidate for this election, and, guess what, to quote our temporary PM - it ain’t The Cut Snake Party’s Mad Katter ….

… but someone in the Cut Snake bunker will be getting the bum kicked ‘til their nose bleeds after a memory lapse has caused great on-line merriment…

Remember John Cleese's unforgettable (that’s why you’ll remember it) Ministry of Funny Walks. Hilarious, ridculous but harmless fun, yes? Well, no – at least not in the Northern Territory – could cost you $150 …

All here, and a lot of other flapdoodle here in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

This week, the latest installment of the continuing gory story you’ll never see in the Townsville Bulletin; yup, the latest circulation and readership figures show the paper will soon be on life support …. but it just gets worse for the readers, as the now-daily run of cock-ups and unethical ‘reporting’ continues apace.

Also, a low blow - Mayor Mullet’s makes a subversive attack on The Magpie's credibility ….

... an hilarious real-life defamation case that depends entirely on fiction to prove the offence … it’s a corker for the legally minded …

…. And Tony Abbott’s verbal disappearance up his own fundament has captured Bentley’s wicked eye; all that and some other amusing odds and … errr … sods, all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

A clown AND a clairvoyant - Peter Beattie's spooky 2009 prediction - has an Oak Valley, Townsville resident made the best unwitting political statement of the campaign? … and it’s been just one of those weeks for an error-prone Astonisher.

Also, Townsville Hospital to start charging for parking – a callous cash grab or prudent management? (Yes, well, this is meant to be a humorous blog.)

... and Peter Beattie counts on electoral amnesia, to let him eventually have a shot at The Lodge … (Bentley has his say on that one).

All here in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The numbers keep sinking for the The Daily Astonisher – and did Captain Snooze slumber on when Labor’s Herbert hopeful Cathy O’Toole made her first mini-gaffe of the current campaign? He is her campaign manager after all.

It was a slip-up allowed the Townsville Bulletin to continue to ignore media ethics and do the big media no-no - break an embargo, which did not amuse a visiting pollie or other media.

Conspiracy Theory, Dept of: Why some are betting PM KRudd will hold off for a few more days - maybe about mid-week -  before naming the date for his own execution – there are those who believe there’s a lucrative backroom rort behind the delay ... 

And Telling Pix Dept of:  there is a picture worth those proverbial thousand words of one of the most prescient political commentators of this campaign …. and a WORLD EXCLUSIVE ... hitherto unseen photographs from KRudd, The Early Years. 

It seems mangled language – Manglish – is a required talent for those who have signed up to Katter’s Cut Snake Party – even the ‘celebritiy candidates’ … there was one thigh-slapper Bob himself would have been proud of ….

Cairns’ new $4.2billion mega resort and casino a major step closer, and The Pie is alarmed at one possible but undeclared effect on the ‘Ville ….

Plus all the usual fun of the fair, with the week’s silliness, quotes of the week – which includes a ‘what the hell were you thinking moment’ for Townsville state member John Hathaway - and Bentley’s usual skewed view on life, all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

A shambolic week, from the PNG Solution (Gawd, if PNG is the solution, what could’ve possibly been the problem?) to discovering why an infuriated Townsville RSL ripped down Townsville Bulletin advertising at it's big race day at Cluden.

A Mooney-era chicken comes homes to roost, a chicken so big it would keep KFC supplied for a year, but the ratepayer’s won’t be laughing when they hear the details ….

… and neither were ratepayers in Port Melbourne, footing a $9000 bill for dog biscuits …

… also, Bob Katter’s hilarious ‘mind map’ for a new NQ state …

Plus a local magistrate reflects community sentiment in our fine array of Quotes of the Week, which also includes one of the funniest radio slip-ups in years - and Bentley reports on Masterchef PNG-style, all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Townsville to become a target for people smugglers? Seems a cert, when The Law of Unintended Consequences bite PM KRudd on his dopey new boat plan bum …. And The Magpie is proud to give his inaugural award of the Robbie Waterhouse Two Bob Each Way Golden Waffle Iron to a deserving Daily Astonisher journo.

Also, notes from The Coast – it seems bullying is a prerequisite for News Ltd editors … and Typo’s replacement at the Gold Coast Bulletin can’t even get that right - if you loved the legals from the Coast last week, and many did, here's another but different one for you …

…. Bentley has the inside goss on lighting up the ‘Ville’s Tony Ireland Stadium … we have quotes of the week … and one of the mesmerizingly weird pieces of TV news flummery you’ll ever see, with the funniest last line of the decade, all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Ever tried to read a broadsheet paper in a crowded train or bus? Not easy, but that will seem like a doddle when you discover what you face in the voting cubicle … you’ll be spoiled for choice in a way you don’t want.

The weird and wonderful world of political hopefuls ... and they're all real and they're registered ....

... PM KRudd still refuses purse his pink lips a la Alana Jones and name the date, ignoring that the delay is playing merry hell with business …

Bad news on that front here in the ‘Ville …

Quotable quotes of the week turn up some absolute pearlers …

… Bentley is hilariously all alather about pregnant woman taking Viagra and possible unforeseen side effects ... 

... it looks like the best ever hilarious TV hoax has been pulled off on US television during the week ... 
...and cover the kiddies eyes, folks, the Cut Snake Party’s campaign poster is enough to scare the bejesus out of you. All here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Cheery smiles down at the Daily Astonisher, frowns at WIN TV as it continues its astonishing wrassle with written English … and joy and apprehension in Canberra ; KRudd goes overseas, then comes back!.

Also The Magpie comes to the aid of those state politicians so appalled at having to take massive pay rises …

… and the hard lesson of the Streisand Effect – trying to suppress something gives it wider publicity – is about to be visited on Gold Coast Mayor Tom Tate.

… and sitting down on the job:  a great Nanny State Award proposing that blokes who sprinkle when they tinkle should do the ladylike thing  - all here in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

It’s been The Festival of the Fibbers this week, and not just in Canberra – our own Mayor Mullet and the story of her bright red mayoral MulletMobile has her tangled up in her great big porky. And someone who ‘burgered off’ from politics some years ago says he now wants back in -The ‘Pie thinks he might be fibbing, too, but McGeorge says he’s fair dinkum.

The Saga of the Mayoral MulletMobile vrooms along  – Jenny ‘Mayor Mullet’ Hill has lied about it but refuses to explain to ratepayers why she bought her $55,000 car in Brisbane when she could have got it for the same price, and delivered sooner, from here in Townsville. The Magpie knows why and tells all ….

 Macca on Katter …

… and The Astonisher does a Seinfeld, with a story about nothing (much) and another of mysterious origins.

Typo Gleeson and hilarious headlines are synonymous with each other, but this time, he's the subject of an absolute ripper.

And The ‘Pie selects the best quotes of the week, some that may have been lost in sound and fury of Canberra … they’re all here with a lot of other stuff, in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Jenny’s jalopy; the Mystery of Mayor Mullet’s new car is solved – and the editor of the Townsville Bulletin upsets many with the Clanger of the Year.

It was something he hoped wouldn’t be noticed, but tough cheese, me old Iditor, you get the Blooper  of the Year – if not the decade – award. But the unintentional hurtful aspect has enraged some sections of the community.

Also, the King of the Nicknames Les Messagebank Walker earns yet a new moniker for some weird antics …

 … and as the national discourse is writ large in ever more purple prose, The Magpie has found the the ideal compromise candidate to take over in Canberra - judge for yourself.

All that and  some of the quotes of the week, all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au 

So, who gets the Steggles Egg On Face Award this week? Foolya? Wingnut? Maybe that intellectual hunchback Howard Sattler? Nope, a total dark-horse gets the gong.

The Magpie confidently presents his Steggles award to a lesser-known Labor MP who flew under the radar to put forward what has been called ‘the most boneheaded proposal’ to date – he's seeking a ban on journalist’s making predictions.

And in so seeking, our winner managed to hang not only himself in the noose of his own idiocy, but also opened the trapdoor under his own Treasurer Goose.

And on the local front, Mayor Mullet appears to come up with a cunning plan, and The ‘Pie must say, it is a sneaky but clever have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too effort.

A top American spook has ‘em rolling in the aisles with his waterboarding of the English language, and resident doodler Bentley has come up with a great idea for How To Vote cards at the up-coming September massacre. All here and a lot of other pointless and speculative drivel in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The Bulletin does the dirty on local business - big time - like a couple of million .... and an incredible tale of inflation and ... err ... urination.

The Astonisher does a Dr Who and also manages to ‘lose’ not only the Cruise Ship Terminal but also a major development at the Townsville marina …

… amended Queensland traffic laws might well have the interesting effect of driving us to drink …

… and an uncharacteristic dummy spit from Townsville Deputy Doo Dah, Vern ‘Uncle Fester Veich’ all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Mayor Mullet and her motors – did our gal spurn local Townsville dealers and spend the ratepayers’ money on her new council wheels out of town? The Astonisher has an amazing and inexplicable council budget about-turn, and The Magpie awards his inaugural Gina Rinehart Sharing and Caring Golden Gob(let) …

Language bashing was everywhere this week, from the funny to the farcical.

The week was also chockers with ‘wait, hang on a sec …?’ moment; The ‘Pie looks at the best of them ….

The proposed council budget has the good news and the bad news down at Dudley Do-Nothing House aka Townsville Enterprise, and it has ratepayers scratching their heads ….

Bentley sticks up for a completely forgotten figure in the Adam Goodes soap opera …. The ‘Pie has his two bobs worth on that sorry saga …

And if you’ve ever been pissed off with the zealotry of the local parking wallopers, just be thankful you don’t live in Sweden.

All that and much more of little consequence in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

From smear to sneer - The Astonisher reveals the true worth of their objective reporting i.e zero - and Desperate Dave Moyle is back on the scene, entertaining us as always with his latest reach for relevancy.

On the national scene, the feds make it legal; they can take money from your bank account with out asking – and for no discernible or justifiable reason. Bentley is rightly furious.

That surprise resignation from Townsville Enterprise last week wasn’t quite the surprise it was made out to be ….

And if for some reason you’re disaffected with your local council in this neck of the woods , it could be worse – a southern council has created ‘smile spies’, and had introduced – fair dinkum – a ‘smiles per hour’ program.

Plus the Irony of the Week, and the best number plate seen around town, all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The latest circulation numbers are in, and it’s a kamikaze death-dive race to the ground between The Townsville Bulletin and the Typo’s Gold Coast Bulletin. Also some things in the federal budget you didn’t hear about – including money to make sure the sky isn’t falling on you, and protection for Joe Public against being ‘injured or damaged’ by, would you believe – politicians! – No joke, it’s true.

And Senator Jan McLucas comes up with a doozy or two of her own in the twisted linguistic stakes when trying to defend her government’s 'Peter robbing Paul' policy on education.

But another senator of a different persuasion,  Ian Macca Macdonald, is crystal clear in his opinion of a prize piece of inhumane bastardry by the feds.

On the local scene, Townsville Enterprise’s Director for Disappointments Ross Contarino bites the dust – almost certainly shafted. The Magpie looks at TEL’s value - and values - in this latest downsizing-by-stealth exercise.

And if you think the Cowboy’s stadium name is a bit off-putting, wait until you see what others have come up with elsewhere around the world. Something for everybody in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Eddie Obeid supported Tony Mooney's abortive federal campaign in Herbert, which has appaprently come as a big surprise to His Radiance - Bob Cut Snake Katter puts the wind up the ladies of the CWA - and a coterie of mayor's from the south-east corner urging people to break the law? It could be seen that way.

Also, Annabel gets crabby to win quote of the week, and ...

.... one surefire way to get rid of lingering dinner party guests, plus ...

.... weasel words from Channel Nine about their censorship of an environmental ad.

Also, the price of meat is high enough, but $785 for just a hint of mince? The latest Penfolds Grange hits the shelves, and those who pen words about plonk appear to be in the grip of the grape in more ways than one.

Maybe you'll need a drink after this week's visit to the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au   

Mrs Cut Snake goes shopping – regally … and News Ltd gives the game away; their latest self-spruiking promotional drive is toe-curlingly embarrassing – and revealing.

And the paper proves it has the same problem in the news pages – yes, another chapter in the touching saga of The Sins of Simpo.

Also, WIN TV News is giving The Daily Astonisher a run for its money in the chronic cock-up stakes …

Dean Martin will be spinning his grave when an Aussie musical clever clogs gives Julia Gillard a homage to the tune of That’s Amore – only it’s now ‘That’s a Pork-kay’ - as in porkie – clever stuff.

Plus an old colleague departs the scene, - Bentley thinks that we’re going to be selling off more than the farm - and an ‘exclusive’,  ‘revealing’ look at Black Caviar getting ready for her foaling duties (document obtained under Freedom of Information laws).

It’s all here all in the nest at ww.townsvillemagpie.com.au

This week, the Townsville Bulletin rewrites a sacred Australian oath to now read '... and at the coming up of the sun, we will exploit them' ... and boy, didn't they do just that this week, in spades. And The Magpie REVEALS EXCLUSIVELY (cop that, Astonisher!) the Bill Gates big cover-up and why when the world's best job starts in a couple of weeks, it won't be anywhere near Australia.

The 'Pie also tells why those Sri Lankans who sailed into Geraldton are almost certainly lying little Lankans ...

Mayor Mullet's rise in the world stopped abruptly albeit temporarily ....

Local wannabee politician Cathy O'Toole wrestles with geography - and the compass ...

and we present a clutch of some of the best cartoons floating around the place at the moment, with resident doodler Bentley hinting that Clive Palmer wants more than just The Lodge.

That, plus the saying of the week and Mongrel the Barrister's barroom misadventure, all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

It’s been the Week of the Female Politician, be they dead, injured or just dopey. Snatcher Thatcher’s despatchers gave us some great moments of light entertainment, while on the local front, a Labor wannabee has us scratching our heads.

Irony is the theme running through all doin's of the week.

Also, here’s a show stopper for you: believe it or not, the Magpie gives a big heart-felt thank you to the Townsville Bulletin this week – because for so long now, The ‘Pie has longed to find a use for that grand old phrase ‘morally bankrupt’. With it’s Tuesday front page and just plain juvenile editorial, The Magpie can now say that the paper has hit rock bottom and is …. yep, morally bankrupt. The old bird will get ‘reprehensible’ in there somewhere too, but that’s later.

Resident Rembrandt Bentley wonders where the NZ gay reform laws will lead, The 'Pie throws in the odd bit of trivia, all here in the usual trivial nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Jarrod Crackers McCracken lives up to his nickname, but falls short of doing the job properly at his bizarre closing down party on Via Vomitorium on Thursday night … and what do former Townsville Mayor Tony Mooney and the late Margaret Thatcher have in common? More than you’d think.

Plus, is  current captain of SS Townsville, Mayor Mullet, is steering us towards the political rocks? She looks to have given up all pretense of being politically independent (don’t look so surprised) with her latest damaging decision …

Is there a chance of any kick-on effect from NSW’s ICAC hearing that has put an adverse spotlight on Guildford Coal’s Craig Ransley – could any adverse finding against him affect the cheery prospects of the Townsville-based coal venture? The ‘Pie investigates.

And a startled olf bird looks at those slings and arrows of outrageous fortune so instantly aimed at Baroness Thatcher even before she’s planted, and seeks some balance amid the vitriol …

… while our penman Bentley sees a new use for Townsville much-maligned Cruise Ship Terminal and The Pie has his own cunning plan to peacefully settle the Korean Problem,  all here in this week’s blog at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Has The Daily Astonisher (aka Townsville Bulletin) adopted a new motto: Yesterday’s News Tomorrow? They’ve been a bit slow on the uptake this week – one story by a couple of months and another a matter of years.

And a blow-by-blow call of an hilarious, good old-style, slanging match between two southern newspapers – and while old mate Peter Typo Gleeson started it, the Sydney Morning Herald has conclusively ended it, deciding Typo is a sook  ….  

Resident doodler Bentley has his telling say about that North Korean nutjob, Kim Un Jockstrap …

Plus a must see video about road rage Russian style, … and why an American senator wants the sale of lion meat banned in Illinois, all here in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Ah, questions, questions … this week featuring The Art of the Incomprehensible – Townsville City Council and Townsville Enterprise suffer an attack of bureaucratise buzz words – is it to hide what they’re really up to? The Magpie interprets – and are local kids being encouraged to suck each others blood?

In breaking news, (no it isn’t April 1) if the pommy coppers are right, his kangaroo wasn’t the only thing Rolf Harris was tying down – the 82-year-old Harris has been arrested by the rozzers running the Jimmy Saville paedophile investigation – no charges have been laid.  The ‘Pie takes a closer look.

Also the scattergun Kattergun approach political skullduggery by the member for Kennedy has earned him The Magpie’s occasional accolade, the Janus Two-Faced BUMM Gold Chalice. (BUMM = Barefaced UnMitigated Medacity) ...

A newly-selected Green’s candidate has egg … chocolate Easter egg … all over her face after her very first foray in federal politics …

The PM trundles out her Second XI, and even then, there’s a curious ministerial double-up cock-up ….

… and Bentley mourns the loss of another Aussie icon - all here in this week’s guano-carpeted nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Joolya does her Monty Python Black Knight impression – and ‘yoof’ crime and consequences – The Magpie has his two bob’s worth and perhaps an answer.

And forget Jezzine cost overruns, it’s a different and bigger past matter that is rumoured to be about to hit the fan at Townsville City Council in a month or so.

And remnants of the silly season are still with us (apart from the hoopla in Canberra) where briefly it was ruled racist to call a Kiwi an Aussie and a man fined for laughing in his own house.

That and much more all seems to fit in well in a weird week at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

PHEW, it’s on for young and old now. A federal MP and at least two Townsville councillors are seeking corrections and apologies (ha!) from the The Daily Astonisher aka the Townsville Bulletin, and local judges may be getting into the same queue. Also, is a muddled Mayor Mullet channeling Pauline Hanson? … … and the good and bad news from Rome.

The Daily Astonisher versus accuracy - as usual, it’s no contest.

The Magpie also looks at the mysterious world of the media release, what they said during the week (including an interesting twist on time travel) but more importantly what they didn’t say.

And it is a fact, every single day of the year is a designated Day for some cause or other, but we celebrated or ignored two startling ‘Days’ in the past week – The Magpie enlightens.

And a prize piece of Green twaddle planned to hit the public purse of Townsville ratepayers.

All this and plenty of The Magpie’s own twaddle, here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Dog whistling, dead ducks, rude burglars and sex the city – they're all here but don’t get too excited, you lot – they are all separate matters.

The subtle art of dog-whistle reporting: in the hands of the Townsville Bulletin, it’s about as subtle as a grenade in a bowl of porridge. But the paper scores a rare double award, despite throwing its own style book out the window.

Also, all the ballyhoo about a sex shop – what? oh sorry ‘Adult Shop’ - in the Townsville CBD has stiffened the resolve of some people to ask questions about both performance and possibly secret business desires. Is the eventual object to create a down-market type of male brothel in the centre of the refurbished, ‘family friendly’ CBD?  That’s the unconfirmed rumour, but some people are having trouble getting their heads around the projected business figures. Now, council has taken a closer interest.

And here’s a couple of unrelated questions for said council.

Why are the ducks and the fish dying by the score in the lakes at Fairfield Waters, and why haven’t local residents been warned about a possible hazard from some sort of virus?  And if there is no hazard, why haven’t residents been told that, too? And more to the point, who should’ve been making residents aware of the situation – the Queensland Government or Townsville City Council? The ‘Pie investigates before The Daily Astonisher catches up and scares the bejesus out of us.

All this and other odd bits of drivel in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Here’s a a little quiz; what is the difference between an Aussie soldier killed in Afghanistan while protecting the values of our society, a young child taken too early by an untreatable disease, a blameless road toll victim, and a cowardly, violent convicted young thug stupid enough to fatally injure himself while trying to rob a pub?

According to the Townsville Bulletin, there’s no difference at all - all of them are equally afforded front page eulogistic treatment.

As a community, we’re now accustomed to an intellectual slap in the face from the Townsville Bulletin, but this week, the paper gave the community an emotional kick in the crutch for which it owes its dwindling number of readers a public apology. 

You will never find greater proof that the Townsville Bulletin is a totally out-of-touch, confused ethics-free zone than the paper’s astounding, lop-sided – whether through incompetence or pernicious pursuit of an illusory audience – than the laudatory front page coverage of the death of the violent and cowardly young thug Reedon Jack Santo.

The Magpie follows this disheartening paper trail here in this week’s nest.

Also, a long-serving senior bureaucrat/business executive is leaving town (don’t get your hopes up, Mullet, it isn’t Ray Burton) and the scramble to get his (rumoured $200K+) seat on the gravy train has already started.

Overseas, the Pope pushes off, and in Australia, Joolya pushes on … deeper and deeper into the political swamp, prompting both Bentley and Pickering to exercise their delightfully poisoned pens ... it's all here at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The Nice Try Chutzpah Award of the week goes to The Daily Astonisher, which has a cunning Baldrick-like plan to counter drastic drops in circulation and readership. Easy, let's just start UPPING the advertising ask.

(Chutzpah is a wonderful Jewish expression which means 'shameless audacity'.)

In fact, it’s been an astonishing week all round.

The Bulletin iditor whistled quietly while gazing around the ceiling , taking an ingenuous ‘who, me”? stance on his own pot-stirring  policy backflip

 … and ace reporter John 'Ando' Andersen sets the record straight – and so does The Magpie.

The jostling for Labor pre-selection for the seat of Townsville is throwing up some interesting possibilities. Are the rumours right about a surprise candidate in the wings, waiting to return to the Labor fold? Right or wrong, The ‘Pie will float the rumours for you anyway (so what’s new?).

The Oscar Pistorius joke mill  has just about run its race, and is now getting somewhat prosthetic … err, sorry, that’s pathetic. But the case does highlight an amazing difference between Australia and South Africa when it comes the niceties of ‘innocent until proven guilty’ – The ‘Pie shows an example which is far from funny.

All that and other bits and pieces in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

From con job to cock-up – does the federal government realize what it has done? And does it care? It should – trashing Brand Australia internationally is not the role of this or any other government. What the hell were they thinking? And read ‘em and weep – the Townsville Bulletin’s latest readership figures take a spectacular dive.

And on the subject of the Daily Astonisher, what can Townsville learn from Geelong? Plenty, it would seem, although News Ltd hopes not.

Remember comic book hero The Phantom – the Ghost Who Walks - who disguised himself in overcoat, hat and dark glasses to move about the place as plain ol’ Mr Walker? Seems our own councilor Les Messagebank Walker has a new moniker amongst TCC colleagues … The Ghost Who Talks. Messagebank seems determined to talk about anything and everything lately - and pose for pix even if it means missing vital council committee meetings to do so. The Magpie ponders what’s behind the incessant gabfest.

And are we not all in awe of the speed of the world wide web – the jokes across a variety of newsworthy happenings are coming thick and fast – and instantly - and they’re not always tasteful, so they'll fit in very nicely here in this week’s overflowing nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

WHAT A CON JOB! And they’ve all fallen for it!! The best larf of the week goes to – ta da – the federal government for the biggest political leak of the year, and this one goes right to the top.

Just days after the Joolya Gillard had a moan about norty little backbenchers leaking to those devils incarnate otherwise known as the ‘medja’, we get one of the biggest political ‘leaks’ and smear jobs in memory.  And this one you can bet was set up by the Prime Minister herself. 

Also, the unusual spectacle of a person helping out in a disaster aftermath situation copping Nanny State criticism in The Daily Astonisher from the most unlikely person.

On the local government scene, a new start for Mayor Mullet?  – a controversial plan for her personal development is floated in an effort to bring harmony to Walker Street.

All that and lots of other stuff you can skip over here in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Julia Gillard sparks a baby boom, but firing the election starting gun, has she blown off her own foot? And are Mayor Mullet and the Townsville City Council about to do a Campbell Newman and sack 300 staff? It’s a possibility but it seems we’ll never know – until it happens.

It’s been a week to trot out some well known song lines and sayings, to summarise the doings of the past few days.

For the PM, her early poll announcement seems to have been prompted by the age-old saying ’If you’re being run out of town, get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade’. 

And for that old swindle-shanks Wayne The Goose Swan, those ‘Lying Eyes’ are blinking myopically at the cameras, challenging the voters’ 'Suspicious Minds’.

Here is the ’Ville, an old political face follows the dictum ‘If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’ and snares a plum council job that has raised a few eyebrows.

And secret council business: our Walker Street warriors are in retreat to the Cowards Castle of an inappropriately closed meeting, so no one will know what our elected representatives think about that report recommending up to 300 council workers be sacked.

All that, plus Bentley, Pickering and more in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Is there a case for the Townsville City Council to make a special medical grant so Mayor Jenny Hill can get the proper treatment she obviously needs for her galloping paranoia? This week has seen two classic instances of our poor old Mayor Mullet’s losing battle with reality.

The other burning question this week: why is the Townsville Bulletin actively encouraging kids to kill themselves?  Do they need stories that badly?

And from Canberra, in what must be the biggest load of political hot cock since MP Craig Thompson had a night on the town, Joolya deals out political poisoned flour to anyone dumb enough to swallow her reasons for her latest recruitment announcement.

There also seems to be a succession of startling, sometimes stomach-churning, medical breakthroughs lately, but now its seems, if you eat some of your own s …. hmmm, no, we’ll leave that for later, but it’s startling, revolting … and could save your life.

And why the Townsville City Council gets the week’s Wussy Wetting Pants Award.

That and more, all here in this week’s soggy old nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

The Daily Astonisher seems to think our Mayor Mullet has been withholding a very personal secret from us – and why JCU‘s Vice-Chancellor is (probably) pissed off with her Douglas neighbor Townsville Hospital’s economy-sized Napoleon Jolly John Bearne.

But that won’t be the only battle for Mr Bearne, who generously spreads his unique management style across more than one arena – so get set for a monumental finger-pointing, down and dirty eye gouging and nut-crunching blue over the work at Jezzine Barracks – the project looks to be in more strife than the early explorers, described by council as ‘overdesigned’ well beyond budget

We also ask the question – and answer it – who is Senator Barmaids?

And The Magpie is proud to announce a new award, the Kathleen Skene Engraved Brass Spittoon For The Best Spray of the Month – and to get it rolling, The ‘Pie will tempt another Astonisher journo to become eligible when he says nice things about her.

All that and more, here in this week’s nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Good gracious me! - that’s old speak for WTF – but WTF indeed this week – Community Leader Mullet is In jail!! Also, Messagebank Walker actually agrees with The Magpie, finally – and The Magpie has reason to agree with him (gasps all round).

Yes, it’s true, a jailed Mullet – but just before you Townsville Firsters start reaching for the champagne, there’s a twist in this tale.

In local matters, The Astonisher goes down and dirty in the grubbiest manner (it involves the ‘C’ word – yes, that ‘C’ word) – and then deigns to lecture us on community responsibilities.

Also, are Messagebank and Mayor Mullet each eying a move to loftier office? Some detect early maneuverings which most likely should be filed under ‘Dept of Dreams, see in your…’ - the old bird will do his scurrilous best to apprise you of a possible Nightmare on Walker Street. 

Gals, wanting a hot time but sick of blokes who are couch potatoes? Time for a change of vegetables then, and does The ‘Pie have just the goods for a red hot time for you.

Plus on the international scene, ever been disconcerted when pooches sniff you around the nether regions? Well now, the right dog could save your life - a remarkable pooch program that can detect fatal bacteria-carrying diarrhea – before it – err -  happens!! 

And how the world turns, especially when it comes to compulsory voting, just part of the whole load of dog-detectable guano in this week's nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au

Let's start the year off with a small guessing game. See if you know the answers before peeking.

The newspaper adage has it that Dog Bites Man is not news, but Man Bites Dog is. Well, The 'Pie can go one better - journo bites bird.

Yep, the old fella has been savaged by no less than an award winning Bulletin journo (that's a small field, can you guess? Clue: it's not Tony Raggatt.)

Also, how the world turns - we all know that Peter Lindsay is now Tony Mooney's boss, but you'll never guess who else comes under Prince Peter's sway.

The third guess is how much money Britain has coughed up to stop South American cows farting and arranging meetings between climate change folks and African tribal rainmakers.

Plus the week's most apt name, and Bentley takes on the ageists of the motoring world, all here in the nest at www.townsvillemagpie.com.au